May 2017

The last post I wrote in November, but accidentally didn't publish it until now.

So that awesome guy....never panned out to more than a couple times of week. He didn't want a relationship. So I figured that out and just enjoyed his company. I haven't seen him since maybe the beginning of April or so. He's so "busy" lol  I just roll my eyes and say whatever. It was fun while it lasted.

I met someone else,well, reconnected.  Everyone was shocked when they found it was Jack, since we didn't exactly end on good terms 5 years ago. But thats the current situation. While it scares the shit of me to be in a relationship, I do love it at the same time. I'm always scared. I think its the financial part that scares me, I don't want to end up back in the same position as I was last summer and fall...and winter...hell all the way until current.

I did forget to mention I did run the Marine Corps Marathon 10K last October 30, 2016. On my dad's birthday! It was the most fun I've ever had at a race. I definitely want to do it every year. I need to sign up soon for it, but as usual, my money is all gone. I hate this money situation :(

There's been a lot of thought of Ruthie and Daddy lately. I had my Confirmation at my church on Easter Vigil. Kelly, Mary, Mike and Terri came, Susan was my stand-in sponsor, and Aunt Beah was my official one. She sent me such a nice card, and a realllllllly nice white angel statue. It means so much to me that she sent that and all the nice things they wrote. I'm so happy they all came! Terri got me a really nice Bible and inscribed it like you would if you were giving it to a younger person in the traditional way. Seriously, just so sweet.

I'm feeling that anger and rage that they are gone still. It has come back and I feel tired, depressed, and in a fog. I don't know if it's the Clonazepam thats causing the fog, but sometimes I get this idea in my head that I can't face the emotions without taking it. Its not an every day thing, but I've relied on it  a lot lately. I almost feel like if its not a nice day out, like today its raining and gross-I just want to sleep all day. I don't want to be coherent. I feel like if someone took that away from me, I'd be very angry and it would be like taking my safety net away from me. I don't tell anyone that I do this; I'm sure Travis knows what I do but he doesn't really care since he's dealing with his own stuff.

Jack is still new to this crazy rollercoaster of my life.  He will learn soon how this is going to play out! I'm not a perfect adult that has it all under control in my head.

I would like to go to Women's Bible Study at church and help with the ASP trips, I think that will help me stay distracted in a good way. I still have dreams of coordinating a 5K race in my mom's honor.

I see all these people around me doing great things; buying houses, getting married, having babies, and I'm so far behind. I can only wait so long before having a baby. And I'm not even sure I'll ever get to, if I don't have this depression under control and my finances in better shape it would be cruel to have a child.

On a positive note, I have a full time position at Odenton Patient First (as a floor RN) and I NEVER NEVER NEVER have to go back to Columbia ever again!!!! I feel so good about that I can't even put it into words.  No more bullshit with Kim Jung Ung, or w/e that dictator's name is. No more drama with the providers who like to be assholes. I will miss a great deal of the people there, but I had to do it. Peace Out!

I haven't run other than once or twice this whole year. The weather has sucked and I hate treadmill runs. No excuse, but thats just how its been. Plus I'm no where near my favorite lakes to run...

I'm really hoping I can move back to Columbia this fall; I miss it there.  It will be closer to work. And all of the things I know and love and feel comfortable around.

I'm fighting a nap right now :(  I don't want to cry. I don't want to think about sad things, but my go to is to ignore them. Push them away...pretend that I'm going to deal with it later. and then I don't and it just seeps in and I have to let it out or explode...my heart pounds and I go nuts basically. I doesn't last long, but long enough that it takes some time out of my day.

This interacts with my ability to focus on losing weight too. So I'm trying to brainstorm with some ideas of what to do in order to focus this sad energy into something worthy so that I can at least make a difference in someone else's life or improve mine.

I'm not going to give up, and I'm going to rely on my support system and keep on going! This too shall pass.

I miss my parents, I miss my family. I miss all those have gone to sleep in hopes of waking up in heaven.