Therapy.

We've been going to therapy at Gilchrest Hospice in Columbia. We had them for mommy, so we are entitled to free sessions. So Terri and I've gone 3 times. I want to get the most of it, so I'm going to try to write something things that I want to discuss. Thats the hardest part. Remember what to say and how to get every minute of worthiness out of it.

I feel so cheated, I remember being with her at the end; I remember thinking I would be relieved it was over, but so fucking beyond pissed and angry that it just happened---that ALL of it happened- to my mother. My beautiful amazing brave and special mother.

I remember shopping for something to wear for the funeral; I couldn't find a damn thing. I remember picking the music out with Terri. I remember seeing her for the last time. Walking out of the room crying, but also feeling the weight lifted. I remember telling Mary I loved her so much and that I was so glad she was a part of our family and hugging her.  We hadn't really had a moment like that ever.
The sun came out too as we walked out to the parking lot.

I couldn't process the first night in my life without my mom. I remember having this nauseated feeling come over me, I felt strangely sick.  I had to all Travis back into the room, I was so alone. I wanted to cry, but i wanted to sleep. I wanted to just...be. I wanted her back, I want her to be in Heaven. I wanted to see my sister Ann, she would be coming in a couple days. I wanted to tell the world "She's gone! My mom is gone! My mom died!" I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to just fall apart. But all I could do was sleep. I was concerned about my dad. He was so sad, so sick and so exhausted. I wanted to hug him. But he wasn't a hugger. Maybe I should have just tried. He did open up to Travis a lot though in the upcoming months.

I remember writing my speech.  I rewrote it 4 times, finally making it just what I wanted. I could have spoke for 30 minutes if I was allowed. I had so much to say.

I remember how cold it was. That bone chilling cold air. February was not very forgiving. We had her service on Valentine's day. I eulogized my mother on Valentine's day, the day of love. I've never loved someone as much as her. My dad maybe, they're equal. So it was fitting. Sending our love up to Heaven on a day that Love was in the air.

I remember after that weekend was over and we dropped Ann at the airport and hung out with Aunt Karen and Uncle David in DC that my surgery was about to come up. It happened the weekend after we had my mom's funeral. My poor dad was so worried when we drove home in the snow. It was bad weather. he called me like every 15 minutes. I didn't mind. It took us 4 hours to drive 40 minutes. Then him and I spent the week at home together; grieving every night; "I miss the little woman!" I would make him dinner and eat with him. I was on my fresh-post op diet so I was limited. We shared that time together, I'll always remember it. During the day he'd ask from his recliner "You ok Sara?" He really cared and was concerned. I'll treasure that forever.

Flashbacks to my dad mowing the lawn 15-20 years ago on a sunny day; him coming up on the deck and coming in to get water.

Shopping with my mom. Before she was sick.

My purple walls--Martha Stewart Lilac paint. My quilt set from QVC. My blue carpet from Home Depot. My shade and valence. I still have them.

She ironed my uniform for my nursing clinicals. I remember seeing her in the living room with ironing board out doing it. That was right when she started getting sick.

Watching Match Game at night in between babysitting and my evening classes and just laughing.

I see my dad in his recliner every time i close my eyes it seems like. Or my mom laying in her hospital bed, dying. I remember her smile when she looked at me that last time and i said "I LOVE YOU!" and she said "I LOVE YOU TOO HUNNY!" she never spoke again. She basically shut her eyes. And never woke up. She died Sunday after she told me that Thursday.

Always having the presence of one or both of my parents in this house. When I was younger mostly.

Christmas, seeing the tree lit up; always green and blue which I've carried on in her tradition.

My God, how much I miss that woman. Why does she have to be gone so soon????