Unending Love, Amazing Grace

Oh dear. The tears are flooding right now!

After working on the house today and going through all the file cabinets and finding things that bring back memories it was bound to hit me tonight.

Its Sunday tomorrow, and I'll visit the cemetery and make sure Ruthie is taken care of. I'll play music and probably carry out my ritual. But man, tonight, something really hit me.

Uncle Jerry must be so sad. His football buddy, big brother, and best friend is gone. This will be a sad football season without them discussing the Packers every night from August until January. The pain of not hearing this is...just freaking horrible!! I want to scream! Its so not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR! The phone still rings sometimes; I always immediately think its Uncle Jerry. And I'll here that infamous voice of my dad: "Hello." Followed by a completely different tone: "HI JER!" Like he hasn't talked to him in 5 years. Every night. Every single night. This is no more. It KILLLLLLLLLS me! So I can't even begin to imagine how his little brother, my Uncle Jerry, must feel right now.

But I realize, my dad is needed in Heaven right now. It's not an option--he has to be there. He has to watch over us. He has to protect us and guide us from a different point now. His work down here is done, but its just beginning up there.

I ran just over 10 miles in the past week; walked a ways this morning. I'm chiseling away at the pain slowly but surely. The pain of an uncertain future is still bothering me though. I'm praying my dad can guide my through it.

It is so painful and difficult to go through this and just when I think I can't, I do. I play the music and sing the lyrics or soak in the piano that makes up part of the soundtrack to this process.

"The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace."

Bucket List Beginning

Bruce know's exactly what all of us girls are thinking apparently.

Can you name the songs? Different one on each line...

Thunder Road, Badlands, Drive All Night,  Jersey Girl, Rosalita, Born To Run, No Surrender,  Dancing In The Dark,  Prove It All Night, and For You.

The last 2  I didn't know; I never payed attention to the songs that much. I know, crazy right?

I'm still learning some of his songs. I don't want to know everything all at once, I like to spread it out some; there are times in life when you find a certain song or get into a band and you grab some of the lyrics and really soak them in. I figure he's got a huge catalog, I have plenty of time to learn every single song and lyric. I feel that way about movies too, I'm not going to watch every single one--there might come a day when I'm stuck in bed for a long period of time and there would be a good opportunity to watch and sing right? :) Until then I need to keep moving. Sedentary lifestyles are bad for the brain. Some people (and when I say people I mean doctors? Scientists? Whoever it is) think that sedentary lifestyles are contributing to these brain disease. But I find a small fault in that--I know plenty of people that were movers and shakers, had 6 kids, worked, etc and ended up with that wretched disease. So how does that work???  But it can't hurt to be more of a mover then a sitter. Don't get me wrong, I like laying in front of the TV with my laptop but after a while, I just can't do it anymore. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I have kids.  You don't get a spare moment to do anything, so I'll be lucky to sleep or sit for 5 minutes.

So for Ruthie, she wasn't really sedentary until I was a teenager. She had quit smoking by then at least. She was never a drinker either. She had stomach ulcers, she was prone to them. I think she had migraines at one point too according to my sisters.

My dad was always moving. He was always doing a project, he worked hard; I know he probably sat a lot at work because it was that type of job, but he was a mover. He ate like shit though. Even until he died. But the last 2 years I felt like as long as he was eating, eat whatever you want. I know milk products are bad for the phlegm, and cow's milk in general is useless to humans but we use it anyway, but he liked it so I didn't push. I did make his "protein shakes" with almond milk and he didn't even know until I told him one day. I don't think he realized there was such a thing as almond milk lol. I don't eat cereal much anymore, so we keep a gallon of cow milk in the fridge and Travis drinks it more then I do. Certain meals I make I need cow milk for, you can't always sub in almond or soy for (that turns out disastrously gross btw).

I feel like I have 1,000 things I want to do on my Bucket List before I die, and I'm pretty behind on getting through them. I'm sure I'm not alone on that either. I don't know what the answer is. I know that some of the things are time sensitive--meaning my age and health status have to be excellent or nearly the best ever, so I can't wait too long on them.

