What dontcha know? There's a lot I don't know! But what I do know is going right here in my blog. Opinions, Accounts, Feelings, Ideas, Notes...
"What you don't know now one day you will learn; growing up is a heavy leaf to turn."
I started making goals for 2021 back in December 2020. It is now February, and I finally started today!
I have gained 20-25lbs since March 2020 until today. I did it by overeating and binge eating junk food. Little Debbie, Lays, M&M's, Hershey Kisses, cookies, cake, bread, pasta, fries, fast food. All the "good" stuff. On the daily and nightly. The bad habit that has gotten me fat for years of eating in bed! It is still alive and well. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. I will be giving up eating in bed for Lent. This goal is totally obtainable. The Catholic guilt will help me get there!
So today I finally got up and did what I was saying to myself I need to do: go to the gym.
I went to Planet Fitness. I got on a treadmill. I stretched, and I got adjusted, then I started. I wanted to quit mostly out of boredom, because PF is boring AF. Nothing to look at, its dark, no windows, no frills. A few TV's from the ceiling. I listened to some music (Bruce's new album) and plodded along, immediately getting tired. I had too much sleeping medicine last night, will correct tonight.
I did a total of 2 miles in about 35 minutes, some running at 5 mph, jogging from 4- 5, and walking with incline at 2-3. Depending on the song, I can go faster or slower. I decided not to push myself past 30 minutes. Because at 10 I was ready to quit. Then I was distracted enough to make it through with a few bursts of energy and running faster. I like to pace people, I feed off of other people's energy. Not much going on around there! There's always young guys lifting weights and showing off which is fun to watch. I prefer to jog outside, like at Centennial or Lake Elkhorn. Once its warmer out I will try to make that my routine. I say it every year, and 99% of the time I do it once or twice and stop.
I need to remember that this is about making routine, setting small goals and reaching them before making the next. Its about slowing my thinking down and not over thinking something simple. Get up, go to gym, stay for the time I planned on, and keep doing it.
Today I did what I set out to do! I'm going to do it again tomorrow.
Another day....of being unemployed. I went to what they called a "Job Fair" at HCGH last evening; what a joke. I didn't understand what the concept of this Fair was. There were a half dozen tables set up with the leaders of each unit sitting there, presumably miserable, looking at all these faces shoving copies of resumes at them. I managed to get my 3 minutes of time with one of the unit managers (I remembered her from working there before). I doubt that it did any good; she told me to go online and apply. So, basically, I spent 2 hours getting ready, 20 minutes driving there, trying to find the damn room it was in, just to spend those 3 minutes to be told to go apply online. Thanks universe. I had to question if I really want to work at this hospital. Finding out I most likely need a BSN to work there or must have one in 5 years...I didn't have that in the plan. I'm not 100% sure that I want to spend money that I don't have on that right now, regardless of their cute little tuition help. I know they're Hopkins, but those of us nurses who have worked over a decade in the game are being forced to get degrees to do the same job. I haven't come to terms with that yet. Que this attitude.
The weather is turning towards the warmer side, not as cold and windy as it has been this winter and I am so appreciative of this. Walking Tessie is much nicer and enjoyable when I'm not freezing my ass off! Today I walked up to the bank and where I am currently at the coffee house.
Jesus Calling
This is my daily read, thanks to Aunt Beah. I love LOVE this book. I couldn't survive everyday without it. Today is spot on as usual.
"Do not hesitate to receive Joy from Me, for I bestow it on you abundantly."
"In a world characterized by working and taking, the admonition to rest and receive seems too easy. There is a close connection between receiving and believing: As you trust Me more and more, you are able to receive Me and My blessings abundantly."
I have to check myself everyday to remember that God has my back. If I keep the faith and pray and understand that there is a plan for me, I can mentally survive this time I'm going through. Its always going to be something, and how I handle it and get through it is my call. With a helping hand from God. "Sometimes the relationship I offer you seems too good to be true." It does seem too good to be true. I was standing at the sink doing dishes yesterday and I was thinking about how I actually do deserve to be happy and have a job that I like; I DO deserve to get the things in life that I want. My clarity and concentration had been worn down so badly lately (past 6 months) that I basically lost myself. I went into survival mode, which is never good. I became exhausted physically, which always carries over into my mental state. Packing, moving, spending time in a relationship and maintaining it, financial issues as always, a few family things here and there; stress from work...stress from being injured...I was headed for a disaster. The disaster was leaving my job to start a new one that I didn't do my research on very well. And that is now where I am.
So my last post was pretty emotional and charged. I even scared myself. I'm not out of the woods yet, but maybe seeing some light out on the road?...
I was able to get an appt with a doctor who specializes in PTSD, but as usual, its pay out of pocket. She seems to think I can submit a claim to insurance to get reimbursed, we shall see. I'll try her out at least once or twice. Grief Share starts June 13. My hormones are fine according to my new NP at my OBGYN office. Next week I see Lucky for my meds, so I may ask her for a drug called Vivance, my coworker told me about it today.
I used to take Ritalin and/or Adderall in nursing school which is probably the only way I could study for 6 or more hours a day. I don't think stopping that was necessarily a good idea, but aren't adults supposed to be mature enough to concentrate? LOL. Apparently I'm not. And with this other crazy stuff in my head I may just need something like that.
I can't describe just what it is that runs through my brain; sometimes its all focused on pictures of my dad, or something I did with my mom; a childhood memory. A moment in time somewhere...Or it could be the current life situation I'm in where I have no clue where I'll be living next March and how I can afford to pay the horrid bills I have if I don't get a part time job or something. That is so real
and scary to me. Having no back up plan for the first time ever is the.worst.feeling.ever.!! Nobody wants to be with me if I'm in that situation which I don't feel I can remedy in the remaining 9 months. I really just wanted to enjoy this summer and all I do is worry about it.
Worry if I'm going to do something fun for July 4th, worry if I can afford to go to a Taylor Swift show, etc. I have no concept of living in the moment. How does one do that???
Its up to me to get the ball rolling. I may need a push.
I still get the chest anxiety more often then I used to, but better than last week. I still feel pretty alone although I did talk to Dave, who also has PTSD from being in the Navy. Similar feelings, different causes. He is going through a treatment right now called Exposure Therapy. I want to read up on that and see how that would apply to me if it does. I am willing to try anything I haven't before to make some steps towards feeling better. It's difficult when there isn't someone who gets it... sister will never get it or accept it, and I should know better than to try to explain it to her. Big sister at least tries to talk to me about it and was genuinely worried. She actually asked me what it feels like, and does just say grow up or get over it. I think she has lived her whole live with PTSD to be honest. But she seems to manage and get by, so even though there are days when it pains me to wake up and deal with life I really have no choice and no excuse.
My Priest never contacted me. At least not that I know of, I get so many crazy numbers that maybe one of them was from him, but I think he'd at least leave a message. He is probably busy and I get that. If I showed up for mass maybe I'd be able to catch him in person.
****
So its been 2 1/2 hours since I wrote the above; I'm sitting here on this gorgeous evening, was going to watch American Idol but not sure if I want to stay and do that. Maybe I'll go home, I'll know in a few minutes.
As I was sitting out on the back porch here, I am wondering to myself "why do I feel so damn unwanted all the time?" Even if it's really something simple like the other person is tired or sick that evening, or busy, or whatever. I wouldn't mind being home with my dogs right now to be honest, and in my own bed. Even though I hate that apartment and the neighborhood. Its awkward being in
someone else's house while they are napping...I feel like I should have just left. If he is indeed sick,
then really why am I here? I don't want germs and dude needs to rest! But he told me to stay. And I obeyed. Watch this blow up in my face. I'll miss AI. I'm already missing dinner with The Pilot.
