With Sympathy...

Sending sympathy and prayers. Thinking of you in the loss of your loved one....

These are the cards that are coming in from friends and family. My sweet aunt sent a check, so that will go to the charity we picked.

*Sigh.*

I have this nagging, anxiety-filled anger inside. I am not experiencing relief, I am experiencing panic. I don't know why, I don't have anything to panic about!! I'm not worrying about my father's well-being anymore because he's safe up in Heaven. So what in the world am I feeling anxiety for??

Selling his house. The house we all grew up in. The house I've been in for just about 30 some years of my life, and for the past 10 months. It's brutal. One of the neighbor's who is still an original to the street spoke at the funeral and said something to the effect that we will always say so and so's house will always be "The McCarthy's" and the same with our house. It will always be "The Eastman's." It will. My parents made this a home. It was headquarters. It was the central location for everything in our lives, and our meeting place. The driveway and the "community" mailbox are within 10 feet of each other, so now it's someone else's "office." It was referred to as my dad's "office"--my mom used this "office" quite a bit too. Thats partially how they socialized with the neighbors.  And pretty soon, all these memories are going to be sealed away. They will be distant, there won't be anymore new ones made. Every time I pull into the driveway now, I look at this house and feel sad. I hope the people that buy it can make it into a home and love it the way my dad did.

And another thing, I didn't run today. I feel like shit for this. I had a horrible charlie horse on my left calf all night and when I woke up. I figured it probably wasn't smart to force myself to run on it and risk screwing it up even more. Tomorrow is a new day. I'll try again tomorrow. The dog's got walked and I went to the local neighborhood pool though. I tidied up the downstairs a little bit, put 4 baskets of clothes away. Thats better then nothing for me. Travis went back to work today, I go back tomorrow night. Just f-ing shoot me. I hate that place. I shouldn't have to feel like that, but I do. Such a long story, for another time.

My Daddy, circa 1948
10/30/30 - 6/14/15
RIP, Love You Always <3

Celebrating My Dad's Life

My family, minus a few people who where there, for my Daddy's funeral.
Mary, Mike, Terri, Mark, Andrea K, Ann, Kenny, Kelly, me, Travis.

Yesterday was my Daddy's funeral. Life Celebration more like, because we really celebrated his life through stories and memories. 8 of us family members spoke, plus my Aunt Susie and 3 or 4 neighbors.  The music we played in between our readings was beautiful, Terri and I picked it all out and arranged it. "The Piano Guys," Echo Taps, Marine Corps Hymn, and my personal pick "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. Ever since I heard that song as a teenager, it reminded me of my relationship with my Dad. Instantly. I remember where I first heard it too, walking my sheltie Duncan on the bike path by my house, listening to my yellow Sony walkman. It was actually Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins covering it, so the Stevie Nicks version came right after as soon as I could buy the CD.  I can't believe the day came and went and I played the song for him.  When you're 14, you have no clue about  death (usually) and I certainly didn't think that my Dad would die in June 2015.  Not one single inkling. But I always remembered that song, and it was nice to hear it for my Dad.

Let me just say a few things concerning my father and our relationship. It has always been very intense. His emotional side and my emotional side were either exactly the same or totally opposite depending on how you look at it. I just never could get the timing right on it! He was mad at me,  I'd be crying, I'd be mad at him and he was crying, or we'd be happy together. Or worrying together. Something he would do more of then me. Any who, the last time I told him I loved him was about 3 days after he got out of Lorien Rehab, and we were shouting at each other. I felt like it went in one ear and out the other, and didn't register. I HOPE IT DID.  I don't recall the last time he said it to me or even signed a card "Love Daddy" like he used to.  I know he loved me, but there's a difference between knowing it and hearing it.  Well I loved him very much, or why would I do all of the things I did for him? Thats how I look at it. If I didn't love my Dad so fiercely, I wouldn't have moved into his house to take care of him and be his caretaker and help him and do everything I've physically and mentally done for him. Someone has to love their parent to do that. So I know in my heart I loved my Dad more then anyone will ever know. Just like I loved my Mom more then anyone will ever know. i still love them both obviously; that however, never dies.

Now we have to move out of the house.  :(  I am going to be much more emotional then I ever imagined because I see the amount of love my Dad had for his house. I didn't think it would be hard, but I can feel it coming on. I sat at his desk tonight and when I clicked on Internet Explorer his email automatically opens. OMG. I cried. I loved that he was on email, online, and had a computer. Travis helped him build that computer too. He bought me my MacBookPro that I'm typing on now. If this thing ever dies I don't know what I'll do! It was the most special material thing he has ever bought me. But seeing his yahoo account was so precious to me, he didn't use it much recently, but seeing the  various things pop up in was almost too much for me.  I feel like I want to keep it forever.

