Holidays Suck

Oh its one those days...I haven't had a good cry in a while.  I just watched the video I took of my Dad's ceremony last month; listened to the words that were spoken, watched the flag being presented to Terri. It's oddly comforting, yet so depressing and sad to lose him.

I feel like I didn't get to share certain things with him---a good laugh, a good cry that was mutual, a proud moment, a loving and kind moment. I feel cheated out of this. I feel like I should have tried harder to have these. I feel like why didn't he want to have them with me?

I am having a hard time with the fact that just a year ago they were both here, sick as they were, they were here in the flesh. I could at least see them. Now they are but dust in the ground. I am so sad. I miss them terribly. Its sos final, there are NO MORE memories that I get to make with them. They don't get to be a part of my every day life anymore. I can only hope they are watching from Heaven, and even that's not a given--who knows if thats even how it works in this universe. I tell myself that's how it is probably just to ease the pain of this loss.

I still cannot believe my dad is gone. Seriously? How? Is it real? Will I wake up from a dream? Will this all be a dream??? No. Its not. This is real life, and it sucks sometimes.

And its not even like they died under crazy tragic circumstances--no trauma, no accidents, no murders, just regular aging, diseased, death. But having looked back on their lives, realizing how simple yet meaningful they were to me and my siblings makes it just as traumatic to me. You only have one set of parents, no matter how you lose them, its hard.  And with the holidays and the anniversary of my mom's death/my birthday coming up, I'm just not looking forward to any of it. I want it all to fly by. I want to rush this whole next 6? months. I want to fast forward a little. And winter being here, thats definitely not fun. I'm not looking forward to the shitty weather and dark days. Spring and summer are what I prefer.

I know one day I'll be reunited with them, and I'll have all sorts of things to tell them and share with them. And if its like how I think it is, they'll already know about it, but I'll get to tell them. My spirit in Heaven will reunite, and it will be beautiful and amazing. Thats what I'm counting on, so I hope my God will make this happen.