We're knee-deep in boxes.

Flashback day. TONS of them.


So last week. I worked 5 days in a row. For most, this is totally normal. Not for me. I used to work 3 then a day off then a couple or a weekend or something. At a job where I could wear street clothes, whatever shoes I wanted, and we basically could fuck off when we wanted. Now I have a set uniform. I actually do shots, procedures, do IV's and fluids. I haven't done much with the babies and kids. I'd prefer not to. I give out tons of vaccinations including but not limited to the flu and t-dap. Strep tests. Nothing like Springfield.

But all the fear and anxiety I had was gone, for the most part, and I got through it-albeit I was exhausted. Standing for 7 hours mostly. I'll get used to that. I don't hardly eat at work, so thats good. I try to drink a lot of fluids but I don't always have time to do that. I guess I can safely say it'll get even better and I'll have crappy days and I'll have good days. Thats every where. Back in tomorrow at 830am!

Yesterday we both started the big pack job. HOLY HELL. I have a lot of stuff. A lot of it was inherited from my mom. I don't know if our apt will have room for all of it, I think I'll be investing in a storage unit somehow. And going through all of this stuff one or two more times. Packing sucks but packing and being exhausted doesn't help. Then today we had to have a big pissy fight about Bugsy peeing in the kitchen because no one let him out. Its always his job to let them out at night. I'm asleep! He stays up til 1 or 2. Its his job to let them outside in the back. I don't know how this is going to work once we move. We're going to have to invest in some extra carpet to go over the carpet :( How ghetto.  So after argument after argument we got started; dropped off a truck load of stuff at the Good Will then started packing the kitchen. So much crap. I had to wrap the delicate, breakable stuff. And I find stuff that belonged to my mom or dad and mostly, I was good. I didn't cry. But a few sobs here and there. 

The topic came up numerous times about our relationship and how much we are out of it, and how much we are more like roommates. I broke it down for him--you can't have a tantrum then say "Fuck you!" to me and expect me to be in love with you. Its borderline abusive. I don't like it. It makes me not want to be with you or trust you to have my back or be my man. But we did get 1/3 to 1/2 of the kitchen packed and the rest should go quickly. Its the rest of the upstairs that i'm a little worried about. But like every other move, Ive had it done in the nick of time. So I bet thats how this will go. I just want to get on with it. We need money too, and we need to sell this house. So even though it kills me in ways people don't always understand, this house will no longer be mine, and it will have to be sacrificed in order to move on. I will be an absolute wreck at some point, when its literally not ours anymore. When the keys go bye bye. When I can't walk in the door. When I can't go in the back yard. So sad. Incredibly heart breaking. I'm sort of looking forward to burying Daddy, just because we will all be together one last time. Except for Maggie. We need to really have a sentimental moment: These are our parents. They are are going to be buried next to each other forever. They are responsible for creating us. I feel like we need to share a moment. I need to cry, hug, and love with everyone. Family is #1. We are always going to be related, blood is thicker then any fight or petty bullshit. Could we actually enjoy yourselves together now that we have no more of these problems?

I want to go on here eventually. I want to do me. I want to do my life. I want to try new thing, I want to have kids, have the love of my life with me everyday; loose the anxiety. Loose the sadness. I want to do the things on my bucket list. I only have one body, one soul, and I need to use it accordingly, especially since I'm already 35. I need to become the Sara that everyone will one day remember when I'm gone; I am incomplete right now. 

"You can tell the sun in jealous in his sky, when we walked in fields of gold. 
You'll remember me..."

Grief is...

I didn't realize how much grief I had deep down inside of me at this time. I think it manifested in other ways throughout the summer. I wasn't busy, so I kept busy with things I wanted to do. Now I'm working....5 days a week. And if you know me, I'm used to a different type of job  and schedule.
And we're moving in about 1 1/2 weeks. That is going to kill me. But it is definitely for the best because it's killing me living here, with all of the memories. So the logical and smart thing to do is move on, no matter how painful it seems at first, it will pay off in the end.

