This life is so fleeting...it won't last FOREVER

As I sit here listening to "Amazing Grace" by the Catholic Central Choir, I'm reflecting on the greatness of love I have for my father.  He truly was an amazing person. He was the best dad he knew how to do be, he loved me and expressed it just a little different then some dad's do; there wasn't a lot of "I love you's" thrown around. I would think that if I knew I was going to die soon, I'd pull my kids aside and tell them this. But thats not how he operated.  The next song that perfectly describes the feelings right now is "Just The Way You Are" which I think is a take on the pop song about how beautiful a woman is. Well, to me the words" I love you just the way you are" from the Piano Guys version of this is perfect. I love him just the way he was. I wish as a human, as a daughter, as a person, I could have changed some of my interactions with him at times to make them more pleasant and more kind and compassionate. He drove me nuts at times, but that was because he was feeling uneasy and couldn't express it. He didn't have my mom to "make it all better" or help him feel confident and safe.  I wish I had been more patient at those times. Life is so fleeting, so short. So not worth all of the negativity and the bullshit.

I need to make a point of living for the moment and loving more then criticizing. I need to make a point of being quiet and letting the other person speak, and let it soak in before I respond. I need to make a point of being a better person. I know I can do this, it just takes a little re-training.

And no, I haven't run in I don't know how long. *sigh* Another thing I can retrain my brain to do?

We'll Make Our Home In The American Land

July 4, 2015

Thank you to my ancestors who braved God knows what to come to America. I know on my dad's side, they started coming over in the late 1600's up until the 1800's. My mom's side was all here in the 1800's. Poland, Bohemia, Austria, Germany, all at different times in 19th century. My dad's side I believe is mostly from England, with my maternal grandmother's roots coming from the French area of Canada in the early 1800's I think. I'm currently researching that part of the family tree right now.

With all this being said, I am damn proud to be an American. My day consisted of being the "Queen" of the Pamplona 4th of July Parade. I rode in Mr. Tolson's convertible up and down the street with the kids and neighbors. It was pretty fun :) I dressed like a Disney princess. Then we had a low-key block party/cook out. It was really nice, socialized with the new neighbors a little, my friend's son from the Army was home so we got to talk to him. Played corn hole (and won!) Then Travis and I headed to the lake front for the fireworks. They were wonderful as always. And another one in the book.

One year ago, I had no idea I'd wake up to having to take my mother to the hospital. It was all down hill from there. She got sicker and sicker, and little did I know my dad was too. So once again, I'm remembering these things, these moments, these times from my life and I'm not sure how to feel about them. I know that I miss my dad so f-ing much that it pains my chest at times. I'll just have flashbacks of short conversations we've had; times when I wished I had said more, or less, to him.

Last summer was all about my mother and taking care of her. Not the best summer in terms of fun, but I am glad I got to sit with her and be with her, even if it was the hardest thing in my life I had ever done. Watching your mother in the height of her Alzheimers (before it took over completely) was an experience I can't explain. I remember putting her to bed and saying "Good night I love you, see you in the morning!" And she would respond "Ok honey, love you, see you in the morning?" Totally normal. And it CRUSHES me. Absolutely crushes me. That I had 3 seconds of her old self. Just for 3 seconds. And then the next day, trying to convince my poor dad she needed a nursing home. We had a horrible fight about that.  I know he was just scared. But it just had to happen. Thats a whole other story, not getting into it right now.

So this past year since the last celebration at the Lakefront has been packed with all sorts of drama. I hope that the next 365 days are calmer, or at least get calmer. Work is a shitstorm right now. I'm keeping fingers crossed this week.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Can't I just be a stay at home mom? I would be so damn good at it.

"On the boats and on the planes...they're comin' to America..."

"What is this land America so many travel there
I'm going now while I'm still young my darling meet me there
Wish me luck my lovely I'll send for you when I can
And we'll make our home in the American land..."

With Sympathy...

Sending sympathy and prayers. Thinking of you in the loss of your loved one....

These are the cards that are coming in from friends and family. My sweet aunt sent a check, so that will go to the charity we picked.

