I knew I would do it eventually. I always have to have my stars aligned, the right mood, the right thoughts. Sometimes the weather has to be right, and tonight it was.
I haven't run since my dad died; I remember the first run after Ruthie died. It was pretty tough. But I was also fresh post-op. This is almost 45 lbs down from February (65 from my highest). I'm trying to remember how in the hell I ran when I was at my highest? I did a few times. It was awful, I remember everything hurting a lot. Not anymore! I have zero pain. My feet don't hurt, my neck is ok, my legs are great, nothing. No back pain! This is good stuff right?
One thing I struggled with was my breathing pattern. I'm not sure how to adjust that, how to fix that. I get fixated and focused on my music or the people around me on the path and I forget to take a breath or at least spit or clear my throat. Then I'm in trouble, I'm struggling to get it on track so that my run isn't so hard on my lungs. I think it will get better with time. When its cold out it burns my lungs, so I'm not an outdoors runner in the winter. I'm better when its at least 60-90 degrees out. Gee, maybe thats why I should be living farther south from Maryland?? Anyway, I digress.
Ruthie I ran for you today! I did it! I think it was pretty good. I downloaded a bunch or new tunes to listen to as well, and they were great. I added a couple of my current upbeat-running appropriate songs to my playlist so that really helped. That and I went the opposite way around the lake thinking it would be easier. Oh hell no, there are hills on that side that are pretty killer. I get tripped up with the steady inclines. I try to remember that I'm really lucky and blessed to be young enough and able enough to do this. My dad couldn't even walk to the bathroom. He made it through Parris Island but as he got older, his lungs just couldn't handle things. He would tell me "The biggest thing I regret doing is smoking!" I know Daddy, I know. I regret you doing it too, but I'm glad you quit when you found out I was about to be born. Thank God, or you wouldn't have been around the 35 years I got to have you.
It was really crappy earlier this week on July 13 and 14. I cried so much. I was talking to Terri and she said "Who would have thought we would have been so sad and cried THIS much?" She's right. I had no idea what to expect with this. It definitely wasn't the same as February. But thats because we had a parent left, we weren't "orphaned." I'm an orphan now. We 6 kids are orphans, and other then my cousin Kirk who died 2 years ago, there hasn't been a death on either side of my family until this year. 3! Ruthie, her sister Joanie, and my dad. Its amazing what the heart can take. Its amazing how strong you can be when you have to.
Watching my brother Mark get up and speak in front of everyone was tremendous. This is a 50 something year old working professional who is organized, in shape, on top of his game, and lives his life to the fullest. He said he couldn't speak when Ruthie died because he was afraid he couldn't even get through a sentence. So when he spoke about my dad, it was awesome. To see him tear him and show the emotion that I know he has in him was something I hadn't witnessed before because we aren't very close. He's very private with a lot of those feelings. He mentioned getting to drive to Maryland from Minnesota to leave their car here and then flew back to Minnesota, and it was his first plane ride. They flew out of DC, because it was the first time he got to see all of these monuments and places he'd only learned about in school. He got to do it, alone, with our dad. How special is that?
Mark also mentioned that when he was beginning his career and my dad was nearing the end of his they would meet for lunch in Tyson's Corner. I remember when I was in elementary school and they would do this; somehow I would hear about this and feel like it was so cool they got to do that. Father and son. It showed a sensitive side of my dad, and if you grew up in our family you knew that was something you cherished because you weren't sure how much or when it would come out. So hearing about it 25 years later at his funeral brought back memories and feelings.
No matter how much arguing we did, or how hard things seemed with my dad, I always ALWAYS knew that some day he wouldn't be here and there would be loose ends.
There are so many loose ends. But I'm trying not to dwell on them.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I didn't get to say goodnight.
I didn't cook him his last supper.
I didn't tell him "Screw it, I love you, lets just stay here in the house and forget about those assisted livings!"
I didn't get to show him a new house, a baby, a wedding, a bachelor's degree, a successful career that I was proud of.
I didn't get to hear more personal stories about when he was younger.
I didn't get to sit and watch the Packers play in and win the next Super Bowl.
I didn't get to just say "I love you daddy" one more time.
Not knowing where you stood with your loved one that has passed is really difficult. Its something you have to choose to handle in the best way possible so that it doesn't east you alive inside.
With all of the changes going on right now in my life, I think running is going to help those changes not eat my alive inside. There are soooo many changes too. I never dreamed them, or imagined them would be happening; its crazy, God works in mysterious ways. There's a plan--we don't know it, thats the great mystery. You get to have that loved one in your life, but the trade off is you don't usually know for how long. You expect it to be forever and ever or at least a "long" time. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. Everyone is put here for a reason, even if it's a short time. So make the time count!
Life is so fleeting.
I want to run a marathon one day, and the reasons why are simple. It means the height of mental and physical well being to run 26.2 miles at one time. I want to get to that point, because at one point recently in my life I felt the weakest mentally and physically. I want to get to the highest point and dedicate it to Ruthie and my dad. What better way then to run in the MCM? Terri did it twice. She was scared, she wasn't sure of herself, but she did it. TWICE. She's my sister, she's my brave sister, she's the one who takes charge and does what needs be done. She's my role model and she's more then a sister to me. There are times when we fight and I want to scream. But there is no other way I would have it with her. SO.... MCM it is for this girlie. In about 2 1/2 years! Maybe 2017? haha. 2016 is pretty darn close.
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| This is dedicated to the 4 Marines who died in Tennessee this week. Semper Fi, RIP. I know this would have really tore my dad up to see on the news too. |
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