PARTIAL BUCKET LIST

*Make Communion, find my way into
*Run a 10k
*Run a 1/2 Marathon
*Run the MCM
*Visit The Florida Keys and stay longer then a week
*Visit the Caribbean Islands
*Snorkel again
*Scuba?
*go to Europe--Italy, Poland, England, Ireland, Scotland, Norway, Sweden, Greece, Germany
*Hawaii, do a helo tour
* try to surf with a real surf board
*Fishing
*Go back to school
*get Real Estate License
*sell houses
*Flip Houses
*design/decorate houses
*own a business doing the above 4 things
*own 2 convertibles: A Miata (again) and a Shelby Kit Car (this will only be possible without kids and a lucrative business haha)
*See Bruce live as many times as I can
*Fall in Love, truly, madly, deeply.
*Do a stair club for 9/11
*visit Arlington National Cemetery
*Visit Rhinelander, WI
*Finish my ancestry.com project and publish it to send to family
*Learn how to photograph well
*chronicle my life through photography
*Keep enough $ in the bank to feel safe
*Keep enough $ in the bank so that if I don't work for 6 months we won't  go broke
*Adopt pets/foster pets and find them suitable homes
*Adopt a vegan lifestyle
*Go to a football game at Lambeau Field
*Go to a baseball game at Fenway Park
*Go to a World Series game, preferably with the Red Sox or Orioles
*Finish my tattoo ideas
*Keep my weight down to the goal #
*make new friends
*spend time with new friends
*develop closer relationships with my brothers
*see my family out on the West Coast once a year
*see my Midwest family once a year
*build something with my own hands
*OWN property
*write a book
*write a blog
*learn yoga
*learn pilates
*learn Barre
*Live the Dave Ramsey way
*Donate to End ALZ as much....


WILL CONTINUE THIS LIST AS TIME GOES ON*****

I'm Wearing 1,000 Bandaids

And another run for the win.

Ruthie, its HOT! Right around your birthday it gets humid as shit, and wicked hot. Thats your birthday month for ya! I get snow and ice, you get humidity and sun! Lucky! I'll take that over snow any day though.

I was dying at the end, it was just horrible. I got to the car and I could feel the heat on me and I think it was getting to that dangerous zone, even at almost 830pm. But I did it. Today I took the day off; according to my "Run Trainer" app I should have been in the gym doing weights or some shit. I hate weights. I feel overwhelmed, I don't know what I'm doing, I feel like a big baby--like I need a personal trainer with me the whole time!!! So let me keep the running going and then I'll work in the rest.

I did 10 minutes less in time, my pace was similar, It doesn't have my average speed on this screen shot for whatever reason. But I'm happy with it. I never sweated more in my life then I did with this run. It felt good. Thats what keeps you going back--the endorphins kick in, sometimes afterwards.
My eating has been so-so. I really need to watch that better. I'm a creature of habit. I'm stuck at 188. And sometimes it goes to 190, depending on the time of day. Its frustrating but I get why its happening. But I fucking wear a 12 so HA. Take that.

My new play list is great. I found a couple DJ's that do mash-ups, most of their stuff is not my style, but I'm sure if you hear it at a rave or club it sounds better. But they put this mash up of "Born This Way" by Lady GaGa and then "Born In The USA" by Bruce together and its freaking awesome. Its simple, not crazy, the rest of their stuff is really out there. They're like Coachella/Deadmau5 stuff. I don't relate. Lets just leave it at that.
Here is a crappy screenshot of my iTunes Playlist I use currently.

And here is Tess, at the Columbia Dog Park, doing what she does best--boss everyone around. She enjoyed herself, she played and ran quite a bit. I would say she got good exercise. It wasn't so hot either, and we had tons of water. The shaded area where we hung out was great; the other dogs were well behaved and it worked out nice. But you have to pay and get a special tag and register your dog in the county. Ugh.  OK fine, maybe we'll do it!! Someone was getting accosted about this when we were leaving, so perfect timing. God I love this little dog. She's my everything. Bugsy came too, he played some and generally enjoyed just hanging out with us. He's not as social; he's also not much of a fetcher. He wants to hang onto the ball and have us try to pry it out of his mouth, but he wants to growl and wag his tail. Sorry pal, not happening. Overall they had a good time and it was worth it.