*Sigh.*

I have this nagging, anxiety-filled anger inside. I am not experiencing relief, I am experiencing panic. I don't know why, I don't have anything to panic about!! I'm not worrying about my father's well-being anymore because he's safe up in Heaven. So what in the world am I feeling anxiety for??

Selling his house. The house we all grew up in. The house I've been in for just about 30 some years of my life, and for the past 10 months. It's brutal. One of the neighbor's who is still an original to the street spoke at the funeral and said something to the effect that we will always say so and so's house will always be "The McCarthy's" and the same with our house. It will always be "The Eastman's." It will. My parents made this a home. It was headquarters. It was the central location for everything in our lives, and our meeting place. The driveway and the "community" mailbox are within 10 feet of each other, so now it's someone else's "office." It was referred to as my dad's "office"--my mom used this "office" quite a bit too. Thats partially how they socialized with the neighbors.  And pretty soon, all these memories are going to be sealed away. They will be distant, there won't be anymore new ones made. Every time I pull into the driveway now, I look at this house and feel sad. I hope the people that buy it can make it into a home and love it the way my dad did.

And another thing, I didn't run today. I feel like shit for this. I had a horrible charlie horse on my left calf all night and when I woke up. I figured it probably wasn't smart to force myself to run on it and risk screwing it up even more. Tomorrow is a new day. I'll try again tomorrow. The dog's got walked and I went to the local neighborhood pool though. I tidied up the downstairs a little bit, put 4 baskets of clothes away. Thats better then nothing for me. Travis went back to work today, I go back tomorrow night. Just f-ing shoot me. I hate that place. I shouldn't have to feel like that, but I do. Such a long story, for another time.

My Daddy, circa 1948
10/30/30 - 6/14/15
RIP, Love You Always <3

Celebrating My Dad's Life

My family, minus a few people who where there, for my Daddy's funeral.
Mary, Mike, Terri, Mark, Andrea K, Ann, Kenny, Kelly, me, Travis.

Yesterday was my Daddy's funeral. Life Celebration more like, because we really celebrated his life through stories and memories. 8 of us family members spoke, plus my Aunt Susie and 3 or 4 neighbors.  The music we played in between our readings was beautiful, Terri and I picked it all out and arranged it. "The Piano Guys," Echo Taps, Marine Corps Hymn, and my personal pick "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. Ever since I heard that song as a teenager, it reminded me of my relationship with my Dad. Instantly. I remember where I first heard it too, walking my sheltie Duncan on the bike path by my house, listening to my yellow Sony walkman. It was actually Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins covering it, so the Stevie Nicks version came right after as soon as I could buy the CD.  I can't believe the day came and went and I played the song for him.  When you're 14, you have no clue about  death (usually) and I certainly didn't think that my Dad would die in June 2015.  Not one single inkling. But I always remembered that song, and it was nice to hear it for my Dad.

Let me just say a few things concerning my father and our relationship. It has always been very intense. His emotional side and my emotional side were either exactly the same or totally opposite depending on how you look at it. I just never could get the timing right on it! He was mad at me,  I'd be crying, I'd be mad at him and he was crying, or we'd be happy together. Or worrying together. Something he would do more of then me. Any who, the last time I told him I loved him was about 3 days after he got out of Lorien Rehab, and we were shouting at each other. I felt like it went in one ear and out the other, and didn't register. I HOPE IT DID.  I don't recall the last time he said it to me or even signed a card "Love Daddy" like he used to.  I know he loved me, but there's a difference between knowing it and hearing it.  Well I loved him very much, or why would I do all of the things I did for him? Thats how I look at it. If I didn't love my Dad so fiercely, I wouldn't have moved into his house to take care of him and be his caretaker and help him and do everything I've physically and mentally done for him. Someone has to love their parent to do that. So I know in my heart I loved my Dad more then anyone will ever know. Just like I loved my Mom more then anyone will ever know. i still love them both obviously; that however, never dies.