Speaking of the Pilot, I'm officially sure we will never be more than friends because I won't establish a boundary or tell him my real feelings for him. I'm afraid it will upset the delicate balance I already do have with him, and keeping him as a friend might be a good thing rather than just losing touch all together, which I'm sure will happen one day. One day he'll meet some fantastic girl who is more like him or can fly a plan or works with him or something. That'll never be me. That was a hard pill to swallow when I saw him last week, something just hit me. I was already so upset about whatever it is I'm being upset about that it didn't phase me.
I texted Dave to see how he was doing; as usual the conversation was all about him. Another problem I have and I should understand by now--guys don't give a shit--not one-- 99% of the time how you are doing! The Pilot may be the only exception. And even that's probably situational. I don't know how people find their soul mates or spouses and are in love and work as a pair and so on. I feel like I'm pretty sure I'm never going to find that. 38 years and I am not able to even make that happen. I can't even keep or find a boyfriend, no ones the person I've become. I don't blame them, I probably wouldn't either.
I don't know what to say when I get on here, but I think of all of these things I want to say while I'm driving or at work!
I'm not sure whats wrong with me--I'm not able to function on a day to day basis without crying, becoming very frustrated in a short period of time, feeling like the world is against me, no one likes me, I'm lonely; pretty much I've done nothing with my life. I'm so depressed I DREAD getting out of bed. But I have to, I have a precious dog that I have to take out and another one as well.
I can barely make it through a work shift without wanting to cry or scream. I've managed. My emotions are all over the place; I'm financially FUCKED as usual because I'm living in this hell hole
of an apartment with of all people, Travis. At this point in my life I should be making more money,
have gone back to school, have better credit, bought a house and be with someone who wants to marry me. I have none of that, and only myself to blame. I sometimes blame others for bits and pieces of my problems, because they certainly didn't make it any easier. I don't know how to take charge of my life and be a grown up anymore. I relied on money to solve my problems and that failed miserably. I am irresponsible and unable to take care of myself.
People tell me to get over it, to stop being negative, that I'm a "good person" and all these easy solutions. Sorry its deeper than that. I'm overwhelmed with grief again! The one person who didn't judge me but would still tell it how it should be to me in just the right way died last year. I feel selfish for thinking this, but I feel like I got cheated again. Just take away my whole damn family! Just let everyone die huh? Just leave me to be alone and let me feel horrible everyday.
Now comes the part where I know I need to take some responsibility for this. I seem to have excuses for not helping myself. A lot of it stems from the shitty insurance that I have and the lack of money to go with it. I have to set up a goddamn payment plan for taxes because I couldn't afford to pay them back in 2017 for 2016. I have a ridiculous car payment and insurance. Apparently I'm a bad driver? When the fuck did that happen? Geezus christ. I can't even drive correctly.
I have issues with my siblings because they just can't get emotionally involved with any of this. Kelly tells me to get over it, because I have to, I can't let anything bother me! Its not worth it. Terri ignores me because she is really busy (I get that) and Ann has her own problems. So who is left? Mike? I can't burden him, Mary's mother just passed away, I can't lay some nonsense on him. I'm hurting so bad and I can't do my daily ADL's hardly. I probably should be in a legit hospital or rehab but I can't afford that like my niece who just had mommy and daddy bank roll that little fun trip.
The only thing keeping me from ending my crap life are my dogs and my sister Ann. I don't want to leave the dogs ever, I love them too much. But I haven't kept up with there vaccinations. I haven't got their up to date rabies shots. I'm afraid of taking them in for financial reasons and also if something is wrong with Tess I don't think I could handle it! I'm just so behind. I have a tooth that broke back in December, I was supposed to get the post put in and a crown and all this shit done and I haven't been able to for ..... you guessed it financial reasons.
So, for financial reason, shouldn't I just work more? Get a part time job? Something in that realm?
Much easier said then done. I have to be able to get out of bed first. My resume looks like shit, and I'm too emotionally fucked up to give 100% to anything else right now. So I guess I need to figure out what order of all of these things needs to be in.
I have a horrible sinus headache now, I need to shower and walk the dogs in this ghetto fucking neighborhood and risk having Bugsy get wild on me. Poor Tess she just wants to walk with me and no one else. All I want to do is sleep.
BUT NO. 3pm work.
So if I can just get through today I don't know what will come tomorrow. Probably more of this shit.
So my little gym experiment didn't quite pan out! Shocker! I will try again Monday. I'm pretty sure that the only way I can get some weight off quickly will be a lot of liquid meals. Like in the beginning with my sleeve. It just requires planning. I hate planning, it gives me anxiety when it has to do with food :(
I spoke with Aunt Beah yesterday!! When she called, she sounded a lot like Daddy right before he died; very tired and weary, yet still trying to be strong and get through the every day motions. She is so damn strong! I swear I would have quit by now. She says she has 2 more radiation treatments and the worst thing happened--her hair started falling out in huge clumps :( I think there's nothing worse than seeing a cancer riddled person get skinny, lose their hair, and look like crap. Its like a huge visual saying "I'm dying over here!" I told her through tears that I wanted to come see her and hug her. She said that she would love that. Breaks my heart, because I don't know if I can make that happen. She will find out soon what the prognosis is. *Sigh* I'm angry again...now this time at cancer. There's so much I want to talk to her about that I haven't had a chance to, this sucks. I don't want her suffering or feeling shitty, and I know she is. Her spirit seems great. But that only takes you so far before your body gives out. We all know that from watching my Dad.
I will be going to Mass in the morning then straight to work. I work Monday too and then I'm off Tuesday; I have a bunch of errands to run. And probably a nap--wait no, GYM! MUST GO! I think I'm just tired now from being at work so thats where that nap thing comes in haha.
WHERE THE HELL DID SUMMER GO??! It is my favorite season! I miss the beach so much that even though I went last weekend, it wasn't even close to being enough. *sigh*
Keeping busy with work is helping to keep my mind of any kind of grief. So I guess that's a good thing. My Aunt Beah isn't doing well, apparently the cancer has spread to her brain and wherever else it can go. This is ridiculous! A woman who has been so strong and so perfect her whole life has to suffer with this. She reminds me so much of my father in that she fights and fights and doesn't quit, but eventually she will give in. I don't blame her, and I would probably do the exact same thing. Oddly I have been putting off calling her which is so fucked up. It may be because I'm afraid how she will sound, what she'll talk about, and if it is the last call I have with her. I want to remember her the way she was when she visited Maryland 2 years ago, or when I had a 3 hour conversation with her right after my Dad died.
This is something I just have to accept; I have a large family, I'm the youngest on both sides, and as humans we tend to not live forever. I'm forever grateful I reconnected with her in the past couple years. I know her and my Dad were always close but still up until the last decade they always had some disagreement. Gee, who does that sound like in 30 years? :) That's a fact of life when you have a lot of siblings. I'm still trying to make peace with the fact that our little clan isn't ever going to be the same again now that we are orphans.
I think that I am going to try yet again to get back in the gym and develop a routine. I've been going over some videos on youtube to jog my memory of what to do; I see people who do the "ab day" or the "leg day" and I'm questioning if thats the best for me, because Lord help me if I'm at work at my legs are killing me and I want to scream. No good. Speaking of work, it's starting to pick up and get busy again. Not every single day, but I definitely can see more and more sick folks coming in with the pre-cursers to flu and pna.
