Time Passes

So my last post was pretty emotional and charged. I even scared myself. I'm not out of the woods yet, but maybe seeing some light out on the road?...

I was able to get an appt with a doctor who specializes in PTSD, but as usual, its pay out of pocket. She seems to think I can submit a claim to insurance to get reimbursed, we shall see. I'll try her out at least once or twice. Grief Share starts June 13. My hormones are fine according to my new NP at my OBGYN office. Next week I see Lucky for my meds, so I may ask her for a drug called Vivance, my coworker told me about it today.

I used to take Ritalin and/or Adderall in nursing school which is probably the only way I could study for 6 or more hours a day. I don't think stopping that was necessarily a good idea, but aren't adults supposed to be mature enough to concentrate? LOL. Apparently I'm not. And with this other crazy stuff in my head I may just need something like that.

I can't describe just what it is that runs through my brain; sometimes its all focused on pictures of my dad, or something I did with my mom; a childhood memory. A moment in time somewhere...Or it could be the current life situation I'm in where I have no clue where I'll be living next March and how I can afford to pay the horrid bills I have if I don't get a part time job or something. That is so real
and scary to me. Having no back up plan for the first time ever is the.worst.feeling.ever.!! Nobody wants to be with me if I'm in that situation which I don't feel I can remedy in the remaining 9 months.  I really just wanted to enjoy this summer and all I do is worry about it.

Worry if I'm going to do something fun for July 4th, worry if I can afford to go to a Taylor Swift show, etc. I have no concept of living in the moment.  How does one do that???

Its up to me to get the ball rolling. I may need a push.

I still get the chest anxiety more often then I used to, but better than last week. I still feel pretty alone although I did talk to Dave, who also has PTSD from being in the Navy. Similar feelings, different causes. He is going through a treatment right now called Exposure Therapy. I want to read up on that and see how that would apply to me if it does. I am willing to try anything I haven't before to make some steps towards feeling better. It's difficult when there isn't someone who gets it... sister will never get it or accept it, and I should know better than to try to explain it to her. Big sister at least tries to talk to me about it and was genuinely worried.  She actually asked me what it feels like, and does just say grow up or get over it. I think she has lived her whole live with PTSD to be honest. But she seems to manage and get by, so even though there are days when it pains me to wake up and deal with life I really have no choice and no excuse.

My Priest never contacted me. At least not that I know of, I get so many crazy numbers that maybe one of them was from him, but I think he'd at least leave a message.  He is probably busy and I get that. If I showed up for mass maybe I'd be able to catch him in person.


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So its been 2 1/2 hours since I wrote the above; I'm sitting here on this gorgeous evening, was going to watch American Idol but not sure if I want to stay and do that. Maybe I'll go home, I'll know in a few minutes.

As I was sitting out on the back porch here, I am wondering to myself "why do I feel so damn unwanted all the time?" Even if it's really something simple like the other person is tired or sick that evening, or busy, or whatever. I wouldn't mind being home with my dogs right now to be honest, and in my own bed. Even though I hate that apartment and the neighborhood.  Its awkward being in
someone else's house while they are napping...I feel like I should have just left. If he is indeed sick,
then really why am I here? I don't want germs and dude needs to rest! But he told me to stay. And I obeyed. Watch this blow up in my face. I'll miss AI. I'm already missing dinner with The Pilot.

Speaking of the Pilot, I'm officially sure we will never be more than friends because I won't establish a boundary or tell him my real feelings for him. I'm afraid it will upset the delicate balance I already do have with him, and keeping him as a friend might be a good thing rather than just losing touch all together, which I'm sure will happen one day. One day he'll meet some fantastic girl who is more like him or can fly a plan or works with him or something. That'll never be me. That was a hard pill to swallow when I saw him last week, something just hit me. I was already so upset about whatever it is I'm being upset about that it didn't phase me.

I texted Dave to see how he was doing; as usual the conversation was all about him. Another problem I have and I should understand by now--guys don't give a shit--not one-- 99% of the time how you are doing! The Pilot may be the only exception. And even that's probably situational. I don't know how people find their soul mates or spouses and are in love and work as a pair and so on. I feel like I'm pretty sure I'm never going to find that. 38 years and I am not able to even make that happen. I can't even keep or find a boyfriend, no ones the person I've become. I don't blame them, I probably wouldn't either.

So here we go!

I don't know what to say when I get on here, but I think of all of these things I want to say while I'm driving or at work!

I'm not sure whats wrong with me--I'm not able to function on a day to day basis without crying, becoming very frustrated in a short period of time, feeling like the world is against me, no one likes me, I'm lonely; pretty much I've done nothing with my life. I'm so depressed I DREAD getting out of bed. But I have to, I have a precious dog that I have to take out and another one as well.

I can barely make it through a work shift without wanting to cry or scream. I've managed. My emotions are all over the place; I'm financially FUCKED as usual because I'm living in this hell hole
of an apartment with of all people, Travis. At this point in my life I should be making more money,
have gone back to school, have better credit, bought a house and be with someone who wants to marry me.  I have none of that, and only myself to blame. I sometimes blame others for bits and pieces of my problems, because they certainly didn't make it any easier. I don't know how to take charge of my life and be a grown up anymore. I relied on money to solve my problems and that failed miserably.  I am irresponsible and unable to take care of myself.

People tell me to get over it, to stop being negative, that I'm a "good person" and all these easy solutions. Sorry its deeper than that. I'm overwhelmed with grief again! The one person who didn't judge me but would still tell it how it should be to me in just the right way died last year. I feel selfish for thinking this, but I feel like I got cheated again. Just take away my whole damn family! Just let everyone die huh? Just leave me to be alone and let me feel horrible everyday.

Now comes the part where I know I need to take some responsibility for this. I seem to have excuses for not helping myself. A lot of it stems from the shitty insurance that I have and the lack of money to go with it. I have to set up a goddamn payment plan for taxes because I couldn't afford to pay them back in 2017 for 2016. I have a ridiculous car payment and insurance. Apparently I'm a bad driver? When the fuck did that happen? Geezus christ. I can't even drive correctly.

I have issues with my siblings because they just can't get emotionally involved with any of this. Kelly tells me to get over it, because I have to, I can't let anything bother me! Its not worth it. Terri ignores me because she is really busy (I get that) and Ann has her own problems. So who is left? Mike? I can't burden him, Mary's mother just passed away, I can't lay some nonsense on him. I'm hurting so bad and I can't do my daily ADL's hardly. I probably should be in a legit hospital or rehab but I can't afford that like my niece who just had mommy and daddy bank roll that little fun trip.

The only thing keeping me from ending my crap life are my dogs and my sister Ann.  I don't want to leave the dogs ever, I love them too much. But I haven't kept up with there vaccinations. I haven't got their up to date rabies shots. I'm afraid of taking them in for financial reasons and also if something is wrong with Tess I don't think I could handle it!  I'm just so behind. I have a tooth that broke back in December, I was supposed to get the post put in and a crown and all this shit done and I haven't been able to for ..... you guessed it financial reasons.

So, for financial reason, shouldn't I just work more? Get a part time job? Something in that realm?
Much easier said then done. I have to be able to get out of bed first. My resume looks like shit, and I'm too emotionally fucked up to give 100% to anything else right now. So I guess I need to figure out what order of all of these things needs to be in.

I have a horrible sinus headache now, I need to shower and walk the dogs in this ghetto fucking neighborhood and risk having Bugsy get wild on me. Poor Tess she just wants to walk with me and no one else. All I want to do is sleep.

BUT NO. 3pm work.

So if I can just get through today I don't know what will come tomorrow. Probably more of this shit.