I have been seeing a Gilchrest grief counselor with Terri twice now, and I think it's helping although I could go for 4 hours a week and it would barely skim the surface. I still remember sitting at Witzke's holding Aunt Susie's hand with my left hand and Travis's with my right singing along to "Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" (which is playing while I type) and I automatically feel the same feelings I had that day. You were gone...you are now ashes...you are not my mom in the physical sense, you are my mom in the Heavenly sense. I remember feeling like "i can't believe this is happening, but I know its happening, so I'm going to soak it all in."

We did walk in fields of gold; I will keep you in my heart; I will remember my birthday, and February  8 as well as Valentine's Day in a completely different way now. Sometimes sobbing and getting out the tears is cathartic and helpful, which is what is happening while I'm writing this. I haven't even touched on the fact that I'm still so angry at ALZ for taking your life. Making you suffer the way you did. Making you feel like you didn't know your loved ones, making you hurt, making you confused and scared. I can only pray that you deep down inside felt the love from all of us. I really wish that I could help be a part of the movement to help cure this disease, or at least education everyone on what an ordeal it is. There is such a huge lack of education for family and caregivers--the problem is no one knows where to go to get answers or help or how to cope themselves, both the patients and the loved ones. I'm still lost and your death has already happened! I can't imagine going through this again with someone. I pray no one in our family develops this disease.

Grief is.....overwhelming, scary, mind-numbing, intruding, demanding,  and down right awful.

MY SUNSHINE ALWAYS AND FOREVER. I LOVE YOU RUTHIE! I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY!

Its always emotional around here!

So Ruthie, I'm starting a new job this week; I sort of started last week. It's at Patient First. We took you there once to have your hand stitched and give you a tetanus shot. I also applied and interviewed at HCGH for my old job. I haven't heard back from them yet but I will follow up next week. I'm not sure if I want to go there or not. I want to see what PF is like first. So far everyone's been nice to me and it doesn't seem to stressful, like what I had before. I have to have faith in myself and stop fearing everything. I can do this. Please watch over me and guide me through this, I still need your help in that department.

Daddy I'm sorry, I tried to get your house together. I'm sure whoever buys it will make it a nice home, just like you did. I love you. Please watch over me. Please watch over Uncle Jerry, Aunt Annette, Uncle Fred, and Aunt Beah. I can't imagine life without them. We have the big reunion planned for next summer too, and they HAVE TO BE THERE!!!

PS, How bout them Packers? GO PACK GO!

Its almost official...summer 2015 is over.

I love summer. Despite the fact that it was the worst summer ever besides maybe 2008.  But, summer is coming to an end. The teachers went back this week, the kids go back next week. I'm not sure how I feel about this. It means 2 things--time is flying by. Time is distancing me from June 14.

The house stuff has been on hold, thank God, for about 2 1/2 weeks now, which I guess is good only because I started working yesterday and I don't really have the brain capacity to deal with anything more. I'm praying that it just goes smoothly and I can fly under the radar. Its getting to be a pain in the ass just to walk the poor dogs everyday! LET ALONE RUN! And I'm embarrassed to say that I haven't had a chance to ride the bike I was dying to have. As I type, my left leg muscles are twitching. I'm trying to guzzle as much water as I can since I'll be at the Orioles game tonight and it is hot out.

I'm not going to quit. I'm not done, I just haven't focused on this and put it in my daily routine like you would if you were really organized :P I have goals and dreams and despite what all the cute memes on the internet say, they're damn hard to accomplish!

I've got some actual "homework" to do for work--I gotta brush up on some actual nursing topics. My cardiac drugs, vaccinations, pediatrics in general; shit. Everything? I just spent 5 years babysitting adults who could hardly handle walking to a fucking dining room to eat a meal. Juice and cookies?? None for you! Or, here are you meds..."THESE AREN'T MY MEDS BITCH!" *sigh* I have keys. You don't. If you want to leave this shithole, I suggest you take them...