Now we have to move out of the house.  :(  I am going to be much more emotional then I ever imagined because I see the amount of love my Dad had for his house. I didn't think it would be hard, but I can feel it coming on. I sat at his desk tonight and when I clicked on Internet Explorer his email automatically opens. OMG. I cried. I loved that he was on email, online, and had a computer. Travis helped him build that computer too. He bought me my MacBookPro that I'm typing on now. If this thing ever dies I don't know what I'll do! It was the most special material thing he has ever bought me. But seeing his yahoo account was so precious to me, he didn't use it much recently, but seeing the  various things pop up in was almost too much for me.  I feel like I want to keep it forever.

Annnnnnd tomorrow starts off going back to the gym. I need to refocus on myself and what the purpose of my weight loss surgery was. I need to journal this stuff every day. I need daily reminders of what the hell I'm supposed to do and why. I'm just not focused, and wasn't because of all the stress I was experiencing recently.  But I have to now, and I really don't have any excuses. I need to do this to help feel better. So, onward with the running tomorrow. Oh god is going to suck and hurt!!!
If I could get my ass up early and do it I would, but I know myself. I will attempt and fail lol so use the $67 a month gym membership and run there.

"Just one last chance, I wish I could get to hug you. Then I would hold you tight and never let go. I miss you dad." ~Unknown. Although I could have said this tonight.

Not the day I had planned...

I had a whole plan in my head of how I wanted the day to go, and that sort of got thrown out the window. I wanted to get up at 7, but I was exhausted. Didn't sleep well, had weird dreams and woke up a lot. The black dog, Bugsy, who is also 80 lbs of fuzz, decided to sleep in our bed.

Around noon my sister was supposed to come over and help me with my little project for my dad's funeral, but I had a feeling she didn't want to do, which in its self is sort of a downer. Not going to lie--I was looking forward to doing it with her. I was pissed because Travis wasn't going to work, and without work, we don't get paid. Then the locating a Priest task kept getting pushed on me and I just didn't feel like doing it especially when the funeral home kept communicating with my brother about it. Too many people trying to do one task is not good.

So then my sister and I end up in a fight because she didn't want me picking up my Aunt Susie, she wanted the supper on Sunday to start at 3, and so on and so forth. I felt like I was being told what to do, and by someone who isn't planning it, isn't helping with it, and really shouldn't worry about it. Bring the food and thats all I requested. So that ended poorly. She stomped out in a blaze of cussing. So I went to visit my mom's grave, check on the flowers, which were all dead obviously. I threw out the icky stuff and left the roses Darcy sent us. The whole time, about 50 feet way they were burying a casket. SO LOUD. That didn't help. But I'm glad I went and saw the marker. Seeing the marker is the closest thing I have to seeing her.

So after some heated discussion with Travis when I came home, we had some things accomplished. All of the info turned into the guy who's helping us prep for getting a mortgage loan. Then we went and ate dinner. Came home and tackled the living rooms and part of the kitchen as far as cleaning and organizing. By 930 I was ready to quit. There's more to do tomorrow. Lots of mopping, the floor needs it. Dusting. Getting some seating set up. I need to do my mini project. I also need to write my speech. So no rest for the weary.

If we can get into this new development and build a house, I will be thrilled. It will be awesome. I'm not counting chickens until they hatch, it may not be the time or house for us. There's 100 more. I need to focus on finding a new job and thats not easy feat.  If I could just sell houses or wedding dresses wouldn't life be simpler? :0)

So to sum this day up, there was no running like I wanted to. I think its supposed to rain tomorrow but I'll check, maybe I can try again. Ruthie, I will run for you soon I promise.

VGS Update

While I'm thinking about it, let me update the VGS situation. I have an appt. in about 2 months, I'd like to lose 10 lbs by then. Thats not much, but I'd be happy with that. I feel better as in I'm not exhausted when I walk, or move around. I have had so much stress lately that this has really helped--taking fat off and looking forward to the new clothes has really gotten me through the past 5 months.

