Hark The Herald Angels Sing!! Glory to the Newborn King!

It is Christmas technically in 1 hour 20 minutes. So today was the great "Eve" where some people work, some don't, I was lucky to be off. But back tomorrow for 5 days. 
So with my parents being in Heaven this season, it has obviously been a train wreck of emotions and crying. I'm not sure what I'm specifically crying over--the fact they aren't here to enjoy us all together, or the fact that I'm selfish and just want them here. Either way, they're not. They're in a place where i'm sure if you celebrate Christmas as a Catholic its probably the most spectacular thing. Auntie Joan is up their  Grandma Rachel, Grandpa Rooks, Grandma Florence, Cousin Kirk, Grandma and Grandpa Novotny, and Uncle Robert. I'm hoping they aren't too upset looking down on my sadness. I'm trying to keep my 's' together, but it's such a challenge. Apparently I need to change my attitude, and I think I can at least attempt this. If it helps me succeed and keep going on in work and life without the anxiety and issues, I guess I can get off my butt and try. 

My father got his headstone!! It looks beautiful! I want to kiss it! I can't actually do that lol. We decorated them both up, my Mom's too, but it did rain so I hope everything made it through the weather. We are tentatively meeting on Sunday at the cemetery and then dinner. I hope we can actually talk and not just hide in our separate areas and ignore the fact that we just buried our parents this year and and had our first holiday without them. I'm going to push for this. They won't listen--and I mean the brothers really--it'll be stupid conversations about music and cars and jokes. Nope. we will dedicate some conversation to our parents. Thats what we should have done the last time after my dad's burial.

Anyway. I promised that I would Run For Ruthie and Bike for Bob but I haven't done it it all. I have plans to to do it, I will. I know I will. I have to get through this hump of work related BS. And my relationship needs some tweaking so we an at least exist together. I love him with all my heart. I'm just hurt an I feel alone. I won't go into details, this isn't the venue. But It doesn't make the rest of my  goals happen any fast.

I miss them so very much. Its a pain I can't describe, its like a low grade fever, it never goes away---it makes me miserable long enough where I want to cry, but can't always do that, but sometimes I can. It always happens when I have the flashbacks. Which I never know when they're going to come. They can pop in any moment, or something can trigger them.  What hurts the most is the majority of the people that don't really know me, or try to get to know, don't give a care. "I'm not here to be your friend. Your home life doesn't come to work" or w/e.  OK, fine. I'll remember that. However, thats not the way it should be, and I wouldn't stoop to that level.

With that being said, the house will go to auction in 3 weeks. It can't go fast enough.  I'm praying it will give us a good chunk of money, I need a lot for the things I want to do. I want to go back to school so bad. Make my parents proud.

So Ruthie, I'll get back to running for ya, and Daddy, I'll start the biking when its possible. LOVE YOU BOTH and Merry Christmas!

I love my family, my sisters, brothers, nieces, cousins, aunts and uncles. I'm praying for some of them who really need it right now.

top pic: late 80's maybe early 90's Pamplona Christmas tree, decorated by myself and my Mom.

second pic: a week ago at my sister Terri's house after I decorated her tree. GO PACK GO! :) <3 

Looking Back on 2015...part 1

When "2015" comes to mind, I just sigh and go "uggggh." Obviously from the things I've written one would gather it wasn't the most warm and fuzzy year for me. With that being said, it wasn't all bad, there were some good parts.

Good things:

My mother was called to Heaven and leg go of her suffering.
I was able to have a surgery that provided me with the tool to lose weight and keep from gaining.
Travis became close to my Dad.
I discovered some new music that I love <3
I met some cool people.
I learned how strong I can be.
I started running again. (Although....I sorta haven't in a bit.....)
I got a bike and will be joining my cousins next summer in Iowa!
I learned that I'm worthy of someone who loves me
I attended therapy sessions that I learned a lot from
I reconnected with both sides of my family
I learned a lot about my parents younger days
I felt a lot of love when we had my their funerals
I quit a crappy job, and started a much better one
I learned that if I want something, anything at all, I have to make it happen, it doesn't come to me
I've learned to grieve without it ruining my life and dragging me down to the point of not functioning
I have planned for some awesome things to happen in 2016 and beyond.

I'm not going to talk about the "bad" things just yet but I know I will feel better about getting it out of my system. Maybe sometime soon. Right now, I have to take the advice of my grief counselor and that is 1) Relax, let things pan out the way they are going to pan out. 2) When something else seems to become a huge problem, it means that the other things that were what you thought were huge problems are now things you can handle and have control over....so now you have something new to "conquer." Basically, God isn't going to give me anything I can't handle. Its HOW you handle it that matters the most. I can choose to be depressed ALL the time, I can choose to not be active and to feel sorry for myself, or I can be active and socialize and try new things.

So my goals are to do exactly that. Take my own advice here! I need to log more miles for Ruthie, and hopefully I can start the biking portion for my Dad at some point too.

The reality is I'm going to have a lot of sad moments, days, times, and feelings. It's not going to end anytime soon. I guess its how I choose to handle them that really matter. At some point, hiding in bed crying isn't going to be the best solution....

"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive..." 

--Florence and the Machine

Holidays Suck

Oh its one those days...I haven't had a good cry in a while.  I just watched the video I took of my Dad's ceremony last month; listened to the words that were spoken, watched the flag being presented to Terri. It's oddly comforting, yet so depressing and sad to lose him.

I feel like I didn't get to share certain things with him---a good laugh, a good cry that was mutual, a proud moment, a loving and kind moment. I feel cheated out of this. I feel like I should have tried harder to have these. I feel like why didn't he want to have them with me?

I am having a hard time with the fact that just a year ago they were both here, sick as they were, they were here in the flesh. I could at least see them. Now they are but dust in the ground. I am so sad. I miss them terribly. Its sos final, there are NO MORE memories that I get to make with them. They don't get to be a part of my every day life anymore. I can only hope they are watching from Heaven, and even that's not a given--who knows if thats even how it works in this universe. I tell myself that's how it is probably just to ease the pain of this loss.

I still cannot believe my dad is gone. Seriously? How? Is it real? Will I wake up from a dream? Will this all be a dream??? No. Its not. This is real life, and it sucks sometimes.

And its not even like they died under crazy tragic circumstances--no trauma, no accidents, no murders, just regular aging, diseased, death. But having looked back on their lives, realizing how simple yet meaningful they were to me and my siblings makes it just as traumatic to me. You only have one set of parents, no matter how you lose them, its hard.  And with the holidays and the anniversary of my mom's death/my birthday coming up, I'm just not looking forward to any of it. I want it all to fly by. I want to rush this whole next 6? months. I want to fast forward a little. And winter being here, thats definitely not fun. I'm not looking forward to the shitty weather and dark days. Spring and summer are what I prefer.

I know one day I'll be reunited with them, and I'll have all sorts of things to tell them and share with them. And if its like how I think it is, they'll already know about it, but I'll get to tell them. My spirit in Heaven will reunite, and it will be beautiful and amazing. Thats what I'm counting on, so I hope my God will make this happen.