10/14/17

Great new song by Walk The Moon :)

So my little gym experiment didn't quite pan out! Shocker! I will try again Monday.  I'm pretty sure that the only way I can get some weight off quickly will be a lot of liquid meals. Like in the beginning with my sleeve. It just requires planning. I hate planning, it gives me anxiety when it has to do with food :(



I spoke with Aunt Beah yesterday!! When she called, she sounded a lot like Daddy right before he died; very tired and weary, yet still trying to be strong and get through the every day motions. She is so damn strong! I swear I would have quit by now. She says she has 2 more radiation treatments and the worst thing happened--her hair started falling out in huge clumps :(  I think there's nothing worse than seeing a cancer riddled person get skinny, lose their hair, and look like crap. Its like a huge visual saying "I'm dying over here!" I told her through tears that I wanted to come see her and hug her. She said that she would love that.  Breaks my heart, because I don't know if I can make that happen. She will find out soon what the prognosis is. *Sigh* I'm angry again...now this time at cancer. There's so much I want to talk to her about that I haven't had a chance to, this sucks. I don't want her suffering or feeling shitty, and I know she is. Her spirit seems great. But that only takes you so far before your body gives out. We all know that from watching my Dad.



I will be going to Mass in the morning then straight to work. I work Monday too and then I'm off Tuesday; I have a bunch of errands to run. And probably a nap--wait no, GYM! MUST GO! I think I'm just tired now from being at work so thats where that nap thing comes in haha.

Ummm, Hi October 2017?

I cannot believe its October 2017.

WHERE THE HELL DID SUMMER GO??! It is my favorite season! I miss the beach so much that even though I went last weekend, it wasn't even close to being enough. *sigh*

Keeping  busy with work is helping to keep my mind of any kind of grief. So I guess that's a good thing. My Aunt Beah isn't doing well, apparently the cancer has spread to her brain and wherever else it can go. This is ridiculous! A woman who has been so strong and so perfect her whole life has to suffer with this. She reminds me so much of my father in that she fights and fights and doesn't quit, but eventually she will give in. I don't blame her, and I would probably do the exact same thing.  Oddly I have been putting off calling her which is so fucked up. It may be because I'm afraid how she will sound, what she'll talk about, and if it is the last call I have with her. I want to remember her the way she was when she visited Maryland 2 years ago, or when I had a 3 hour conversation with her right after my Dad died.

This is something I just have to accept; I have a large family, I'm the youngest on both sides, and as humans we tend to not live forever.  I'm forever grateful I reconnected with her in the past couple years. I know her and my Dad were always close but still up until the last decade they always had some disagreement. Gee, who does that sound like in 30 years? :)  That's a fact of life when you have a lot of siblings. I'm still trying to make peace with the fact that our little clan isn't ever going to be the same again now that we are orphans.

I think that I am going to try yet again to get back in the gym and develop a routine. I've been going over some videos on youtube to jog my memory of what to do; I see people who do the "ab day" or the "leg day" and I'm questioning if thats the best for me, because Lord help me if I'm at work at my legs are killing me and I want to scream. No good. Speaking of work,  it's starting to pick up and get busy again. Not every single day, but I definitely can see more and more sick folks coming in with the pre-cursers to flu and pna.

So back to the gym. It is very intimidating to change your eating habits at the same time you are establishing a workout routine to stick to; I'm not saying bring on the junk and crap food but if I empty out my kitchen (which is pretty bare!) and stock it with all healthy stuff. That's setting myself up for failure, so let me see if I can get a routine going for at least a week. If I can do 7 days I'll be quite proud of myself!

Ok.....7 days...begins in the AM.....

June 4, 2017

Oh my. What a roller coaster of emotions in the past 2 months.

Jack walked on out me, broke up via text, while I was at work, with NO warning.
Blocked me from everything in his life. I can't begin to describe what that says.

I'm angry, I'm disrespected, I feel like a chump, I feel like I just got shit on. Used.
But I know that I'll get through this and I know that he is a psychopath that needs to get his
shit together. So not the right one for me.  He treated me well when he was with me,
but I think he was either talking to someone else or is going back to Tracy. Whatever it may be,
our paths will cross and I'll make sure he know what he did to me. I may not be so nice.

I miss the hell out of my parents. We observed Memorial Day weekend last weekend, which i thoroughly enjoyed. Flags everywhere!

Work will be a challenge but in a good way I hope.

I need to improve some areas of my life, to make me a stronger, better person. I need to stay with The Lord and let him guide me.

There are moments when I want to just go to sleep and not wake up, but they pass very quickly and I'm ok. I'll be fine. I got knocked down, but I'm getting up. Fuck that asshole and his games. You
fucked with the wrong girl.

I have to keep the faith that I'll reach my destination and goals.

May 2017

The last post I wrote in November, but accidentally didn't publish it until now.

So that awesome guy....never panned out to more than a couple times of week. He didn't want a relationship. So I figured that out and just enjoyed his company. I haven't seen him since maybe the beginning of April or so. He's so "busy" lol  I just roll my eyes and say whatever. It was fun while it lasted.

I met someone else,well, reconnected.  Everyone was shocked when they found it was Jack, since we didn't exactly end on good terms 5 years ago. But thats the current situation. While it scares the shit of me to be in a relationship, I do love it at the same time. I'm always scared. I think its the financial part that scares me, I don't want to end up back in the same position as I was last summer and fall...and winter...hell all the way until current.