There are a lot of things I want to write in here but I don't think they are appropriate considering that I am aiming this blog to be more about the grieving process I'm experiencing with my parents and what I'm doing to combat that.

Work will definitely help with that. I need to incorporate some exercise into this. I need a left leg to stop giving me fits too! And the weather hasn't been all that wonderful either, very hot and humid. It's one thing when its the beginning of the summer and its new, but now that we're weeks into it, it's getting old. I'd rather sit at the pool. I wish I had someone to go to the pool with me :( It gets lonely being there. I'm not watching kids there like I used to back in the day, and Travis doesn't like to go. So I'm stuck alone. Watching all the mom's and dad's and their kids. And when I go to the River Hill pool, I  feel like the pauper who is visiting the prince's neighborhood!!! I have loads of ideas for short stories and book topics...but thats a whole separate thing that again, doesn't relate to this blog. Oh you didn't know? I will write a book someday...I'm not sure exactly what about but I will. Fiction I suppose, because writing about my life or experiences seems too hard and painful. Plus I'm sure I'd offend someone. Can't do that now can we?

Maybe by the next time I write in here I'll have something worthy of writing about. A run, a bike ride, something.

This is my Uncle David, my mom's little brother.

And his daughter Kari and her daughter Mary Louise. Uncle David's 69th birthday was

last week :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love these people to death <3

You were born this way, baby

I can't help it I was born last, the 6th of 6. I am so thankful to be born in such a great area. Columbia has been a really awesome place to grow up and work in. I have a love/hate relationship with it---it's so expensive to live in. But there's so many perks so its worth the price in my opinion. Who knows, maybe one day I will buy a house around here.
Any who, that wasn't the point of this posting.

I got my bike today!!!!! I GOT MY BICYCLE! I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE! oops sorry, got a little excited :P   Had to lower the seat, like, Compton style,  and then tilt that thing down so it's not up my who-ha like a ....yah.

Rode for a few minutes just to get used to it. I am in love. Will get back out tomorrow. I need to figure out the shoes though. No clips. And form and posture. I need to learn that. And for god sakes is there a long flat surface ANYWHERE in this damn town? I need to practice lol. Iowa is full of hills, like any roads. Don't tell me its flat because no where is completely flat. Except North Dakota where you can watch your dog run away for 2 hours. (That was a recent joke posted on Facebook too.)

I told my Aunt Beah today about my bike and how I want to ride with her kids (my cousins) Troy and Ty and my second cousins Andy, Lucas, and whomever else is in on this ride. My other cousin Putzy is doing it again this summer too, but with his own group I guess. It's going to be a blast! I'm dying for this moment to be with my family. I'm praying it all works out so I can do it.

Speaking of family, my dad's brother, my Uncle Jerry, well his wife is in the hospital. Aunt Annette. Dear sweet Annette. She broke her ankle too! I am praying for a smooth recovery. Poor Uncle Jerry, can't catch a break.  My Aunt Beah's husband, my Uncle Fred is trying to get well so he can go on his guys fishing trip with his boys and grand kids. I hope he can enjoy it all--he has cancer too; partial lobectomy done...what a troopah. Seriously, does every get sick all in the same 5 year span??? I guess
I better live it up now :) Better keep dancin like we're 22 as Taylor Swift says. ;)

I talked to my Uncle David tonight. His 69th birthday is this week. Holy shit where does the time go? He's the young oops like me on my mom's side. So next year will be the big 70, thats means another party. I feel like I've got 5 vacations planned already for next year. I hope I can pull them all off.

It is possible i might get up and run in the morning tomorrow...In fact I think I'll try. Ruthie I'm going to try to bust out a run for ya. A short one, maybe Lake Elkhorn. Since its been almost 3 weeks. I gotta get back out there. Must stay active. Stop drinking iced coffee and other sugary drinks!! No more red meat. We will be getting some fish up in this house!!!! Anyway.

