February sucked.
February 7, 2015 I turned 35 at 8:26pm. My mother died the following day at 2:20pm. I was rushing back into the room after getting a call from my brother Mike saying "I think it just happened." Travis and I had gone to get food for everyone. It was a downward spiral into the reality that my mom was really truly no longer with us. I was now at that point motherless. She was pulled up to Heaven and could now look down on us. I'm hoping this is the case because its the only thing that comforts me is knowing she is watching. I was talking to her today on my jog, asking her to push me up the hills and give me the physical strength to do it. I think she threw me a bone and helped because I did make it up most of them.
Today the sky was light blue with a few white fluffy clouds, I knew she was up there watching all of us. I mean, she's got 6 kids, 2 grand daughters and a husband to sit and watch. I think when its raining and cloudy she spends her time with the other friends and family that have passed away. This is what I tell myself because if I don't, I'll just cry all the time.
If there was something I could tell her right now, I'd tell her this:
"I'm so mad this disease took you! I freaking hate it! It shouldn't have happened to you!! I needed you here on Earth, I have so much more life left! I need to have you with me when I get married or I have babies or I have questions! Don't you wish you could be here for that? I sure do!"
I don't mean it to sound like I'm mad at her, I'm just mad at this disease. Its not her fault by any means. She sure as hell didn't ask for something to rob her of her mind and body. Poor sweet Ruthie.
I wish that I would have talked to her more 10-15 years ago, and I wish that I would have been able to remember the things we talked about. I remember some, but very little. I'm so stuck in the past 4-5 years of her illness that I forget what she was like when I was a younger adult.
Anywho. There a days at a time where I cry every day because I miss her. Sometimes a day will sneak in and I won't cry. But because I live in her house, there are still many reminders of her; her things are still in the bedroom where I store my clothes too. I see her name on mail still, I have things constantly reminded me of her. Especially since we have things leftover from the funeral in the living; I still have the big pink carnation heart that we displayed next to the table her urn was on at her service. I can't bring myself to throw it out yet even though its dead. My dad is still trying to get the check from the various life insurance companies so he can get all his money straightened out after paying for the funeral service.
In June, we have the gravesite memorial with Taps and I'm hoping I can find a piper to add into the ceremony.
In order for me to feel like we are keeping her memory alive, I want to organize a 5k run. The name would of course be "Ruthie's Run" and the proceeds would go to ALZ society or Winter Growth (the day care she attended). I want to do this really bad, so I'm going to figure out how to make it happen. Today was also the first day I've exercised since I had surgery.
I had the VSG (vertical gastric sleeve) done on February 20, 2015. I now only have 20% of my original stomach. I've lost 14 lbs since then, and I'm at 214.6 as of this afternoon. I don't eat much food, but I have to get a lot of protein and the past week I've been failing miserably with that. I'm making the effort to get the damn vitamins in, but the protein is hit or miss. I eat chicken about 3 times a day with some other things but the protein drinks are just so unappealing all the sudden. I guess if I want this all to work I have no choice but to buck up and do it. Stop whining basically. Since it was 65 degrees outside today, I donned my new running shoes and some sports bras and got my fat ass over to Centennial Lake to do the loop. I didn't do the full 5K loop, I didn't want to push it for the first time since I haven't actually jogged or any form of exercise since last fall. And I was not feeling so hot over the weekend--definetly lake of protein and energy. So today I did great considering. It took me 42 minutes to walk and jog 2.58 miles around the lake with some killerrrrrr hills. I went the way where there are more hills going up then down; the other way around is easier. With good music it can be done; I remember when Rod used to physically push me up those hills because I just couldn't make it. Today I imagined my mom giving me the strength to get through it.
Now my lungs are starting to loosen up the winter phlegm inside them; I'll be hacking all week. My legs are a little sore but manageable. My neck doesn't hurt and my back doesn't hurt!!! Those are the ones that I hate. I can't deal with neck and back pain.
So today was Day 1 of RUNNING FOR RUTHIE.
Today was also a day where I am remembering a good friend who passed away this past Thursday. He suffered from a brain tumor. Not quite 60 years old, too much life left, too many things to do, and too many loved ones missing him. It's ridiculously not fair. I don't know what else to say; I didn't get to say goodbye and I hope he understands that. He truly was a great friend and mentor in this life. I am thankful and proud to call him a friend of mine.
Tonight I have to work 1 or 2 before I have another 2 off. Then I'm back to 4 in a row over my weekend. Dear Lord help me get through this.
There is someone that I've recently realized I have some sort of major desire to be with. I think about him a lot, a lot of things remind me of him. He is a kind, thoughtful, hard working and smart person and he is currently single. The only probably is that he's 15 hours away in another state. If I could, I'd fly out every weekend and visit. But thats not possible, and I'm hoping to at least see him once or twice this year. The reason I'm even giving into this feelings is that I'm realizing now that life is too short to be unhappy, stuck, doing something to make others happy and not yourself; etc etc. And one thing that would make me a happy girl is seeing this person and being with him. In a perfect world, we would be together. Without pressures, without my family obligations, without any care in the world except living our lives. If love was meant to be, then it will happen. Or something like that.
Either way, my love life is sorta screwy. Travis and I are so far about on the couples spectrum it's not even funny. I know its partly because of my family drama. We will have to see what happens. One day at a time basically.
Ahhhhh. Well I need to get a nap before work. But before I sign off, I want to add this song on here...its amazing and I found it today after listening to DC101. This band is great and this song is my new favorite.
Today was also a day where I am remembering a good friend who passed away this past Thursday. He suffered from a brain tumor. Not quite 60 years old, too much life left, too many things to do, and too many loved ones missing him. It's ridiculously not fair. I don't know what else to say; I didn't get to say goodbye and I hope he understands that. He truly was a great friend and mentor in this life. I am thankful and proud to call him a friend of mine.
Tonight I have to work 1 or 2 before I have another 2 off. Then I'm back to 4 in a row over my weekend. Dear Lord help me get through this.
There is someone that I've recently realized I have some sort of major desire to be with. I think about him a lot, a lot of things remind me of him. He is a kind, thoughtful, hard working and smart person and he is currently single. The only probably is that he's 15 hours away in another state. If I could, I'd fly out every weekend and visit. But thats not possible, and I'm hoping to at least see him once or twice this year. The reason I'm even giving into this feelings is that I'm realizing now that life is too short to be unhappy, stuck, doing something to make others happy and not yourself; etc etc. And one thing that would make me a happy girl is seeing this person and being with him. In a perfect world, we would be together. Without pressures, without my family obligations, without any care in the world except living our lives. If love was meant to be, then it will happen. Or something like that.
Either way, my love life is sorta screwy. Travis and I are so far about on the couples spectrum it's not even funny. I know its partly because of my family drama. We will have to see what happens. One day at a time basically.
Ahhhhh. Well I need to get a nap before work. But before I sign off, I want to add this song on here...its amazing and I found it today after listening to DC101. This band is great and this song is my new favorite.
https://youtu.be/6JCLY0Rlx6Q
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