I did forget to mention I did run the Marine Corps Marathon 10K last October 30, 2016. On my dad's birthday! It was the most fun I've ever had at a race. I definitely want to do it every year. I need to sign up soon for it, but as usual, my money is all gone. I hate this money situation :(

There's been a lot of thought of Ruthie and Daddy lately. I had my Confirmation at my church on Easter Vigil. Kelly, Mary, Mike and Terri came, Susan was my stand-in sponsor, and Aunt Beah was my official one. She sent me such a nice card, and a realllllllly nice white angel statue. It means so much to me that she sent that and all the nice things they wrote. I'm so happy they all came! Terri got me a really nice Bible and inscribed it like you would if you were giving it to a younger person in the traditional way. Seriously, just so sweet.

I'm feeling that anger and rage that they are gone still. It has come back and I feel tired, depressed, and in a fog. I don't know if it's the Clonazepam thats causing the fog, but sometimes I get this idea in my head that I can't face the emotions without taking it. Its not an every day thing, but I've relied on it  a lot lately. I almost feel like if its not a nice day out, like today its raining and gross-I just want to sleep all day. I don't want to be coherent. I feel like if someone took that away from me, I'd be very angry and it would be like taking my safety net away from me. I don't tell anyone that I do this; I'm sure Travis knows what I do but he doesn't really care since he's dealing with his own stuff.

Jack is still new to this crazy rollercoaster of my life.  He will learn soon how this is going to play out! I'm not a perfect adult that has it all under control in my head.

I would like to go to Women's Bible Study at church and help with the ASP trips, I think that will help me stay distracted in a good way. I still have dreams of coordinating a 5K race in my mom's honor.

I see all these people around me doing great things; buying houses, getting married, having babies, and I'm so far behind. I can only wait so long before having a baby. And I'm not even sure I'll ever get to, if I don't have this depression under control and my finances in better shape it would be cruel to have a child.

On a positive note, I have a full time position at Odenton Patient First (as a floor RN) and I NEVER NEVER NEVER have to go back to Columbia ever again!!!! I feel so good about that I can't even put it into words.  No more bullshit with Kim Jung Ung, or w/e that dictator's name is. No more drama with the providers who like to be assholes. I will miss a great deal of the people there, but I had to do it. Peace Out!

I haven't run other than once or twice this whole year. The weather has sucked and I hate treadmill runs. No excuse, but thats just how its been. Plus I'm no where near my favorite lakes to run...

I'm really hoping I can move back to Columbia this fall; I miss it there.  It will be closer to work. And all of the things I know and love and feel comfortable around.

I'm fighting a nap right now :(  I don't want to cry. I don't want to think about sad things, but my go to is to ignore them. Push them away...pretend that I'm going to deal with it later. and then I don't and it just seeps in and I have to let it out or explode...my heart pounds and I go nuts basically. I doesn't last long, but long enough that it takes some time out of my day.

This interacts with my ability to focus on losing weight too. So I'm trying to brainstorm with some ideas of what to do in order to focus this sad energy into something worthy so that I can at least make a difference in someone else's life or improve mine.

I'm not going to give up, and I'm going to rely on my support system and keep on going! This too shall pass.

I miss my parents, I miss my family. I miss all those have gone to sleep in hopes of waking up in heaven.

Overdue, No More!!

I realize it's been since April that I've written in here. And its now mid-November! But what do you expect from the procrastinating queen of the tristate area?

Little summary of summer. SO SAD to see it go. I hate fall and winter, it gives me automatic anxiety. I do love the weather, the football, all of that. But I HATE the Christmas music, the decorations, presents, music, did I mention music? I digress.

I finished my real estate test and license. Kelly didn't even bother to talk to me about it since she was buying a house. Im sorry, but thats really fucked up. But its too late now; they found a nice house that they like and are happy. But believe me, it shows me that they have zero faith in me, which really hurts. I could have really jumpstarted my career that way. I have to come to the realization that she is going to do whatever she wants to do and it doesn't matter who she hurts or considers. I could have definitely found her a house. And she in typical Kelly fashion didn't want to talk about it and immediately got defensive about it. I give up on that nonsense. So as of now, I'm not actively working as a REA, but hopefully I can next year.

Spent most of August looking for an apartment, was going to have my friend Jen move in with us but she brought her mother with every time we'd go look and it was really awkward. Nothing as up to her standards. So I settled on the one I'm in now. Its far from perfect, but I like the inside of it a lot, so I'm happy.

Moving out was MISERABLE. I have a lot of stuff. I'm 36, it happens. I'm not a 20 year old anymore, so anyone who wants to judge me can really go fuck off. I'll get a storage unit if necessary.

I've been working almost full time hours at Patient First thanks to other centers who welcome me when they need to fill shifts. I'm hoping for full time by next summer.

Travis has been having a rough time lately, and he's driving me nuts. I'm just trying to maintain my own sanity, and he's driving me nuts in the process. He is getting the help he needs at the moment.
I need a roommate soon, and I put some feelers out. I need to make sure bills are paid each month. Can't be having that drama.

I met a really sweet, smart, funny, and awesome guy....