So tomorrow I'm hoping with the weather supposedly being cooler I'll get to Centennial at 630 or 7p and get around it without dying. That's just my goal. No dying, no hurting myself. I think its a reasonable one.

In other news, the boxes are sitting in the hallway waiting for us to put the Verizon boxes in. Normally no big deal right? Well, it's the 2 boxes from my mom and dad's TV's. I bawled like a baby. I begged to wait until Friday, or when I'm not home. I've watched 34 years of TV with my mom and 35 years of TV with my dad....I know its silly. It's trivial. But holy shit did it hit me like a ton of bricks.
*sigh* Its like ripping 1,000 bandaids one by one. Each one represents an item or article of clothing or something that belonged to them. I'm wearing 1,000 bandaids apparently.

Tomorrow will be better! It just has to be....




                           

A run in the books! Finally!

I knew I would do it eventually. I always have to have my stars aligned, the right mood, the right thoughts. Sometimes the weather has to be right, and tonight it was.

I haven't run since my dad died; I remember the first run after Ruthie died. It was pretty tough. But I was also fresh post-op. This is almost 45 lbs down from February (65 from my highest). I'm trying to remember how in the hell I ran when I was at my highest? I did a few times. It was awful, I remember everything hurting a lot. Not anymore! I have zero pain. My feet don't hurt, my neck is ok, my legs are great, nothing. No back pain! This is good stuff right? 

One thing I struggled with was my breathing pattern. I'm not sure how to adjust that, how to fix that. I get fixated and focused on my music or the people around me on the path and I forget to take a breath   or at least spit or clear my throat. Then I'm in trouble, I'm struggling to get it on track so that my run isn't so hard on my lungs. I think it will get better with time. When its cold out it burns my lungs, so I'm not an outdoors runner in the winter. I'm better when its at least 60-90 degrees out. Gee, maybe thats why I should be living farther south from Maryland?? Anyway, I digress.

Ruthie I ran for you today! I did it! I think it was pretty good.  I downloaded a bunch or new tunes to listen to as well, and they were great. I added a couple of my current upbeat-running appropriate songs to my playlist so that really helped. That and I went the opposite way around the lake thinking it would be easier. Oh hell no, there are hills on that side that are pretty killer. I get tripped up with the  steady inclines. I try to remember that I'm really lucky and blessed to be young enough and able enough to do this. My dad couldn't even walk to the bathroom. He made it through Parris Island but as he got older, his lungs just couldn't handle things. He would tell me "The biggest thing I regret doing is smoking!" I know Daddy, I know. I regret you doing it too, but I'm glad you quit when you found out I was about to be born. Thank God, or you wouldn't have been around the 35 years I got to have you.

It was really crappy earlier this week on July 13 and 14. I cried so much. I was talking to Terri and she said "Who would have thought we would have been so sad and cried THIS much?" She's right. I had no idea what to expect with this. It definitely wasn't the same as February. But thats because we had a parent left, we weren't "orphaned." I'm an orphan now. We 6 kids are orphans, and other then my cousin Kirk who died 2 years ago, there hasn't been a death on either side of my family until this year. 3! Ruthie, her sister Joanie, and my dad.  Its amazing what the heart can take. Its amazing how strong you can be when you have to. 

Watching my brother Mark get up and speak in front of everyone was tremendous. This is a 50 something year old working professional who is organized, in shape, on top of his game, and lives his life to the fullest. He said he couldn't speak when Ruthie died because he was afraid he couldn't even get through a sentence. So when he spoke about my dad, it was awesome. To see him tear him and show the emotion that I know he has in him was something I hadn't witnessed before because we aren't very close. He's very private with a lot of those feelings. He mentioned getting to drive to Maryland from Minnesota to leave their car here and then flew back to Minnesota, and it was his first plane ride. They flew out of DC, because it was the first time he got to see all of these monuments and places he'd only learned about in school. He got to do it, alone, with our dad. How special is that?