Keep sending me love from above <3 <3

That is Lidgerwood, North Dakota, Main Street? 1908. When my grandmother was a little bitty girl. I think she lived some where nearby on a farm though. But I've been on that main street. and I vaguely remember it. Thats where it all began, were my grandparents met and married and started their awesome family, and all the love in my heart comes from <3

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier article

My uncle sent me a forward about this topic, so I further checked in on it because part of it didn't sound right. Not being about to talk and not drinking alcohol forever? Didn't make sense. However, this is still a very cool article and I wanted to save it somewhere. My dad probably already knew everything in it too :)  I have yet to visit ANC and would like to at some point, maybe this fall if possible.

“ARLINGTON’S TOMB OF UNKNOWNS: SENTINELS AT THE TOMB WALK EXACTLY THIS MANY STEPS AT A TIME BEFORE THEY STOP & TURN”

In terms of my own discoveries, I wasn’t sure if the right name is Tomb of the Unknown Soldier or the Tomb of the Unknowns. It turns out that it is commonly known by both, but there is no official name.

Herewith, a breakdown of the still-circulating email.

TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER AT ARLINGTON CEMETERY

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the Tomb of the Unknowns and why?
   ANS: 21 steps: It alludes to the twenty-one-gun salute which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.
   Snopes says: The guards do make 21-step walks past the Tomb of the Unknowns because 21 is considered a number of special significance. It relates to a naval “code” of canons on land replying with 21 shots to a ship’s 7-gun salute. Read here for the origins of the 21-gun salute.
2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?ANS: 21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1.
   Snopes says: This is a somewhat true but incomplete statement. The guard does not execute an about-face, and there is more involved in the procedure than is described here. This other site describes the process more precisely.
3. Why are his gloves wet?
   ANS: His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.
   Snopes says: Correct.
4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time and, if not, why not? |
   ANS: He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.
   Snopes says: OK.
5. How often are the guards changed?
   ANS: Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.
   Snopes says: From 1926 through 1937, the Tomb was guarded only during daylight hours. Ever since 1937, it has been continuously guarded 24 hours a day, every day of the year. Sentinel guards are changed every thirty minutes between 8 AM and 7 PM during the period from early Spring to early Autumn (April 1 through September 30), and every hour between 8 AM to 5 PM the rest of the year. At all other times (i.e., while the cemetery is closed), the guard is changed every two hours.
6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?
   ANS: For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5′ 10′ and 6′ 2′ tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30.

Other claims in the email:

They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb…,
Snopes says: Incorrect. “Sentinels at the Tomb do not have to commit to serving there for any fixed period of time, and the average tour of duty is only about half the two year period claimed here. Like most servicemen, Tomb guards may live either on-base … or off-base in housing of their choosing.

…[they] cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives.
Snopes says: Incorrect. There are no restrictions on guards’ off-duty drinking.

After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin.
Snopes says: Incorrect. The badge is worn on the pocket of a uniform jacket, not a pin worn on the lapel.

The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.
Snopes says: Incorrect. The shoes are standard issue military dress shoes.

The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone nor watch TV.
Snopes says: Incorrect. “A Tomb guard’s behavior is not so stringently regulated that he is prohibited from speaking to anyone for a full six months (someone seems to have confused the Old Guard with a monastery!), and guards may do whatever they want (including watching TV) during their off-duty hours.”

Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.
Snopes says: Correct.

POST SCRIPTUM FROM SNOPES

Although serving as President of the United States qualifies one to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery, only two former Presidents are interred there: William Howard Taft and John F. Kennedy.

POST SCRIPTUM IN THE EMAIL

The email I received went on with a further tribute:

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington, DC, our US Senate/House took 2 days off with anticipation of the storm. On the ABC evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the hurricane, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknowns were given permission to suspend the assignment. They respectfully declined the offer, “No way, Sir!” Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be afforded to a service person. The tomb has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1930.