Annnnnnd tomorrow starts off going back to the gym. I need to refocus on myself and what the purpose of my weight loss surgery was. I need to journal this stuff every day. I need daily reminders of what the hell I'm supposed to do and why. I'm just not focused, and wasn't because of all the stress I was experiencing recently.  But I have to now, and I really don't have any excuses. I need to do this to help feel better. So, onward with the running tomorrow. Oh god is going to suck and hurt!!!
If I could get my ass up early and do it I would, but I know myself. I will attempt and fail lol so use the $67 a month gym membership and run there.

"Just one last chance, I wish I could get to hug you. Then I would hold you tight and never let go. I miss you dad." ~Unknown. Although I could have said this tonight.

Not the day I had planned...

I had a whole plan in my head of how I wanted the day to go, and that sort of got thrown out the window. I wanted to get up at 7, but I was exhausted. Didn't sleep well, had weird dreams and woke up a lot. The black dog, Bugsy, who is also 80 lbs of fuzz, decided to sleep in our bed.

Around noon my sister was supposed to come over and help me with my little project for my dad's funeral, but I had a feeling she didn't want to do, which in its self is sort of a downer. Not going to lie--I was looking forward to doing it with her. I was pissed because Travis wasn't going to work, and without work, we don't get paid. Then the locating a Priest task kept getting pushed on me and I just didn't feel like doing it especially when the funeral home kept communicating with my brother about it. Too many people trying to do one task is not good.

So then my sister and I end up in a fight because she didn't want me picking up my Aunt Susie, she wanted the supper on Sunday to start at 3, and so on and so forth. I felt like I was being told what to do, and by someone who isn't planning it, isn't helping with it, and really shouldn't worry about it. Bring the food and thats all I requested. So that ended poorly. She stomped out in a blaze of cussing. So I went to visit my mom's grave, check on the flowers, which were all dead obviously. I threw out the icky stuff and left the roses Darcy sent us. The whole time, about 50 feet way they were burying a casket. SO LOUD. That didn't help. But I'm glad I went and saw the marker. Seeing the marker is the closest thing I have to seeing her.

So after some heated discussion with Travis when I came home, we had some things accomplished. All of the info turned into the guy who's helping us prep for getting a mortgage loan. Then we went and ate dinner. Came home and tackled the living rooms and part of the kitchen as far as cleaning and organizing. By 930 I was ready to quit. There's more to do tomorrow. Lots of mopping, the floor needs it. Dusting. Getting some seating set up. I need to do my mini project. I also need to write my speech. So no rest for the weary.

If we can get into this new development and build a house, I will be thrilled. It will be awesome. I'm not counting chickens until they hatch, it may not be the time or house for us. There's 100 more. I need to focus on finding a new job and thats not easy feat.  If I could just sell houses or wedding dresses wouldn't life be simpler? :0)

So to sum this day up, there was no running like I wanted to. I think its supposed to rain tomorrow but I'll check, maybe I can try again. Ruthie, I will run for you soon I promise.

VGS Update

While I'm thinking about it, let me update the VGS situation. I have an appt. in about 2 months, I'd like to lose 10 lbs by then. Thats not much, but I'd be happy with that. I feel better as in I'm not exhausted when I walk, or move around. I have had so much stress lately that this has really helped--taking fat off and looking forward to the new clothes has really gotten me through the past 5 months.

People ask me what my goal is, and I don't have a set one---a size 6 would be nice. An 8 would be great. I settle for 140's. If its lower, super awesome. If not, then no worries. So I've got some work to do, and there's plenty of time to do it now....

I'm down to 193lbs from 230lbs at surgery,  2/20-6/18/15

PRE:                                      POST           

40H Bra                           36G/36DDDD

XXL or XL top                   M/L or XL depending on the cut or store

16 or 18                             12 or 14  (16 for shorts because I don't like them tight on my thighs)

Calf size: 21"                    16.5"

Shoe size 9                        8 or 8.5

Plus Size section                NORMAL SIZE SECTION! HERE COMES THE DEBT!

I eat (obviously) way less food. I don't always eat super healthy or full of the protein I need, I'll be the first to admit that. And I certainly don't have a consistent routine with exercise. Thats killing my progress right now. And thats why the name of this website should be motivating me.  

