Grief is...

I didn't realize how much grief I had deep down inside of me at this time. I think it manifested in other ways throughout the summer. I wasn't busy, so I kept busy with things I wanted to do. Now I'm working....5 days a week. And if you know me, I'm used to a different type of job  and schedule.
And we're moving in about 1 1/2 weeks. That is going to kill me. But it is definitely for the best because it's killing me living here, with all of the memories. So the logical and smart thing to do is move on, no matter how painful it seems at first, it will pay off in the end.

I have been seeing a Gilchrest grief counselor with Terri twice now, and I think it's helping although I could go for 4 hours a week and it would barely skim the surface. I still remember sitting at Witzke's holding Aunt Susie's hand with my left hand and Travis's with my right singing along to "Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" (which is playing while I type) and I automatically feel the same feelings I had that day. You were gone...you are now ashes...you are not my mom in the physical sense, you are my mom in the Heavenly sense. I remember feeling like "i can't believe this is happening, but I know its happening, so I'm going to soak it all in."

We did walk in fields of gold; I will keep you in my heart; I will remember my birthday, and February  8 as well as Valentine's Day in a completely different way now. Sometimes sobbing and getting out the tears is cathartic and helpful, which is what is happening while I'm writing this. I haven't even touched on the fact that I'm still so angry at ALZ for taking your life. Making you suffer the way you did. Making you feel like you didn't know your loved ones, making you hurt, making you confused and scared. I can only pray that you deep down inside felt the love from all of us. I really wish that I could help be a part of the movement to help cure this disease, or at least education everyone on what an ordeal it is. There is such a huge lack of education for family and caregivers--the problem is no one knows where to go to get answers or help or how to cope themselves, both the patients and the loved ones. I'm still lost and your death has already happened! I can't imagine going through this again with someone. I pray no one in our family develops this disease.

Grief is.....overwhelming, scary, mind-numbing, intruding, demanding,  and down right awful.

MY SUNSHINE ALWAYS AND FOREVER. I LOVE YOU RUTHIE! I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY!