We're knee-deep in boxes.

Flashback day. TONS of them.


So last week. I worked 5 days in a row. For most, this is totally normal. Not for me. I used to work 3 then a day off then a couple or a weekend or something. At a job where I could wear street clothes, whatever shoes I wanted, and we basically could fuck off when we wanted. Now I have a set uniform. I actually do shots, procedures, do IV's and fluids. I haven't done much with the babies and kids. I'd prefer not to. I give out tons of vaccinations including but not limited to the flu and t-dap. Strep tests. Nothing like Springfield.

But all the fear and anxiety I had was gone, for the most part, and I got through it-albeit I was exhausted. Standing for 7 hours mostly. I'll get used to that. I don't hardly eat at work, so thats good. I try to drink a lot of fluids but I don't always have time to do that. I guess I can safely say it'll get even better and I'll have crappy days and I'll have good days. Thats every where. Back in tomorrow at 830am!

Yesterday we both started the big pack job. HOLY HELL. I have a lot of stuff. A lot of it was inherited from my mom. I don't know if our apt will have room for all of it, I think I'll be investing in a storage unit somehow. And going through all of this stuff one or two more times. Packing sucks but packing and being exhausted doesn't help. Then today we had to have a big pissy fight about Bugsy peeing in the kitchen because no one let him out. Its always his job to let them out at night. I'm asleep! He stays up til 1 or 2. Its his job to let them outside in the back. I don't know how this is going to work once we move. We're going to have to invest in some extra carpet to go over the carpet :( How ghetto.  So after argument after argument we got started; dropped off a truck load of stuff at the Good Will then started packing the kitchen. So much crap. I had to wrap the delicate, breakable stuff. And I find stuff that belonged to my mom or dad and mostly, I was good. I didn't cry. But a few sobs here and there. 

The topic came up numerous times about our relationship and how much we are out of it, and how much we are more like roommates. I broke it down for him--you can't have a tantrum then say "Fuck you!" to me and expect me to be in love with you. Its borderline abusive. I don't like it. It makes me not want to be with you or trust you to have my back or be my man. But we did get 1/3 to 1/2 of the kitchen packed and the rest should go quickly. Its the rest of the upstairs that i'm a little worried about. But like every other move, Ive had it done in the nick of time. So I bet thats how this will go. I just want to get on with it. We need money too, and we need to sell this house. So even though it kills me in ways people don't always understand, this house will no longer be mine, and it will have to be sacrificed in order to move on. I will be an absolute wreck at some point, when its literally not ours anymore. When the keys go bye bye. When I can't walk in the door. When I can't go in the back yard. So sad. Incredibly heart breaking. I'm sort of looking forward to burying Daddy, just because we will all be together one last time. Except for Maggie. We need to really have a sentimental moment: These are our parents. They are are going to be buried next to each other forever. They are responsible for creating us. I feel like we need to share a moment. I need to cry, hug, and love with everyone. Family is #1. We are always going to be related, blood is thicker then any fight or petty bullshit. Could we actually enjoy yourselves together now that we have no more of these problems?

I want to go on here eventually. I want to do me. I want to do my life. I want to try new thing, I want to have kids, have the love of my life with me everyday; loose the anxiety. Loose the sadness. I want to do the things on my bucket list. I only have one body, one soul, and I need to use it accordingly, especially since I'm already 35. I need to become the Sara that everyone will one day remember when I'm gone; I am incomplete right now. 

"You can tell the sun in jealous in his sky, when we walked in fields of gold. 
You'll remember me..."