In any event, while there are some inaccuracies in the email, the intention is good. This post is my small little tribute to the men and women who serve and a special salute to the guards.

By the way: The word TOMB appears 21 times in the article above!

This entry was posted in history, war, WWII and tagged 21 gun salute, 21 steps, Arlington Cemetery, Jeopardy, Jeopardy question, Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, Tomb of the Unknowns by minterdial. Bookmark the permalink.

Downsizing Dad's life to a few boxes

So I'm back to NOT running again.

I've been trying to clean out the house. I didn't realize how much shit I have! And my dad! His den is almost done. Gotta disconnect the cable *sigh* and give the TV to Kelly and take the recliner into the other room. WE ARE keeping it. Not them.  No one bought it for him, so I am keeping it. She's wants the TV, the truck, and his bedroom furniture, I'm keeping the goddamn recliner. He sat in it EVERY DAY. Bugsy would climb on his lap; Maddie would, occasionally Tessie would. Everyone but Tessie would nap with him on that recliner. I'm keeping it. Try to argue with me, I will shut you down.

Yes that's my mood. I've been so freaking moody its not even funny. Oh gosh its horrible! This has been the worst fucking year of my life, besides last year. I swear to God 2016 better be worth it!

Some good things happened this year. I had a life changing surgery, I'm learning to run and bike, and I'm losing weight that will never come back again. I did make a difference in my mother's life, and I'd like to think I made a difference in my father's life too. I have been a devoted daughter, I've sacrificed to make their lives better. For that opportunity, I am grateful. I know that sounds weird, but some people don't realize that to care for someone is a privilege. I'm a nurse, thats how I see it. I kid a lot about hating my profession, and I am really discouraged with it and the place I just finished working at. But if I am able to continue in this profession, I think I'll be able to look at it differently then I used to. I really just want to start over in real estate. I want to prove to myself and the rest of the world I can do something like that. Plus I feel like I will enjoy the process. So why not? Remembering that life is short, this makes sense!

I've met some really nice people this year too. Some of them have made lasting impressions on me that I'll never forget. I look forward to keeping their relationships. They are special to me.

My bike is ready, so we can pick it up tomorrow. Tomorrow we have to make a trip to the Good Will. I have to clean out my dad's closet. His suits are in there :( Some of his old shirts, nothing really special. My sister already stole his Aaron Rodgers jersey the day he died; the other 2 Packer's jerseys are safe with my brothers who deserve to have them. I have some of his things are sentimental to me. And perhaps in the future, they will lose that value and I'll give them up. But for now, there's only so much I can handle with throwing out his stuff.  How do people handle this shit? Its gotta be the worst thing ever---going through a loved one's things and trying to figure out what to do with it all. thankfully my mom didn't have a ton of stuff. I'm keeping some of her clothes and I will wash them and I have a project for them--you can make some of the articles of clothing into pillows. Or a blanket. I'd love that. Lord knows when I'll get to that project though!

I hate to say it but I'm still really sad that my siblings are so disconnected from me. There's not much I can do to fix it this week, and I don't know if it will ever change. I know thats part of the reason why I'm not strong and I'm struggling to get through this house stuff. I don't know what to do to fix it yet. Darcy says pray on it; I do but that's like psych meds: it only works 40% of the time. I don't plan on giving up, but I find it difficult to put much hope into at this moment.

The garage is completely empty, by the way. We joked that it hadn't been like that since they week my parents moved into the freshly built house! Sadly, its the truth. But its so weird to see it empty. You can say not to dwell on things, but we just threw out the man's life. Into the dump. It wasn't savable stuff, but at the same time, it was his STUFF.  I hope if I get older and have kids, own a house, and so on that my STUFF doesn't get thrown in the dump. I hope that I don't have a lot of STUFF to begin with. I need to downsize some of my stuff thats boxed up in the basement. I worked on it for 2 days, I have one more day of a few boxes to go through. The rest of it is my STUFF. I'm 35, I have STUFF. If someone thinks that because I've only rented for 10 years that I wouldn't have accumulated things, they are crazy. My one sister has an entire house full of STUFF. Moving for her someday will be a nightmare. And guess who's NOT helping?? :) I'm not going to extend that offer since it wasn't extended to me. In fact, nobody ask me to help them move....ever. I'm never doing it.