So back to the gym. It is very intimidating to change your eating habits at the same time you are establishing a workout routine to stick to; I'm not saying bring on the junk and crap food but if I empty out my kitchen (which is pretty bare!) and stock it with all healthy stuff. That's setting myself up for failure, so let me see if I can get a routine going for at least a week. If I can do 7 days I'll be quite proud of myself!
Oh my. What a roller coaster of emotions in the past 2 months.
Jack walked on out me, broke up via text, while I was at work, with NO warning.
Blocked me from everything in his life. I can't begin to describe what that says.
I'm angry, I'm disrespected, I feel like a chump, I feel like I just got shit on. Used.
But I know that I'll get through this and I know that he is a psychopath that needs to get his
shit together. So not the right one for me. He treated me well when he was with me,
but I think he was either talking to someone else or is going back to Tracy. Whatever it may be,
our paths will cross and I'll make sure he know what he did to me. I may not be so nice.
I miss the hell out of my parents. We observed Memorial Day weekend last weekend, which i thoroughly enjoyed. Flags everywhere!
Work will be a challenge but in a good way I hope.
I need to improve some areas of my life, to make me a stronger, better person. I need to stay with The Lord and let him guide me.
There are moments when I want to just go to sleep and not wake up, but they pass very quickly and I'm ok. I'll be fine. I got knocked down, but I'm getting up. Fuck that asshole and his games. You
fucked with the wrong girl.
I have to keep the faith that I'll reach my destination and goals.
The last post I wrote in November, but accidentally didn't publish it until now.
So that awesome guy....never panned out to more than a couple times of week. He didn't want a relationship. So I figured that out and just enjoyed his company. I haven't seen him since maybe the beginning of April or so. He's so "busy" lol I just roll my eyes and say whatever. It was fun while it lasted.
I met someone else,well, reconnected. Everyone was shocked when they found it was Jack, since we didn't exactly end on good terms 5 years ago. But thats the current situation. While it scares the shit of me to be in a relationship, I do love it at the same time. I'm always scared. I think its the financial part that scares me, I don't want to end up back in the same position as I was last summer and fall...and winter...hell all the way until current.
I did forget to mention I did run the Marine Corps Marathon 10K last October 30, 2016. On my dad's birthday! It was the most fun I've ever had at a race. I definitely want to do it every year. I need to sign up soon for it, but as usual, my money is all gone. I hate this money situation :(
There's been a lot of thought of Ruthie and Daddy lately. I had my Confirmation at my church on Easter Vigil. Kelly, Mary, Mike and Terri came, Susan was my stand-in sponsor, and Aunt Beah was my official one. She sent me such a nice card, and a realllllllly nice white angel statue. It means so much to me that she sent that and all the nice things they wrote. I'm so happy they all came! Terri got me a really nice Bible and inscribed it like you would if you were giving it to a younger person in the traditional way. Seriously, just so sweet.
I'm feeling that anger and rage that they are gone still. It has come back and I feel tired, depressed, and in a fog. I don't know if it's the Clonazepam thats causing the fog, but sometimes I get this idea in my head that I can't face the emotions without taking it. Its not an every day thing, but I've relied on it a lot lately. I almost feel like if its not a nice day out, like today its raining and gross-I just want to sleep all day. I don't want to be coherent. I feel like if someone took that away from me, I'd be very angry and it would be like taking my safety net away from me. I don't tell anyone that I do this; I'm sure Travis knows what I do but he doesn't really care since he's dealing with his own stuff.
Jack is still new to this crazy rollercoaster of my life. He will learn soon how this is going to play out! I'm not a perfect adult that has it all under control in my head.
I would like to go to Women's Bible Study at church and help with the ASP trips, I think that will help me stay distracted in a good way. I still have dreams of coordinating a 5K race in my mom's honor.
I see all these people around me doing great things; buying houses, getting married, having babies, and I'm so far behind. I can only wait so long before having a baby. And I'm not even sure I'll ever get to, if I don't have this depression under control and my finances in better shape it would be cruel to have a child.
On a positive note, I have a full time position at Odenton Patient First (as a floor RN) and I NEVER NEVER NEVER have to go back to Columbia ever again!!!! I feel so good about that I can't even put it into words. No more bullshit with Kim Jung Ung, or w/e that dictator's name is. No more drama with the providers who like to be assholes. I will miss a great deal of the people there, but I had to do it. Peace Out!
I haven't run other than once or twice this whole year. The weather has sucked and I hate treadmill runs. No excuse, but thats just how its been. Plus I'm no where near my favorite lakes to run...
I'm really hoping I can move back to Columbia this fall; I miss it there. It will be closer to work. And all of the things I know and love and feel comfortable around.
I'm fighting a nap right now :( I don't want to cry. I don't want to think about sad things, but my go to is to ignore them. Push them away...pretend that I'm going to deal with it later. and then I don't and it just seeps in and I have to let it out or explode...my heart pounds and I go nuts basically. I doesn't last long, but long enough that it takes some time out of my day.
This interacts with my ability to focus on losing weight too. So I'm trying to brainstorm with some ideas of what to do in order to focus this sad energy into something worthy so that I can at least make a difference in someone else's life or improve mine.
I'm not going to give up, and I'm going to rely on my support system and keep on going! This too shall pass.
I miss my parents, I miss my family. I miss all those have gone to sleep in hopes of waking up in heaven.
I realize it's been since April that I've written in here. And its now mid-November! But what do you expect from the procrastinating queen of the tristate area?
Little summary of summer. SO SAD to see it go. I hate fall and winter, it gives me automatic anxiety. I do love the weather, the football, all of that. But I HATE the Christmas music, the decorations, presents, music, did I mention music? I digress.
I finished my real estate test and license. Kelly didn't even bother to talk to me about it since she was buying a house. Im sorry, but thats really fucked up. But its too late now; they found a nice house that they like and are happy. But believe me, it shows me that they have zero faith in me, which really hurts. I could have really jumpstarted my career that way. I have to come to the realization that she is going to do whatever she wants to do and it doesn't matter who she hurts or considers. I could have definitely found her a house. And she in typical Kelly fashion didn't want to talk about it and immediately got defensive about it. I give up on that nonsense. So as of now, I'm not actively working as a REA, but hopefully I can next year.
Spent most of August looking for an apartment, was going to have my friend Jen move in with us but she brought her mother with every time we'd go look and it was really awkward. Nothing as up to her standards. So I settled on the one I'm in now. Its far from perfect, but I like the inside of it a lot, so I'm happy.
Moving out was MISERABLE. I have a lot of stuff. I'm 36, it happens. I'm not a 20 year old anymore, so anyone who wants to judge me can really go fuck off. I'll get a storage unit if necessary.
I've been working almost full time hours at Patient First thanks to other centers who welcome me when they need to fill shifts. I'm hoping for full time by next summer.
Travis has been having a rough time lately, and he's driving me nuts. I'm just trying to maintain my own sanity, and he's driving me nuts in the process. He is getting the help he needs at the moment.
I need a roommate soon, and I put some feelers out. I need to make sure bills are paid each month. Can't be having that drama.
I met a really sweet, smart, funny, and awesome guy....
It has been awhile since I've written here. There's a lot to write about! I don't even know where to begin :)
Good things happening: I'm half way through my real estate pre-licensing class. I'm only working 1 weekend a month at Patient First. The bills are getting paid. I'm seeing Jill Hull; I'm taking my meds, and I'm finding it easier to handle the grief due to the Grief-Share group I'm attending. I also booked my flight and planned our trip to Wisconsin in June.