Mark also mentioned that when he was beginning his career and my dad was nearing the end of his they would meet for lunch in Tyson's Corner. I remember when I was in elementary school and they would do this; somehow I would hear about this and feel like it was so cool they got to do that. Father and son. It showed a sensitive side of my dad, and if you grew up in our family you knew that was something you cherished because you weren't sure how much or when it would come out. So hearing about it 25 years later at his funeral brought back memories and feelings. 

No matter how much arguing we did, or how hard things seemed with my dad, I always ALWAYS knew that some day he wouldn't be here and there would be loose ends.

There are so many loose ends. But I'm trying not to dwell on them.

I didn't get to say goodbye.

I didn't get to say goodnight.

I didn't cook him his last supper.

I didn't tell him "Screw it, I love you, lets just stay here in the house and forget about those assisted livings!"

I didn't get to show him a new house, a baby, a wedding, a bachelor's degree, a successful career that I was proud of.

I didn't get to hear more personal stories about when he was younger.

I didn't get to sit and watch the Packers play in and win the next Super Bowl.

I didn't get to just say "I love you daddy" one more time.

Not knowing where you stood with your loved one that has passed is really difficult. Its something you have to choose to handle in the best way possible so that it doesn't east you alive inside.

With all of the changes going on right now in my life, I think running is going to help those changes not eat my alive inside. There are soooo many changes too. I never dreamed them, or imagined them would be happening; its crazy, God works in mysterious ways. There's a plan--we don't know it, thats the great mystery. You get to have that loved one in your life, but the trade off is you don't usually know for how long. You expect it to be forever and ever or at least a "long" time. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. Everyone is put here for a reason, even if it's a short time. So make the time count! 

Life is so fleeting.

I want to run a marathon one day, and the reasons why are simple. It means the height of mental and physical well being to run 26.2 miles at one time. I want to get to that point, because at one point recently in my life I felt the weakest mentally and physically. I want to get to the highest point and dedicate it to Ruthie and my dad. What better way then to run in the MCM? Terri did it twice. She was scared, she wasn't sure of herself, but she did it. TWICE.  She's my sister, she's my brave sister, she's the one who takes charge and does what needs be done. She's my role model and she's more then a sister to me. There are times when we fight and I want to scream. But there is no other way I would have it with her.  SO.... MCM it is for this girlie. In about 2 1/2 years! Maybe 2017? haha. 2016 is pretty darn close. 

This is dedicated to the 4 Marines who died in Tennessee this week.
Semper Fi, RIP.
I know this would have really tore my dad up to see on the news too. 

This life is so fleeting...it won't last FOREVER

As I sit here listening to "Amazing Grace" by the Catholic Central Choir, I'm reflecting on the greatness of love I have for my father.  He truly was an amazing person. He was the best dad he knew how to do be, he loved me and expressed it just a little different then some dad's do; there wasn't a lot of "I love you's" thrown around. I would think that if I knew I was going to die soon, I'd pull my kids aside and tell them this. But thats not how he operated.  The next song that perfectly describes the feelings right now is "Just The Way You Are" which I think is a take on the pop song about how beautiful a woman is. Well, to me the words" I love you just the way you are" from the Piano Guys version of this is perfect. I love him just the way he was. I wish as a human, as a daughter, as a person, I could have changed some of my interactions with him at times to make them more pleasant and more kind and compassionate. He drove me nuts at times, but that was because he was feeling uneasy and couldn't express it. He didn't have my mom to "make it all better" or help him feel confident and safe.  I wish I had been more patient at those times. Life is so fleeting, so short. So not worth all of the negativity and the bullshit.

I need to make a point of living for the moment and loving more then criticizing. I need to make a point of being quiet and letting the other person speak, and let it soak in before I respond. I need to make a point of being a better person. I know I can do this, it just takes a little re-training.

And no, I haven't run in I don't know how long. *sigh* Another thing I can retrain my brain to do?

We'll Make Our Home In The American Land

July 4, 2015

Thank you to my ancestors who braved God knows what to come to America. I know on my dad's side, they started coming over in the late 1600's up until the 1800's. My mom's side was all here in the 1800's. Poland, Bohemia, Austria, Germany, all at different times in 19th century. My dad's side I believe is mostly from England, with my maternal grandmother's roots coming from the French area of Canada in the early 1800's I think. I'm currently researching that part of the family tree right now.

