10/14/17

Great new song by Walk The Moon :)

So my little gym experiment didn't quite pan out! Shocker! I will try again Monday.  I'm pretty sure that the only way I can get some weight off quickly will be a lot of liquid meals. Like in the beginning with my sleeve. It just requires planning. I hate planning, it gives me anxiety when it has to do with food :(



I spoke with Aunt Beah yesterday!! When she called, she sounded a lot like Daddy right before he died; very tired and weary, yet still trying to be strong and get through the every day motions. She is so damn strong! I swear I would have quit by now. She says she has 2 more radiation treatments and the worst thing happened--her hair started falling out in huge clumps :(  I think there's nothing worse than seeing a cancer riddled person get skinny, lose their hair, and look like crap. Its like a huge visual saying "I'm dying over here!" I told her through tears that I wanted to come see her and hug her. She said that she would love that.  Breaks my heart, because I don't know if I can make that happen. She will find out soon what the prognosis is. *Sigh* I'm angry again...now this time at cancer. There's so much I want to talk to her about that I haven't had a chance to, this sucks. I don't want her suffering or feeling shitty, and I know she is. Her spirit seems great. But that only takes you so far before your body gives out. We all know that from watching my Dad.



I will be going to Mass in the morning then straight to work. I work Monday too and then I'm off Tuesday; I have a bunch of errands to run. And probably a nap--wait no, GYM! MUST GO! I think I'm just tired now from being at work so thats where that nap thing comes in haha.

Ummm, Hi October 2017?

I cannot believe its October 2017.

WHERE THE HELL DID SUMMER GO??! It is my favorite season! I miss the beach so much that even though I went last weekend, it wasn't even close to being enough. *sigh*

Keeping  busy with work is helping to keep my mind of any kind of grief. So I guess that's a good thing. My Aunt Beah isn't doing well, apparently the cancer has spread to her brain and wherever else it can go. This is ridiculous! A woman who has been so strong and so perfect her whole life has to suffer with this. She reminds me so much of my father in that she fights and fights and doesn't quit, but eventually she will give in. I don't blame her, and I would probably do the exact same thing.  Oddly I have been putting off calling her which is so fucked up. It may be because I'm afraid how she will sound, what she'll talk about, and if it is the last call I have with her. I want to remember her the way she was when she visited Maryland 2 years ago, or when I had a 3 hour conversation with her right after my Dad died.

This is something I just have to accept; I have a large family, I'm the youngest on both sides, and as humans we tend to not live forever.  I'm forever grateful I reconnected with her in the past couple years. I know her and my Dad were always close but still up until the last decade they always had some disagreement. Gee, who does that sound like in 30 years? :)  That's a fact of life when you have a lot of siblings. I'm still trying to make peace with the fact that our little clan isn't ever going to be the same again now that we are orphans.

I think that I am going to try yet again to get back in the gym and develop a routine. I've been going over some videos on youtube to jog my memory of what to do; I see people who do the "ab day" or the "leg day" and I'm questioning if thats the best for me, because Lord help me if I'm at work at my legs are killing me and I want to scream. No good. Speaking of work,  it's starting to pick up and get busy again. Not every single day, but I definitely can see more and more sick folks coming in with the pre-cursers to flu and pna.

So back to the gym. It is very intimidating to change your eating habits at the same time you are establishing a workout routine to stick to; I'm not saying bring on the junk and crap food but if I empty out my kitchen (which is pretty bare!) and stock it with all healthy stuff. That's setting myself up for failure, so let me see if I can get a routine going for at least a week. If I can do 7 days I'll be quite proud of myself!

Ok.....7 days...begins in the AM.....