Hopefully when we move out of this house we can afford to hire movers because lugging the boxes from the basement around to the front is torture...its up hill coming out...and its all uneven grass. Ugh. Nightmare. And Its my stuff mostly, so Travis isn't thrilled about schlepping my shit to yet another holding tank. (Re: Apartment.)

I couldn't imagine moving across country! As much as I adore my family out there, I'm not sure I can do it because a) parents are buried here b) I want to sell real estate here and c) I'd have to move all my  STUFF! So maybe lots of visits if I can make some good money someday.

I'm not sure how many more times I can possibly play "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift or "Shut Up And Dance" by Walk the Moon but I've probably got a record going. Where were these songs 10-15 years ago when I was young and in that part of the game?? :) I mean, I'm no Taylor Swift and certainly wasn't back then but that was sort of how I thought of dating. I always felt like it was this game, and I was on top of it. (HAHAHAHA couldn't be further from the truth, but thats a girl's ego for ya!) It brought back memories going through my boxes--finding all of this stuff from my first 2 jobs when I was young and dating and "partying" and playing the game. Young and reckless was a good way to put it. It seemed like I had blank space to write some of those names in. "Boys only want  love if its torture" is kind of true at times. As for "Shut Up And Dance" thats just a catchy tune, reminds me of an 80's hit. And we all know the 80's were a happy time for us 30-somethings. That was before life was complicated. Plus it describes how I wish I could just find that special person and go out with them on and dance the cool summer night away and just laugh and have the best time of our lives. For that one night at least.  Like, shut up, don't talk, just enjoy the moment. Live in the moment, be on the same page! I crave that sooooo much. Thats how I know that there isn't going to be a wedding, there isn't going to be a forever. We just aren't on the same page. Unless that changes, I can't do that. Even though my family loves him and he has been through some serious shit with me and my parents, I just don't think its meant to be forever. I'm just not happy. I feel like right now isn't the time to break up. Too many life changing things this year, you don't add to it purposely. At least I can't. Not only that, we are financially dependent on each other. We also just can't quit yet. It hasn't played its way all the way out yet. So, maybe next year? Who knows.  I don't like changing my routine, but then again, what routine? A shitty one that I live every day hating? Makes me think.

This morning I had this flashback memory of the moment we realized back in January that the Packer's weren't going to the Super Bowl, and I cried. And my sister texted me saying she cried too. I remember my dad watching it saying "I don't believe it!" and then of course his phone call with his brother. *SIGH* (That was a big one.) It dissolves into tears. I hate these flashbacks. They seriously kill me. I've been having them since my mom died; for her and now even more for my dad. WTF? Is it like a way of torture? It's working! I had this vision when I was coming home last night from Whole Foods...I was driving past the pool and about to turn to get to my street...there will be a day when I won't go that way, and it won't be our house anymore. I won't have a reason to even be in that area really, other then to visit my friends on the street. I felt a serious 5 seconds of sheer panic. So when that day comes and we move and sell, there won't be any amount of $ that will take that melt down away. I will seriously melt down. It's going to be meltdown day. I'm going to need a serious batch of meds for that day.  And originally, at the beginning of this whole death thing this year, I figured one way to combat this stress would be to run. It usually makes me feel better. And what am I doing? Sitting on my ass, on my laptop eating garlic bread and NOT running lol. My reason and logic is that it's storming, which it is. Pop up storms the rest of the night. I can't safely go do a run. So fine, no biggie. Maybe I can tomorrow night. Who knows.

Sorry Ruthie, I didn't run again this past week. Sorry Daddy, I had to throw out a lot of your stuff. Please forgive me!!!