Not so good things happening: Travis has been really sick. He had to have his gall bladder out, and spent 4 days at HoCoGen. Every time I go there it gets harder and harder. So many memories and thoughts. While they had him open, they did a liver biopsy; when we went to his follow up with the surgeon, we were told that there was a lot of scar tissue in his liver, which is pointing towards Cirrhosis. And we all know what that evil disease is. I mean, shit, he's only 31 1/2. I can't believe that this is happening. It's not written in stone yet, we have another appt with another dr this week. We need to get a plan and some answers and know what we're looking at. If it really means hardcore cirrhosis, that will be devastating. He's too young for this. My heart sank, and all I could think was my poor love, what a shitty thing to be facing so young. We're not even married yet! We don't have kids, I don't know if thats in the cards now. But I guess putting the horse before the cart is no good, so I'm trying to think positively.
I wanted to go to California in May to see my mom's side of the family; her brother-in-law, Uncle Bill, passed away 2 weeks ago. My aunt Grace is now widowed. I feel sad for her and my cousins. My cousin Perry is getting married at the end of June, and it would have been so great to have his dad with them. But I guess life doesn't always work out for the way you want it to. RIP Uncle Bill, you were an amazing person. So getting back to the going part, I'm schedule to take ACLS at work the 2 days before the day of my cousin's fiance's party, and taking a red-eye to Sacremento that night is just not in the cards. The whole point was for me to come out a little early and help my cousin Krista get everything ready. I'm so pissed. So when I go to work tomorrow, I'll see what the wicked bitch of the west says about me rescheduling; she gave me some bullshit lecture about treating them like a shift and blah blah. Go fuck yourself, seriously. SERIOUSLY. I hate her guts. Go die. You dictatormotherfucker. I hate that women. She has never once shown an ounce of compassion or caring for me, and I know she hates my guts. Well fuck her and horse she rode in on. My family is more important. I'm hoping to take the PSI (Real Estate license exam) to get my actual license around the end of May or first part of June. Then I expect to get a job with a broker and go diving in head first into this new career. I want to give it all I got, I want to be successful and I want to make it my money-maker. I want to be able to support myself and a family on this salary. I want to live comfortably, buy a house somewhere ( I still have no clue where), have rental properties, maybe a few flips, all sorts of branching. I want to make an honest living that puts me in the upper class bracket. It will take a lot of time and hard work and many other cliche terms, but if I can do it then I feel like I will have accomplished my dream. My dream doesn't consist of riding on the coattails of my husband, watching him work his ass off not even at home most of the time to support 5 kids by 3 different fathers and a fatass wife who thinks writing e-books and playing photographer is some sort of accomplishment. Give me a fucking camera, I'll take pictures better than you any day. Its not just about your lighting and fancy shit, its about the emotion, the sites, the background, the meaning of the photo you capture. Please, my last name is Eastman. Enough said.
So anyway. My sister Kelly isn't speaking to me, she's ignoring me, and she tells Terri she misses Tessie. Not me. Its because I've had some mental breakdown issues and she has no clue what its like, and doesn't think helping me or doing any favors for me is in her relm of support. So fine, then choose to ignore me, I wasn't planning on doing that but if thats what floats your boat, 2 can play at the game. The phone works both ways. You can apologize and be the bigger person since you are 16 years older than me. But never mind that. It will settle over time. My brother Mark its making a long time to get this money distributed. I'm depending on that as my contribution to the income this year. I've gotta get my new career off and running by next January or I'll be screwed. And I don't want that happening.
So again, rather then marrying someone to support me, I'll gladly support myself an my husband if necessary. He's free to advance his career or change it or whatever.
On to my Grief-Share group. Its amazing. The people who dreamt this up are saints. We gather in a church, because it is spiritually-based; but for the most part its just that we all related to one thing in the group--LOSS. We hug, we share memories, we pray for each other, we feel that deep sadness the group members feel. We share our feelings; we watch a video each time, discuss some stuff from it. Its just enough of an outlet watch week to channel the emotions into. It comes with a work book, which I've been neglecting often due to my excuse of studying for my class.
My Aunt Beah sent me "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Its wonderful. Her and Uncle Fred read it every day; each day correspondents with it, and I swear some of the days it is spot on. It references Bible verses and scripture. Since Travis and I have joined the RIAC group at St Johns Espicopal Roman Catholic Church. We go every Sunday for class. We are hoping to have Communion and for Travis, I think baptism. I've had that already. We both want to make communion. I would like to be part of the church and so on. It really is enlightening and I feel at home; this was my dad's church while he lived in Maryland. My brother's worked jobs the meeting houses setting up chairs and other stuff when they were in HS and college. My dad attended up until about 3 years or so before he died. My Aunt Beah was so thrilled to know that I am going back and she told me my Dad would be so proud of me and happy. So I must do this, I want to to do this. It helps me feel more in touch with my spiritual side, which in turn make me a well rounded person. Believing in God and Jesus is a tremendous help.
On that note...
Monday I'm starting back to a very restrictive eating plan with some specific exercise everyday, EVERYDAY. EV-ERY DAAAAY. Its time I get back on track; I was at my lowest in January during the blizzard, 167. Only 12lbs from my goal weight. Then I went back on meds and stopped working 6 days a week and I've gained some back. I don't like it, and its just going to get out of control. So time for Sara to get her shit together. The weather is warming up, so lots of opportunities to run outdoors....sign up for the marine corps marathon 10K. My goal.
I miss my Dad and Mom every day; I still have a whole in my heart. Their legacy cannot be forgotten. I'll get back out there. Life will not just go on without them. They existed. Last year at this time, my father still existed. I miss the hell out of him. It's still painful, its still incredibly hard to think that the strongest man I ever knew got too weak and was called to Heaven. Amazing. I miss my Mom too, I wish she hadn't gotten sick so I could talk to her about adult things. *sigh* All I can do is hope they are proud of me and will help guide me through this nightmare/life without them.
I don't think RAGBRAI is happening this summer. I don't think I can physically do it this year. I want to do it in my lifetime, especially with my cousins.
So lots of uncertainty coming our way; I just pray that my dogs and my family and loved ones stay safe and healthy. My niece is struggling and it breaks my heart to see her go through all of that. I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat. My sister is doing her best to manage it, but eventually it wares you down. I pray she has the strength and knowledge to get through this with her.
I pray that Travis gets decent results and we can get through whatever comes his way. I love him too much to see it go down like this.
And finally I pray for Tessie and Bugsy, for health and especially Tess. she's 11 1/2. I loved and cherish every day with her. My special Pooh Bear.
Well I have to get up at a reasonable hour for church tomorrow; especially since there is triathlon in the immediate neighborhood. And after church, I have to work at 3pm. Uhhhhh. the next 3 weekends. WTF. What a sneaky bitch. See above comment.
Wish me luck Monday. I've got 2 months until Wisconsin and I want to fit int my current wardrobe without issue. Without muffin tops. that means back to VGS Diet. I can do this, its app psychological. Looking at the goal vs. the bad stuff. Which wins?? Goal does. I'll be keeping that in mind. I'm not making posters and charts and rewards and all that bullshit, just going to DO IT.
Well Ruthie, I miss you more then you'll ever know. Bobbie, I know you're watching down and I hope I can make you proud. I love you so much. I miss you incredibly too much. If I could have you both back, whole and healthy, I'd never ask for another thing in my life again. I love you guys.
I saw a lady named Jill Hull on Thursday. She is an LCPC who does all sorts of psychology related therapy. She met with me and we started talking about my background; all of the death and grief and job anxiety. She said I have PTSD from the death. I agree. I'm not going to sugar-coat it and pretend like that is only for soldiers and the abused. I have it, and I need it to be treated like that.