People ask me what my goal is, and I don't have a set one---a size 6 would be nice. An 8 would be great. I settle for 140's. If its lower, super awesome. If not, then no worries. So I've got some work to do, and there's plenty of time to do it now....

I'm down to 193lbs from 230lbs at surgery,  2/20-6/18/15

PRE:                                      POST           

40H Bra                           36G/36DDDD

XXL or XL top                   M/L or XL depending on the cut or store

16 or 18                             12 or 14  (16 for shorts because I don't like them tight on my thighs)

Calf size: 21"                    16.5"

Shoe size 9                        8 or 8.5

Plus Size section                NORMAL SIZE SECTION! HERE COMES THE DEBT!

I eat (obviously) way less food. I don't always eat super healthy or full of the protein I need, I'll be the first to admit that. And I certainly don't have a consistent routine with exercise. Thats killing my progress right now. And thats why the name of this website should be motivating me.  

Before Pics: 

 May 26, 2015

Macy's Dressing room, buying size 14 dress pants 

Wearing my teeny tiny sized Red Sox shirt,
size 16 Old navy skinny jeans that are actually too big

5/13/15

Target Dressing room

Size L dress

Aunt Joan's wake, 5/28/15
Size 14 dress pants and size XL Lauren Conrad top

Sept 2013 Camden Yards,
size 18 and XXL shirt

2007, Rhode Island

240lbs...Lane Bryant sweater

Spring 2007 at Fenway Park

235lbs

XXL jacket

2/20/15: Before we walked out the door for surgery,
228 lbs that day at weigh in. JUST UGHH. Sooo much
fat! Couldn't hardly fit into the leggings, that pink sports
bra fits me perfect now.

PRE- OP with Dr. Dovec

About 2 weeks post-op

2/20 vs. 5/7, not a huge abdominal difference
from this angle, but I know there is. Especially up
top and my legs.

Another Loss--Another Person To Run For

I'll just skip to it--my dad died last Sunday, June 14, 2015. 2 days after we buried my mother's ashes at the Veteran's Cemetery.  I'll write the details surrounding in a later post, because I do want to remember these feelings but at the moment it's not going to happen. So sad. So mad. So many feelings, nothing like when my mom died.  I have good hours of the day, and then there will be an hour or 2 of that anxiety and sadness tugging on my heart, then I'll just sob. Which then makes Travis sob. And then I have to go take an Ativan.

So there's a lot of things that have to happen before Monday's service--I have my mini picture boards I'm doing, I have to write my "speech," I have to clean the house and prepare for the family to come over, I have to iron clothes and get another dog's nails cut. Take the stuff to Witzke's to set up on Monday; that sort of stuff. I was supposed to work those 2 coming nights but I just can't. I don't have it in me. I'm in my PJ's now, I think I'd like to read my new Elin Hilderbrand book and enjoy the Ativan so I can get up early tomorrow and get a good day's work in.

I get to see Ann, only for 3 days, Aunt B.A. and her son Troy, and Aunt Susie and Uncle John.  I had the pleasure of seeing my mom's side of the family for Aunt Joan's funeral last month in California. It was sad to bury her, she died of the same retched Alzheimer's that Ruthie had. She has a son named Troy too, and he took very good care of her. Her other daughter, Darcy, lives in CA so it wasn't easy for her to be there as much as she wanted to. I love them both dearly. Darcy has been very sweet to me, and I'm so glad I have rekindled our cousin relationship. Same with Krista, my Uncle David's daughter. She was my mom's God-daughter, and I didn't even know that.

Anyway, I digress.

I'm happy to see family, sick of seeing them only at funerals.

I miss my Daddy something awful. Terrible.  Gut-wrenching. Sick to my stomach miss him type.
*sigh* Life is so short and fleeting, I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I'd be such a better daughter. Not that I was bad, but I'd do an even better job.

This is from 6/12/15, my mother's burial service at Garrison Forest Veteran's Cemetery. Terri handed him my mother's urn to see one last time before we buried her. Travis is in the background. He's numb, I can tell. His body is shutting down. He's mentally checking out. I just didn't realize it at the time.

I love you Daddy!