So here we go!

I don't know what to say when I get on here, but I think of all of these things I want to say while I'm driving or at work!

I'm not sure whats wrong with me--I'm not able to function on a day to day basis without crying, becoming very frustrated in a short period of time, feeling like the world is against me, no one likes me, I'm lonely; pretty much I've done nothing with my life. I'm so depressed I DREAD getting out of bed. But I have to, I have a precious dog that I have to take out and another one as well.

I can barely make it through a work shift without wanting to cry or scream. I've managed. My emotions are all over the place; I'm financially FUCKED as usual because I'm living in this hell hole
of an apartment with of all people, Travis. At this point in my life I should be making more money,
have gone back to school, have better credit, bought a house and be with someone who wants to marry me.  I have none of that, and only myself to blame. I sometimes blame others for bits and pieces of my problems, because they certainly didn't make it any easier. I don't know how to take charge of my life and be a grown up anymore. I relied on money to solve my problems and that failed miserably.  I am irresponsible and unable to take care of myself.

People tell me to get over it, to stop being negative, that I'm a "good person" and all these easy solutions. Sorry its deeper than that. I'm overwhelmed with grief again! The one person who didn't judge me but would still tell it how it should be to me in just the right way died last year. I feel selfish for thinking this, but I feel like I got cheated again. Just take away my whole damn family! Just let everyone die huh? Just leave me to be alone and let me feel horrible everyday.

Now comes the part where I know I need to take some responsibility for this. I seem to have excuses for not helping myself. A lot of it stems from the shitty insurance that I have and the lack of money to go with it. I have to set up a goddamn payment plan for taxes because I couldn't afford to pay them back in 2017 for 2016. I have a ridiculous car payment and insurance. Apparently I'm a bad driver? When the fuck did that happen? Geezus christ. I can't even drive correctly.

I have issues with my siblings because they just can't get emotionally involved with any of this. Kelly tells me to get over it, because I have to, I can't let anything bother me! Its not worth it. Terri ignores me because she is really busy (I get that) and Ann has her own problems. So who is left? Mike? I can't burden him, Mary's mother just passed away, I can't lay some nonsense on him. I'm hurting so bad and I can't do my daily ADL's hardly. I probably should be in a legit hospital or rehab but I can't afford that like my niece who just had mommy and daddy bank roll that little fun trip.

The only thing keeping me from ending my crap life are my dogs and my sister Ann.  I don't want to leave the dogs ever, I love them too much. But I haven't kept up with there vaccinations. I haven't got their up to date rabies shots. I'm afraid of taking them in for financial reasons and also if something is wrong with Tess I don't think I could handle it!  I'm just so behind. I have a tooth that broke back in December, I was supposed to get the post put in and a crown and all this shit done and I haven't been able to for ..... you guessed it financial reasons.

So, for financial reason, shouldn't I just work more? Get a part time job? Something in that realm?
Much easier said then done. I have to be able to get out of bed first. My resume looks like shit, and I'm too emotionally fucked up to give 100% to anything else right now. So I guess I need to figure out what order of all of these things needs to be in.

I have a horrible sinus headache now, I need to shower and walk the dogs in this ghetto fucking neighborhood and risk having Bugsy get wild on me. Poor Tess she just wants to walk with me and no one else. All I want to do is sleep.

BUT NO. 3pm work.

So if I can just get through today I don't know what will come tomorrow. Probably more of this shit.