After working on the house today and going through all the file cabinets and finding things that bring back memories it was bound to hit me tonight.
Its Sunday tomorrow, and I'll visit the cemetery and make sure Ruthie is taken care of. I'll play music and probably carry out my ritual. But man, tonight, something really hit me.
Uncle Jerry must be so sad. His football buddy, big brother, and best friend is gone. This will be a sad football season without them discussing the Packers every night from August until January. The pain of not hearing this is...just freaking horrible!! I want to scream! Its so not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR! The phone still rings sometimes; I always immediately think its Uncle Jerry. And I'll here that infamous voice of my dad: "Hello." Followed by a completely different tone: "HI JER!" Like he hasn't talked to him in 5 years. Every night. Every single night. This is no more. It KILLLLLLLLLS me! So I can't even begin to imagine how his little brother, my Uncle Jerry, must feel right now.
But I realize, my dad is needed in Heaven right now. It's not an option--he has to be there. He has to watch over us. He has to protect us and guide us from a different point now. His work down here is done, but its just beginning up there.
I ran just over 10 miles in the past week; walked a ways this morning. I'm chiseling away at the pain slowly but surely. The pain of an uncertain future is still bothering me though. I'm praying my dad can guide my through it.
It is so painful and difficult to go through this and just when I think I can't, I do. I play the music and sing the lyrics or soak in the piano that makes up part of the soundtrack to this process.
"The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace."
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