We worked on one way of handling the acute anxiety by a breathing technique. First, I had to pick a time or an activity or place that I feel safe, secure, and competent. I picked when I run at the lake. So she had me picture myself running, with my eyes shut; paying attention to how I feel, what are my legs and arms doing?, what are the sites and sounds. Then I pick a word that describes that activity. I picked "success." So she had me repeat that over and over. Than, I had to open my eyes and shut them again, picturing myself at work, repeating the same word. And also adding in how I feel when I'm running. I had to really focus on my breathing. So on a scale of 1-10, 10 working like a champ, and 1 not working at all, I'd say I was at a 3 or 4. So for the first time thats great. I've been trying off and on today with help of my PRN meds to breathe, and stop letting myself get worked up over something that is in God's hands. I talked to my Aunt Beah last night for over 2 hours and I told her about what was happening; she advised me that sometimes when she has a lot going on, she just prays and says she leaves it in God's hands. So I'm also going to try that approach. It truly is in God's hands. Its like my coworker said before the blizzard: "God picked you to care for his children, you! So you can do it!" I think that if I repeat these things to myself over and over and continue to have uneventful days at work for a little while until I build up more confidence, I could make this work.
So thats my story and I'm sticking to it.
Ruthie please watch down over me tonight and tomorrow and help me through my day. Thank you Mommy. I know I can count on you.
Love,
Sara
I am feeling such a lack of motivation to do anything today....well besides eat. 3 of those 100 calorie packs of Almonds. Wise decision making over here for the win...
I'm lonely; I'm bored; and I'm just waiting for April to come so I have some things to keep me busy. Being lonely really sucks. I have never been very good at it! Everyone is at work right now. Or busy being mom's or dad's, or in school or whatever it is. You would think it would be awesome to be off a lot from work but it's not all that its cracked up to be. I'm doing it for health reasons--I'm trying to get my mental faculties in place, and I couldn't do that working the type of schedule my manager was giving me. For instance, the grief therapy group I'm going to attend for 3 months is every Wednesday night for 2 hours. There's no f-ing way she'd let me have that many Wednesday night's off for that; she'd give me the run around with finding someone to trade, etc. Also, I am starting classes in June. I would never be able to take a 5 or 8 week class with a full-time schedule. And the real-estate pre-licensing class? HA! Forget that, I'd be waiting until I'm 40. So I'm happy and thankful for the opportunity to do those things but I'm trying to make the most of the time I have between now and then which is about 3 1/2 weeks. Travis is working a double today; he works this weekend, then off for 4 days. We have things scheduled; vet appointments for the dogs, our own appointments; and I want to do some moving of the crap to the loft and household stuff. Living in box world is getting old.
I have options today, with this gorgeous weather. I could go for a run; I could go to the cemetery; I could do both. I could go to Target and drop off my rx and exchange the pants that are too small. I can do all of these things, which normally I think I would except for some reason I feel like crap today. Isolated. I'm not sure I want to go the cemetery today, I'll get caught in Friday rush hour traffic; maybe tomorrow or definitely next week. Plus the emotional taxing of being there---not sure if I want that right now. Maybe I'll just get off my fat ass and go for a run at the lake like I had been planning all week and stop stewing about it.
I re-watched "Forks Over Knives" today; it's such an awesome documentary. I'm fascinated by the food science/nutrition and all of the information about our SAD's. I really want to be "Plant Strong" and get healthier. I've plateaued with the weight, as in, just existing I'm not losing like I was last year. I have to actually work at it now, and that's proving to be really difficult when I'm bing eating. So I have to figure out why I'm binge eating. Um, I'm lonely? Bored? Anxious? So fix those things. Well I am...lol it's a big circle. Circle of hell really. However, I am not going to give up and let them get the best of me. I can get myself going and motivated.
OK Ruthie, time to run for you. As much as I'm fighting it and rolling my eyes and stomping my feet, I'm going to shut up and do it.
First one in the bag! It was a good one, too. Hardly any pain except the "extra" loop that makes it a full 5K. It was satisfyingly challenging, and at the end I was pretty exhausted but I made it and I can't wait to do it again tomorrow. The weather has been exceptionally great this week, in the low 80's/70's and sunny with some breeze. It's a gift I swear. If it could be like this all the time I would be the happiest girl alive.
My goal is to do this 3 times a week. I gained a bit of weight, in my mid section as usual, so I'm hoping this helps right that wrong I made over the past couple months.
Tomorrow I have my first appointment with an LCPC that does hypno-therapy. My goal is to get the anxiety under control. She had me write out 3-5 situations in my life so far that I felt safe, secure, and competent. My first thought was "all 3 at once?" Because I couldn't really recall any off the top of my head. And I'm not sure the 4 situations I wrote down are exactly what she's looking for but I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I have to work Sunday, and its with someone I don't know and haven't worked with before, so I'm already starting to get amped up over that.
On a higher note, I was able to pay some bills and such this week; I signed up for the Caldwell Banker Real Estate pre-licensing class, and also a once a week Grief Workshop. So I'll be busy in April with that. The grief one goes until July. Then in May I'm probably going to visit my California family; my cousin is getting married and there will be a party for his fiance that I want to attend...aka a bachelorette party. I am dying to see them all too. And then Wisconsin in June!! Terri and I are hopefully going to be able to drive up to Rhinelander and down through Green Bay before the reunion on June 25th. Lucy and Ethel, driving along through the backroads of Wisconsin...it should be good times.
I haven't tackled my RAGBRAI thoughts or decision yet. As of now, I want to do it, but I haven't done any planning or training. So its up in the air if I'll participate, but I think I will at least go see my Aunt and Uncle and maybe visit my cousins when the finish the last day of it.
One day at a time though. It's been such a rough 18 months of my life. I can't believe I made it. I have more to go though. This grief is like a demon sitting on my shoulder 24/7. Everything is a memory, a reminder, a tear drop, a flood of tears, anger, sadness, every emotion rolled up into a ball of hell. Some of my relationships have suffered lately and that weighs heavy on my mind. Its hard to lose people, even if you have only known them a short time; even a long time. Either way, when I'm attached or love someone and they are suddenly just not there anymore, it's so shitty. But again, I guess thats how life goes. Everything happens for a reason.
"Love's a game, wanna play?"
"Cuz darlin I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream!"
"So its gonna be forever, or its gonna go down in flames..."
"It'll leave you breathless... or with a nasty scar..."
God I love my TayTay. I'm a dork, I'm still hooked on 1989. I wish I had been able to see that tour last summer. All of these songs may be geared towards the younger crowd, but I can relate to almost all of them in some funny way. And I love the fact that she is beefing with Kanye. Ok--really? Am I talking about this in a blog about my parents? LOLOL I guess I am. And now its time for bed...
I know it has been awhile since I've written in here. I'm terrible, what can I say!! But I haven't forgotten the reason I have this blog.
I had a few minor setbacks mentally and physically recently. I spent a month out of work, went to a PHP program and got myself back on track enough to at least function day to day. I'm waiting for a grief group to start the first of April near me, it sounds like a really great one that is in depth and not just a bunch of bullshit. The Gilchrest one is wonderful, but not enough due to the time restraints.
February 8, 2016 came and went. It was a pretty warm day considering that it was February, aka scary weather month. The sun was shining, the clouds were white and puffy, and the sky was the usual gorgeous blue. It had rained and we had a blizzard a few weeks before, so the ground was a total mud pit. I got soaked sitting on my towel next to the headstones. Across the street, they were burying someone in a vault, so we watched that. Terri, Kelly and I met up in the early afternoon to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of Ruthie's passing. We decorated her headstone and played music. We talked about how much we missed her, and other various memories. I didn't sob and cry; I tend to not do that as much when I'm not alone. Its easier to do when I'm alone.