With all this being said, I am damn proud to be an American. My day consisted of being the "Queen" of the Pamplona 4th of July Parade. I rode in Mr. Tolson's convertible up and down the street with the kids and neighbors. It was pretty fun :) I dressed like a Disney princess. Then we had a low-key block party/cook out. It was really nice, socialized with the new neighbors a little, my friend's son from the Army was home so we got to talk to him. Played corn hole (and won!) Then Travis and I headed to the lake front for the fireworks. They were wonderful as always. And another one in the book.

One year ago, I had no idea I'd wake up to having to take my mother to the hospital. It was all down hill from there. She got sicker and sicker, and little did I know my dad was too. So once again, I'm remembering these things, these moments, these times from my life and I'm not sure how to feel about them. I know that I miss my dad so f-ing much that it pains my chest at times. I'll just have flashbacks of short conversations we've had; times when I wished I had said more, or less, to him.

Last summer was all about my mother and taking care of her. Not the best summer in terms of fun, but I am glad I got to sit with her and be with her, even if it was the hardest thing in my life I had ever done. Watching your mother in the height of her Alzheimers (before it took over completely) was an experience I can't explain. I remember putting her to bed and saying "Good night I love you, see you in the morning!" And she would respond "Ok honey, love you, see you in the morning?" Totally normal. And it CRUSHES me. Absolutely crushes me. That I had 3 seconds of her old self. Just for 3 seconds. And then the next day, trying to convince my poor dad she needed a nursing home. We had a horrible fight about that.  I know he was just scared. But it just had to happen. Thats a whole other story, not getting into it right now.

So this past year since the last celebration at the Lakefront has been packed with all sorts of drama. I hope that the next 365 days are calmer, or at least get calmer. Work is a shitstorm right now. I'm keeping fingers crossed this week.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Can't I just be a stay at home mom? I would be so damn good at it.

"On the boats and on the planes...they're comin' to America..."

"What is this land America so many travel there
I'm going now while I'm still young my darling meet me there
Wish me luck my lovely I'll send for you when I can
And we'll make our home in the American land..."

With Sympathy...

Sending sympathy and prayers. Thinking of you in the loss of your loved one....

These are the cards that are coming in from friends and family. My sweet aunt sent a check, so that will go to the charity we picked.

*Sigh.*

I have this nagging, anxiety-filled anger inside. I am not experiencing relief, I am experiencing panic. I don't know why, I don't have anything to panic about!! I'm not worrying about my father's well-being anymore because he's safe up in Heaven. So what in the world am I feeling anxiety for??

Selling his house. The house we all grew up in. The house I've been in for just about 30 some years of my life, and for the past 10 months. It's brutal. One of the neighbor's who is still an original to the street spoke at the funeral and said something to the effect that we will always say so and so's house will always be "The McCarthy's" and the same with our house. It will always be "The Eastman's." It will. My parents made this a home. It was headquarters. It was the central location for everything in our lives, and our meeting place. The driveway and the "community" mailbox are within 10 feet of each other, so now it's someone else's "office." It was referred to as my dad's "office"--my mom used this "office" quite a bit too. Thats partially how they socialized with the neighbors.  And pretty soon, all these memories are going to be sealed away. They will be distant, there won't be anymore new ones made. Every time I pull into the driveway now, I look at this house and feel sad. I hope the people that buy it can make it into a home and love it the way my dad did.

And another thing, I didn't run today. I feel like shit for this. I had a horrible charlie horse on my left calf all night and when I woke up. I figured it probably wasn't smart to force myself to run on it and risk screwing it up even more. Tomorrow is a new day. I'll try again tomorrow. The dog's got walked and I went to the local neighborhood pool though. I tidied up the downstairs a little bit, put 4 baskets of clothes away. Thats better then nothing for me. Travis went back to work today, I go back tomorrow night. Just f-ing shoot me. I hate that place. I shouldn't have to feel like that, but I do. Such a long story, for another time.

My Daddy, circa 1948
10/30/30 - 6/14/15
RIP, Love You Always <3