Before Pics: 

 May 26, 2015

Macy's Dressing room, buying size 14 dress pants 

Wearing my teeny tiny sized Red Sox shirt,
size 16 Old navy skinny jeans that are actually too big

5/13/15

Target Dressing room

Size L dress

Aunt Joan's wake, 5/28/15
Size 14 dress pants and size XL Lauren Conrad top

Sept 2013 Camden Yards,
size 18 and XXL shirt

2007, Rhode Island

240lbs...Lane Bryant sweater

Spring 2007 at Fenway Park

235lbs

XXL jacket

2/20/15: Before we walked out the door for surgery,
228 lbs that day at weigh in. JUST UGHH. Sooo much
fat! Couldn't hardly fit into the leggings, that pink sports
bra fits me perfect now.

PRE- OP with Dr. Dovec

About 2 weeks post-op

2/20 vs. 5/7, not a huge abdominal difference
from this angle, but I know there is. Especially up
top and my legs.

Another Loss--Another Person To Run For

I'll just skip to it--my dad died last Sunday, June 14, 2015. 2 days after we buried my mother's ashes at the Veteran's Cemetery.  I'll write the details surrounding in a later post, because I do want to remember these feelings but at the moment it's not going to happen. So sad. So mad. So many feelings, nothing like when my mom died.  I have good hours of the day, and then there will be an hour or 2 of that anxiety and sadness tugging on my heart, then I'll just sob. Which then makes Travis sob. And then I have to go take an Ativan.

So there's a lot of things that have to happen before Monday's service--I have my mini picture boards I'm doing, I have to write my "speech," I have to clean the house and prepare for the family to come over, I have to iron clothes and get another dog's nails cut. Take the stuff to Witzke's to set up on Monday; that sort of stuff. I was supposed to work those 2 coming nights but I just can't. I don't have it in me. I'm in my PJ's now, I think I'd like to read my new Elin Hilderbrand book and enjoy the Ativan so I can get up early tomorrow and get a good day's work in.

I get to see Ann, only for 3 days, Aunt B.A. and her son Troy, and Aunt Susie and Uncle John.  I had the pleasure of seeing my mom's side of the family for Aunt Joan's funeral last month in California. It was sad to bury her, she died of the same retched Alzheimer's that Ruthie had. She has a son named Troy too, and he took very good care of her. Her other daughter, Darcy, lives in CA so it wasn't easy for her to be there as much as she wanted to. I love them both dearly. Darcy has been very sweet to me, and I'm so glad I have rekindled our cousin relationship. Same with Krista, my Uncle David's daughter. She was my mom's God-daughter, and I didn't even know that.

Anyway, I digress.

I'm happy to see family, sick of seeing them only at funerals.

I miss my Daddy something awful. Terrible.  Gut-wrenching. Sick to my stomach miss him type.
*sigh* Life is so short and fleeting, I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I'd be such a better daughter. Not that I was bad, but I'd do an even better job.

This is from 6/12/15, my mother's burial service at Garrison Forest Veteran's Cemetery. Terri handed him my mother's urn to see one last time before we buried her. Travis is in the background. He's numb, I can tell. His body is shutting down. He's mentally checking out. I just didn't realize it at the time.

I love you Daddy!

Its All Forward Going From Here (March 2015)

March is here. I'm pretty happy about that.

February sucked.

February 7, 2015 I turned 35 at 8:26pm. My mother died the following day at 2:20pm. I was rushing back into the room after getting a call from my brother Mike saying "I think it just happened." Travis and I had gone to get food for everyone. It was a downward spiral into the reality that my mom was really truly no longer with us. I was now at that point motherless. She was pulled up to Heaven and could now look down on us. I'm hoping this is the case because its the only thing that comforts me is knowing she is watching. I was talking to her today on my jog, asking her to push me up the hills and give me the physical strength to do it. I think she threw me a bone and helped because I did make it up most of them. 

Today the sky was light blue with a few white fluffy clouds, I knew she was up there watching all of us. I mean, she's got 6 kids, 2 grand daughters and a husband to sit and watch. I think when its raining and cloudy she spends her time with the other friends and family that have passed away. This is what I tell myself because if I don't, I'll just cry all the time.

If there was something I could tell her right now, I'd tell her this:

"I'm so mad this disease took you! I freaking hate it! It shouldn't have happened to you!! I needed you here on Earth, I have so much more life left! I need to have you with me when I get married or I have babies or I have questions! Don't you wish you could be here for that? I sure do!"