I still have a lot of anger towards ALZ. I hate the disease. I hate that I don't know my Mom as my Mom--I know her has someone who died from ALZ. I feel so many emotions and so many feelings that I can't even express them all. For me, they come out differently and maybe in a less mature way then my siblings. For me, it affects my work, my daily motivation, my habits, everything. More on that later.
One year ago that day we lost Ruthie; I remember it very clearly seeing her in her hospital bed. She was so frail. That horrid breathing at the end was enough to scare the pants off any person who had never been in a nursing home or around a sick person. I missed the last breath, and I'm ok with that as I've said before. I had my time with her before everyone got there that Sunday. I also spend part of Saturday evening with her. I spoke to her, I sang to her, I told her everything I could think of in those last fleeting moments. I held her hand, I kissed her repeatedly, I rubbed her shoulder and arm; I thought to myself: "How in the world can I be losing her? It's not fair!" How is it fair? I'll never know. Maybe I'm not meant to know.
When we all gathered and were sitting around her room waiting for that moment, it felt just like old times...in that when the times get rough or something that affects one of our parents, us kids always rally together. Now that my Dad is gone and the estate is about a week or 2 away from being closed up, I'm afraid we won't be rallying for much anymore. I could be wrong and I hope I am. But the memories I have of us, even during the bad times of the deaths of our parents are still precious to me. I felt almost equal to everyone. I felt like I had a part in all of it.
Sunday 2/8/15 at 4:20pm Ruthie passed away. She was called to Heaven, they Angel's came and took her. We had a Priest come and Daddy was there, we all held hands and said the Lord's Prayer. My Dad said goodbye to her privately; I did snap a picture or 2. Since Ann wasn't there yet, I wanted her to see them. She was appreciative of that. Walking out of Harmony Hall for the "last time" (which it wasn't) was odd. I told Mary that I was so thankful to have her in our lives since she was such a calm, sweet and loving person. I actually hugged her too. Same with Andrea Koeppel. They aren't Eastman's by birth, but they are forever part of our clan.
The weather magically warmed up--it was at least 55 degrees with no wind. It had been bitter cold most of the winter already. The sun came out, and it was such a feeling of relief that the Angel's came. We got my Dad and ourselves home. I don't remember the exact details after that as to what we did; I do remember that night when I was getting ready to go to sleep I had this sickening feeling come over me of the loss. I knew it would hit me that night since its as the first night in my life without my mother. Again, I can't describe this feeling; it was so many feelings and emotions rolled into one that even if I wanted to, I couldn't describe it.
The anniversary of that day has come and gone for the first time. Since it was a Monday, Kelly and Terri took off work. I took off from the PHP program. The brother's did not; I don't know if they did anything privately or just went on with life, which is perfectly fine. I know they thought about her, and I know they are grieving in their own ways. I know Uncle David had to have thought about it too. I'm sure a lot of people in Ruthie's life thought about it, maybe not that exact day, but around that time they did. I made sure to post a few things on Facebook in her honor.
I just hope we don't forget to honor her, and her legacy. I hope that I as her youngest and most able-bodied one can somehow be part of the movement to find an end to the suffering that ALZ patients endure. It is the least I can do. I feel like it is something I have to do. Donating money is fine; but donating your time and effort and making a small dent or large dent in the movement is something I need to do. I just have to figure out how to do it.
I read a poem about having 2 mothers and some other readings at her funeral. I could have read for hours about my love for her. I was limited of course. The song I picked was "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" by Israel Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole. I had my Aunt Susie on my left and Travis to my right. I squeezed Aunt Susie's hand as I silently sung along with the song, tears streaming down my face but I was smiling. You can't help it, it's such a sweet song. Our theme with my Mom and her sister Joan is this song. I would like to incorporate this into some type of tattoo but I'm not sure exactly yet. It will take a lot of artistry by someone to come up with exactly what I want. (This isn't a simple one like my Boston "B.")
It snowed the night of her funeral, on Valentine's Day. It was a wicked windy, snowy night. My Dad was so heartbroken and exhausted I don't know how he got though it. I'm glad he got to see his little sister, since it turned out to be the last time he ever did.
When I talk about my Mother, I remember her smile; the look on her face when she was just content and thinking about whatever it was that she was thinking about--pre-disease and during the disease. Sometimes she'd just look at us and smile. I struggle with not having her here physically. I have struggled so terribly that I couldn't concentrate at work or at home. I am learning how to manage these feelings, and the grief group should help. And, as this blog is titled, the running. That will help tremendously. But it has to be at my lake, when the weather is warm. Thats the only way I can do it. Its almost that time of year, so Ruthie get ready to push me. I love you.
Yesterday, 2/8/16, marked the one year anniversary of Ruthie's death. At 4:20 pm so took her last gasp of breath. I of course missed it by about 30 seconds apparently, but that I am ok with. I had gone out to get food for everyone, as well as stop by the house and help my dad get ready to visit. My brother's brought him back to Harmony Hall and Travis and I went to Panera to get food for everyone. I got a call while we were about 1/2 a mile away from Mike saying "I think it just happened..." So we floored it around the corner and I went running into the facility and into the elevator. I ran down the hallway and if memory serves, Andrea (sister in law) was standing in the hallway waiting for me.
Just thinking of that building makes me sick. Not because it was a bad place. Its just that its the place my family experienced so much sadness. I think about the Valentine's decorations I put up, and when I had to take them down the day after she died. I still have them. I'll probably keep them forever, or until they fall apart. Remembering her laying in her bed with her snowman stuffed animal cuddled up to her face, while she was pretty much in a coma-like state; she was gasping and snoring loudly. She had slipped away; but her body was still trying to compensate. Diane Tolson stopped by and gave her a massage (she used to be a masseuse) and she actually got her to calm her breathing. It was really something, almost magical. It meant a lot to us to have her stop by and do this. I sat there with her until all of my siblings arrived. We didn't know how long it would be. I guessed it would be later that night. Boy was I wrong! I'm glad I was wrong, because she was suffering. She received Morphine from the nurse. But she looked like she might have been in pain. I kissed her forehead; I talked to her privately before anyone came, even the night before on my way to work when I stopped. She had told me 2 days before "I love you too, hunny!" And then she shut her eyes and I think that was the last time she spoke to anyone. I am thankful I got the last I love you. I am also so sad. So so so incredibly sad. It feels like there is life before she died, and now this life after she died. I feel so confused, so empty. SO EMPTY. I feel like a part of my heart left with her. I feel like it was ripped out. I am so mad at the disease. I am so angry that other people have their mothers. I am jealous, and I hate feeling that way. I hate seeing my sisters so sad. I hated seeing my dad so sad and lose his will to live as well. I hate knowing that she didn't get to see her family much in the last decade; I hate that she lost her memory and her ability to care for herself. I hate all of the times I lost my patience with her trying to take care of her and keep her safe. I hate that she was physically hurting at the end. I hate that she struggled with eating. I hate that she fell at the rehab, I hate that I left her in the care of that awful nasty woman who neglected her before we figured it out. I hate that her life had to end on such a depressing note. I hope that she is whole and healthy again in Heaven. If she wasn't, I don't think I could live with myself. I pray that she is ok up there. I can't stand the thought that she could be anything but ok now. I hope she is watching over us all too. Helping to send us in the right directions. Especially me, because I know that I am completely lost. I think I know what I am going to do from here on out, but I am scared of taking the leap.
