So with my parents being in Heaven this season, it has obviously been a train wreck of emotions and crying. I'm not sure what I'm specifically crying over--the fact they aren't here to enjoy us all together, or the fact that I'm selfish and just want them here. Either way, they're not. They're in a place where i'm sure if you celebrate Christmas as a Catholic its probably the most spectacular thing. Auntie Joan is up their Grandma Rachel, Grandpa Rooks, Grandma Florence, Cousin Kirk, Grandma and Grandpa Novotny, and Uncle Robert. I'm hoping they aren't too upset looking down on my sadness. I'm trying to keep my 's' together, but it's such a challenge. Apparently I need to change my attitude, and I think I can at least attempt this. If it helps me succeed and keep going on in work and life without the anxiety and issues, I guess I can get off my butt and try.
My father got his headstone!! It looks beautiful! I want to kiss it! I can't actually do that lol. We decorated them both up, my Mom's too, but it did rain so I hope everything made it through the weather. We are tentatively meeting on Sunday at the cemetery and then dinner. I hope we can actually talk and not just hide in our separate areas and ignore the fact that we just buried our parents this year and and had our first holiday without them. I'm going to push for this. They won't listen--and I mean the brothers really--it'll be stupid conversations about music and cars and jokes. Nope. we will dedicate some conversation to our parents. Thats what we should have done the last time after my dad's burial.
Anyway. I promised that I would Run For Ruthie and Bike for Bob but I haven't done it it all. I have plans to to do it, I will. I know I will. I have to get through this hump of work related BS. And my relationship needs some tweaking so we an at least exist together. I love him with all my heart. I'm just hurt an I feel alone. I won't go into details, this isn't the venue. But It doesn't make the rest of my goals happen any fast.
I miss them so very much. Its a pain I can't describe, its like a low grade fever, it never goes away---it makes me miserable long enough where I want to cry, but can't always do that, but sometimes I can. It always happens when I have the flashbacks. Which I never know when they're going to come. They can pop in any moment, or something can trigger them. What hurts the most is the majority of the people that don't really know me, or try to get to know, don't give a care. "I'm not here to be your friend. Your home life doesn't come to work" or w/e. OK, fine. I'll remember that. However, thats not the way it should be, and I wouldn't stoop to that level.
With that being said, the house will go to auction in 3 weeks. It can't go fast enough. I'm praying it will give us a good chunk of money, I need a lot for the things I want to do. I want to go back to school so bad. Make my parents proud.
So Ruthie, I'll get back to running for ya, and Daddy, I'll start the biking when its possible. LOVE YOU BOTH and Merry Christmas!
I love my family, my sisters, brothers, nieces, cousins, aunts and uncles. I'm praying for some of them who really need it right now.
top pic: late 80's maybe early 90's Pamplona Christmas tree, decorated by myself and my Mom.
second pic: a week ago at my sister Terri's house after I decorated her tree. GO PACK GO! :) <3
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