I don't mean it to sound like I'm mad at her, I'm just mad at this disease. Its not her fault by any means. She sure as hell didn't ask for something to rob her of her mind and body. Poor sweet Ruthie. 

I wish that I would have talked to her more 10-15 years ago, and I wish that I would have been able to remember the things we talked about. I remember some, but very little. I'm so stuck in the past 4-5 years of her illness that I forget what she was like when I was a younger adult. 

Anywho. There a days at a time where I cry every day because I miss her. Sometimes a day will sneak in and I won't cry. But because I live in her house, there are still many reminders of her; her things are still in the bedroom where I store my clothes too. I see her name on mail still, I have things constantly reminded me of her. Especially since we have things leftover from the funeral in the living; I still have the big pink carnation heart that we displayed next to the table her urn was on at her service. I can't bring myself to throw it out yet even though its dead.  My dad is still trying to get the check from the various life insurance companies so he can get all his money straightened out after paying for the funeral service.

In June, we have the gravesite memorial with Taps and I'm hoping I can find a piper to add into the ceremony. 

In order for me to feel like we are keeping her memory alive, I want to organize a 5k run. The name would of course be "Ruthie's Run" and the proceeds would go to ALZ society or Winter Growth (the day care she attended). I want to do this really bad, so I'm going to figure out how to make it happen. Today was also the first day I've exercised since I had surgery.

I had the VSG (vertical gastric sleeve) done on February 20, 2015. I now only have 20% of my original stomach. I've lost 14 lbs since then, and I'm at 214.6 as of this afternoon. I don't eat much food, but I have to get a lot of protein and the past week I've been failing miserably with that. I'm making the effort to get the damn vitamins in, but the protein is hit or miss. I eat chicken about 3 times a day with some other things but the protein drinks are just so unappealing all the sudden. I guess if I want this all to work I have no choice but to buck up and do it. Stop whining basically. Since it was 65 degrees outside today, I donned my new running shoes and some sports bras and got my fat ass over to Centennial Lake to do the loop. I didn't do the full 5K loop, I didn't want to push it for the first time since I haven't actually jogged or any form of exercise since last fall. And I was not feeling so hot over the weekend--definetly lake of protein and energy. So today I did great considering. It took me 42 minutes to walk and jog 2.58 miles around the lake with some killerrrrrr hills. I went the way where there are more hills going up then down; the other way around is easier. With good music it can be done; I remember when Rod used to physically push me up those hills because I just couldn't make it. Today I imagined my mom giving me the strength to get through it.

Now my lungs are starting to loosen up the winter phlegm inside them; I'll be hacking all week. My legs are a little sore but manageable. My neck doesn't hurt and my back doesn't hurt!!! Those are the ones that I hate. I can't deal with neck and back pain.

So today was Day 1 of RUNNING FOR RUTHIE.

Today was also a day where I am remembering a good friend who passed away this past Thursday. He suffered from a brain tumor. Not quite 60 years old, too much life left, too many things to do, and too many loved ones missing him. It's ridiculously not fair. I don't know what else to say; I didn't get to say goodbye and I hope he understands that. He truly was a great friend and mentor in this life. I am thankful and proud to call him a friend of mine.

Tonight I have to work 1 or 2 before I have another 2 off. Then I'm back to 4 in a row over my weekend. Dear Lord help me get through this.


There is someone that I've recently realized I have some sort of major desire to be with. I think about him a lot, a lot of things remind me of him. He is a kind, thoughtful, hard working and smart person and he is currently single. The only probably is that he's 15 hours away in another state. If I could, I'd fly out every weekend and visit. But thats not possible, and I'm hoping to at least see him once or twice this year. The reason I'm even giving into this feelings is that I'm realizing now that life is too short to be unhappy, stuck, doing something to make others happy and not yourself; etc etc. And one thing that would make me a happy girl is seeing this person and being with him. In a perfect world, we would be together.  Without pressures, without my family obligations, without any care in the world except living our lives. If love was meant to be, then it will happen. Or something like that. 

Either way, my love life is sorta screwy. Travis and I are so far about on the couples spectrum it's not even funny. I know its partly because of my family drama. We will have to see what happens. One day at a time basically.

Ahhhhh. Well I need to get a nap before work. But before I sign off, I want to add this song on here...its amazing and I found it today after listening to DC101. This band is great and this song is my new favorite.

https://youtu.be/6JCLY0Rlx6Q

SHUT UP AND DANCE WITH ME by Walk The Moon