It was so nice to see Uncle David and Aunt Karen when they came in from California. I don't think I've hugged a relative that hard as I did when I saw Uncle David after I got back to the house after picking up Aunt Susie from BWI. It was just so nice to have a part of my mom there, because he was the first and only relative to come from her side. That night we picked out the rest of the music for the funeral; throughout the week we had been doing things in preparation for that. We went shopping for new clothes; I had a hard time because I knew I was about to have surgery, and finding something that I liked that fit was difficult. I managed to pull something together. I even got my hair done, and I wore Grandma Vange's Valentine necklace too. We played beautiful music; I sat next to Aunt Susie and Travis in the front row with Daddy. Uncle David presented the flag to Daddy, which was really special. After I read my reading, we played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and I held Aunt Susie's hand and we smiled at each other, because it was just enough of a break in the sadness to hear the music and I sang along quietly. It was one of my favorite moments from that day. Tons of people showed up, which was great since it was Valentine's Day. We got a snow storm that night, and it was the coldest day ever the following day. The wind howled and shook the house. But the snow was very pretty.
I was very distracted the following month due to having surgery; so the grief was a little easier to handle due to this. Also, spring was coming, and I always enjoy spring. I was enjoying the fact that I was losing weight; and also taking care of my Dad took up time and effort so we were able to handle it more so than if we had nothing to do consume the days time with.
Then my Dad died. Life changed so dramatically that day. It will never be the same. It will never feel right again. I will always feel robbed and cheated. I do feel the relief that he is no longer suffering. But I can't help but be selfish and feel like everything just got shittier and more challenging after that. My life will never be the same again. My purpose in life is no longer to care for them. My purpose in life has shifted back to myself, but I don't know what to do with myself. Well, I think I know; but it requires some big changes. Its all sort of a risk, its scary, and its different. I don't have a choice, I'm miserable doing what I'm doing right now, so if I don't change, I'll never move forward. And moving forward is the only thing that will keep me alive and keep me going. There have been a few days where I question why I'm still here; the pain is that great. What stops me from not being here are the people that love me. I have family and pets and a boyfriend that depend on me and love me, and to hurt them would be selfish and shitty of me. So thats the only thing that has kept me going for a while.
More to add to this coming...
It is Christmas technically in 1 hour 20 minutes. So today was the great "Eve" where some people work, some don't, I was lucky to be off. But back tomorrow for 5 days. So with my parents being in Heaven this season, it has obviously been a train wreck of emotions and crying. I'm not sure what I'm specifically crying over--the fact they aren't here to enjoy us all together, or the fact that I'm selfish and just want them here. Either way, they're not. They're in a place where i'm sure if you celebrate Christmas as a Catholic its probably the most spectacular thing. Auntie Joan is up their Grandma Rachel, Grandpa Rooks, Grandma Florence, Cousin Kirk, Grandma and Grandpa Novotny, and Uncle Robert. I'm hoping they aren't too upset looking down on my sadness. I'm trying to keep my 's' together, but it's such a challenge. Apparently I need to change my attitude, and I think I can at least attempt this. If it helps me succeed and keep going on in work and life without the anxiety and issues, I guess I can get off my butt and try. My father got his headstone!! It looks beautiful! I want to kiss it! I can't actually do that lol. We decorated them both up, my Mom's too, but it did rain so I hope everything made it through the weather. We are tentatively meeting on Sunday at the cemetery and then dinner. I hope we can actually talk and not just hide in our separate areas and ignore the fact that we just buried our parents this year and and had our first holiday without them. I'm going to push for this. They won't listen--and I mean the brothers really--it'll be stupid conversations about music and cars and jokes. Nope. we will dedicate some conversation to our parents. Thats what we should have done the last time after my dad's burial. Anyway. I promised that I would Run For Ruthie and Bike for Bob but I haven't done it it all. I have plans to to do it, I will. I know I will. I have to get through this hump of work related BS. And my relationship needs some tweaking so we an at least exist together. I love him with all my heart. I'm just hurt an I feel alone. I won't go into details, this isn't the venue. But It doesn't make the rest of my goals happen any fast. I miss them so very much. Its a pain I can't describe, its like a low grade fever, it never goes away---it makes me miserable long enough where I want to cry, but can't always do that, but sometimes I can. It always happens when I have the flashbacks. Which I never know when they're going to come. They can pop in any moment, or something can trigger them. What hurts the most is the majority of the people that don't really know me, or try to get to know, don't give a care. "I'm not here to be your friend. Your home life doesn't come to work" or w/e. OK, fine. I'll remember that. However, thats not the way it should be, and I wouldn't stoop to that level. With that being said, the house will go to auction in 3 weeks. It can't go fast enough. I'm praying it will give us a good chunk of money, I need a lot for the things I want to do. I want to go back to school so bad. Make my parents proud. So Ruthie, I'll get back to running for ya, and Daddy, I'll start the biking when its possible. LOVE YOU BOTH and Merry Christmas! I love my family, my sisters, brothers, nieces, cousins, aunts and uncles. I'm praying for some of them who really need it right now.
top pic: late 80's maybe early 90's Pamplona Christmas tree, decorated by myself and my Mom. second pic: a week ago at my sister Terri's house after I decorated her tree. GO PACK GO! :) <3
When "2015" comes to mind, I just sigh and go "uggggh." Obviously from the things I've written one would gather it wasn't the most warm and fuzzy year for me. With that being said, it wasn't all bad, there were some good parts.
Good things:
My mother was called to Heaven and leg go of her suffering.
I was able to have a surgery that provided me with the tool to lose weight and keep from gaining.
Travis became close to my Dad.
I discovered some new music that I love <3
I met some cool people.
I learned how strong I can be.
I started running again. (Although....I sorta haven't in a bit.....)
I got a bike and will be joining my cousins next summer in Iowa!
I learned that I'm worthy of someone who loves me
I attended therapy sessions that I learned a lot from
I reconnected with both sides of my family
I learned a lot about my parents younger days
I felt a lot of love when we had my their funerals
I quit a crappy job, and started a much better one
I learned that if I want something, anything at all, I have to make it happen, it doesn't come to me
I've learned to grieve without it ruining my life and dragging me down to the point of not functioning
I have planned for some awesome things to happen in 2016 and beyond.
I'm not going to talk about the "bad" things just yet but I know I will feel better about getting it out of my system. Maybe sometime soon. Right now, I have to take the advice of my grief counselor and that is 1) Relax, let things pan out the way they are going to pan out. 2) When something else seems to become a huge problem, it means that the other things that were what you thought were huge problems are now things you can handle and have control over....so now you have something new to "conquer." Basically, God isn't going to give me anything I can't handle. Its HOW you handle it that matters the most. I can choose to be depressed ALL the time, I can choose to not be active and to feel sorry for myself, or I can be active and socialize and try new things.
So my goals are to do exactly that. Take my own advice here! I need to log more miles for Ruthie, and hopefully I can start the biking portion for my Dad at some point too.
The reality is I'm going to have a lot of sad moments, days, times, and feelings. It's not going to end anytime soon. I guess its how I choose to handle them that really matter. At some point, hiding in bed crying isn't going to be the best solution....
"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father Run for your children for your sisters and brothers Leave all your love and your longing behind you Can't carry it with you if you want to survive..."
Oh its one those days...I haven't had a good cry in a while. I just watched the video I took of my Dad's ceremony last month; listened to the words that were spoken, watched the flag being presented to Terri. It's oddly comforting, yet so depressing and sad to lose him.
I feel like I didn't get to share certain things with him---a good laugh, a good cry that was mutual, a proud moment, a loving and kind moment. I feel cheated out of this. I feel like I should have tried harder to have these. I feel like why didn't he want to have them with me?
