Celebrating My Dad's Life

My family, minus a few people who where there, for my Daddy's funeral.
Mary, Mike, Terri, Mark, Andrea K, Ann, Kenny, Kelly, me, Travis.

Yesterday was my Daddy's funeral. Life Celebration more like, because we really celebrated his life through stories and memories. 8 of us family members spoke, plus my Aunt Susie and 3 or 4 neighbors.  The music we played in between our readings was beautiful, Terri and I picked it all out and arranged it. "The Piano Guys," Echo Taps, Marine Corps Hymn, and my personal pick "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. Ever since I heard that song as a teenager, it reminded me of my relationship with my Dad. Instantly. I remember where I first heard it too, walking my sheltie Duncan on the bike path by my house, listening to my yellow Sony walkman. It was actually Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins covering it, so the Stevie Nicks version came right after as soon as I could buy the CD.  I can't believe the day came and went and I played the song for him.  When you're 14, you have no clue about  death (usually) and I certainly didn't think that my Dad would die in June 2015.  Not one single inkling. But I always remembered that song, and it was nice to hear it for my Dad.

Let me just say a few things concerning my father and our relationship. It has always been very intense. His emotional side and my emotional side were either exactly the same or totally opposite depending on how you look at it. I just never could get the timing right on it! He was mad at me,  I'd be crying, I'd be mad at him and he was crying, or we'd be happy together. Or worrying together. Something he would do more of then me. Any who, the last time I told him I loved him was about 3 days after he got out of Lorien Rehab, and we were shouting at each other. I felt like it went in one ear and out the other, and didn't register. I HOPE IT DID.  I don't recall the last time he said it to me or even signed a card "Love Daddy" like he used to.  I know he loved me, but there's a difference between knowing it and hearing it.  Well I loved him very much, or why would I do all of the things I did for him? Thats how I look at it. If I didn't love my Dad so fiercely, I wouldn't have moved into his house to take care of him and be his caretaker and help him and do everything I've physically and mentally done for him. Someone has to love their parent to do that. So I know in my heart I loved my Dad more then anyone will ever know. Just like I loved my Mom more then anyone will ever know. i still love them both obviously; that however, never dies.

Now we have to move out of the house.  :(  I am going to be much more emotional then I ever imagined because I see the amount of love my Dad had for his house. I didn't think it would be hard, but I can feel it coming on. I sat at his desk tonight and when I clicked on Internet Explorer his email automatically opens. OMG. I cried. I loved that he was on email, online, and had a computer. Travis helped him build that computer too. He bought me my MacBookPro that I'm typing on now. If this thing ever dies I don't know what I'll do! It was the most special material thing he has ever bought me. But seeing his yahoo account was so precious to me, he didn't use it much recently, but seeing the  various things pop up in was almost too much for me.  I feel like I want to keep it forever.

Annnnnnd tomorrow starts off going back to the gym. I need to refocus on myself and what the purpose of my weight loss surgery was. I need to journal this stuff every day. I need daily reminders of what the hell I'm supposed to do and why. I'm just not focused, and wasn't because of all the stress I was experiencing recently.  But I have to now, and I really don't have any excuses. I need to do this to help feel better. So, onward with the running tomorrow. Oh god is going to suck and hurt!!!
If I could get my ass up early and do it I would, but I know myself. I will attempt and fail lol so use the $67 a month gym membership and run there.

"Just one last chance, I wish I could get to hug you. Then I would hold you tight and never let go. I miss you dad." ~Unknown. Although I could have said this tonight.