I am having a hard time with the fact that just a year ago they were both here, sick as they were, they were here in the flesh. I could at least see them. Now they are but dust in the ground. I am so sad. I miss them terribly. Its sos final, there are NO MORE memories that I get to make with them. They don't get to be a part of my every day life anymore. I can only hope they are watching from Heaven, and even that's not a given--who knows if thats even how it works in this universe. I tell myself that's how it is probably just to ease the pain of this loss.
I still cannot believe my dad is gone. Seriously? How? Is it real? Will I wake up from a dream? Will this all be a dream??? No. Its not. This is real life, and it sucks sometimes.
And its not even like they died under crazy tragic circumstances--no trauma, no accidents, no murders, just regular aging, diseased, death. But having looked back on their lives, realizing how simple yet meaningful they were to me and my siblings makes it just as traumatic to me. You only have one set of parents, no matter how you lose them, its hard. And with the holidays and the anniversary of my mom's death/my birthday coming up, I'm just not looking forward to any of it. I want it all to fly by. I want to rush this whole next 6? months. I want to fast forward a little. And winter being here, thats definitely not fun. I'm not looking forward to the shitty weather and dark days. Spring and summer are what I prefer.
I know one day I'll be reunited with them, and I'll have all sorts of things to tell them and share with them. And if its like how I think it is, they'll already know about it, but I'll get to tell them. My spirit in Heaven will reunite, and it will be beautiful and amazing. Thats what I'm counting on, so I hope my God will make this happen.
I broke up with the better half. Well, we still live together. We have no choice. Thats life. Everyone says that its bad to do this, but I'm the one who has to live it, not them. So sorry not sorry, we're staying in the apartment at least until I get my inheritance.
With that being said, its just one more thing to add to the list of Shitty 2015. I'm pissed because someone stated I was a negative person in a situation that I feel I am not. So I have to improve that.
If you know me, you know that I'm just as negative as the next person, but nothing or less. that's called being human. I lost my parents, Aunt, a relationship, a house, and other issues. Sorry I'm not Susie Sunshine all the time at work. I'll do my best. Thats all I can do.
Still having flash backs; still crying each day; soldiering on and getting through is all I can do. I'm lonely and and bored a lot, but I'm too depressed to do something. Which sucks, I have bike riding to do, and so on. I will get to it. I'm not going to let the "negativity" drag me down lol.
So even though I have made it clear my feelings, its still shitty because I see the hurt, I see the confusion, I get it. But someone had to do it. I'll just leave it at that.
Sorry Daddy, you're idea that I'd marry him isn't coming to fruition. My Aunt will be sad too! I'm sorry.
This is when I would need my mom. She could at least help me through this when she was in her right mind and not sick. *sigh* I miss them both so damn much. So many memories, reminders, so many "I can't believe that happened!" So much of that. Grieving is hard work.
I feel like if I free myself from the "negativity" or the things that are weighing me down, maybe I'll feel better. I can find new friends, and I can find what I need and want. I can't help it, its my life and I want to be happy. If I can't have my parents, then fuck it I want to be happy.
Ok I'm just rambling now...
Lets get on with the holidays please. There's several stations on XM that play Xmas music already. It reminds me of my mom. I can't ever listen to it probably not until I have kids. Its like hell.
BAH HUMBUG!!!
"If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less, keep me in your heart for a while." Warron Zevon
I was unsure of what direction I wanted this writing to go in--should it be my opinions, detailed life, down to the last name and quote, or should I keep it more about the general feelings and struggle? I think I'll chose the later. I don't want to offend anyone. I would like other people to see this and read about the struggle that is very real of a recovering care-taker who is still grieving and lost.
I don't even know where to begin. I'll cut and past parts of some previous posts so that this is cohesive and make some sense, flowing more in order then not....but I am by no means a writer. I don't go to school for it, I'm not formal, the most I know is some grammar...and thats pushing it. Mostly its just ideas and feelings and opinions all jumbled into a few paragraphs. So maybe along the way I'll make progress towards being a better writer. I know when I go back to school that's a given--lots of writing...and it will have to be better or I'm not going to pass :)
OK. Onward.
At this point, my grief is really having a way with me. Mostly just during downtime--this occurs when I'm sitting at home waiting to go to work. Or when I'm off, driving around town, running errands, going through boxes of stuff since we just moved. Today it must have happened no less than 10 times. Once or twice a few tears came, but I'm moved on and kept doing the task at hand. I even stopped at Pamplona to check on it. Let me tell you, seeing the house you grew up in very empty and just alone is saddening. It used to be filled with tons and tons of stuff. And now, its empty. Bob and Ruth's house is officially empty. I want to sell it, and move on...keep on moving seems to be the only way I can handle this situation. The more time I have to think about it makes it worse.
With this all being said, there is the component of missing my Mom and Dad and how different it is with each of them. There are similarities. I feel so f-ing cheated with my Mom because she suffered so greatly with something she didn't ask for and was cheated out of at good solid 4 years or more of her life that she could have enjoyed more. My dad was sick, he had accomplished a lot in his life. He knew that the smoking is what did it to him, and he said that on numerous occasions, and he made peace with that part. My mom couldn't make peace with a f-ing thing, unless she did it in her own mind; I know she had no memory and her brain changed, but I think she had time to think about it while she was getting to the end.
There is a family component to all of this that has been a roller coaster at least for me. I'll leave it at that.
We had my Dad's burial service on his birthday, 10/30. Ann and Andrea attended and visited for a few days. The service was beautiful. I recorded all of it. I read a poem at the burial site, played music. We were pleasantly surprised that my Mom's stone had come in and was there. My dad is just to the left of her. I need to get out there and visit more, but lately it hasn't been in the cards lately. Soon I'll be there more often. Flowers, decorations and all those good things.
The sadness for me comes from not only just not being able to talk to them in the flesh, ask them questions, physically touch them, but the fact their life is over. There's nothing left. I HOPE they are in Heaven, I hope they are watching down on us. I pray they are because without that, then....I just don't understand this crazy world. Where would you go? Your spirit that is. Why wouldn't it be something magical, watching your loved ones from Heaven? Thats what I'm hoping otherwise what in the hell do I have to look forward to???
I keep flashing back to the day of my Mom's funeral. There are more things I wish I could have been able to say when I had my chance. I have these memories of it, holding Aunt Susie's hand and singing silently "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What A Wonderful World" with her. I will always cherish that, and Travis was with me on the other side holding my hand. I smiled as a sung, because I knew she would be smiling.
With my dad, I sang silently along to "Landslide" by Stevie Knicks/Fleetwood Mac. I picked it because it was something I had heard when I was about 14 or 15 and it became popular off of their live album, and also by the Smashing Pumpkins and it just reminded me of him. I think we had been having some squabbles at the time, you know, a hormonal teenager growing up. I remember walking Duncan on the bike path and listening to it thinking, someday, I'd play this at his funeral. I remember after all those years.
I know that I am ultimately responsible for taking care of myself after this as far as therapy goes, so I'm going to try to get on that more. I have an appt with my Gilcrest therapist on 11/25 so I'm gearing up with what to talk about and questions to ask. I'm trying to journal here and there (on paper) and see if that helps. More of the personal things, stuff I wouldn't put on here because it isn't appropriate.
If I had to say one year ago today that I'd be in this position, I wouldn't know what to say. I figured I'd be at home on Pamplona with the routine of taking care of my Dad.
If I had to say this was my sole calling in life then so be it, at least i made a difference in my parent's lives and I can rest easier knowing that they were loved and cherished by all of us kids above and beyond.
Love you Daddy, Love you Mommy. Happy belated 85th Daddy! Happy Belated Veteran's Day! Semper Fi!
