I've been trying to clean out the house. I didn't realize how much shit I have! And my dad! His den is almost done. Gotta disconnect the cable *sigh* and give the TV to Kelly and take the recliner into the other room. WE ARE keeping it. Not them. No one bought it for him, so I am keeping it. She's wants the TV, the truck, and his bedroom furniture, I'm keeping the goddamn recliner. He sat in it EVERY DAY. Bugsy would climb on his lap; Maddie would, occasionally Tessie would. Everyone but Tessie would nap with him on that recliner. I'm keeping it. Try to argue with me, I will shut you down.
Yes that's my mood. I've been so freaking moody its not even funny. Oh gosh its horrible! This has been the worst fucking year of my life, besides last year. I swear to God 2016 better be worth it!
Some good things happened this year. I had a life changing surgery, I'm learning to run and bike, and I'm losing weight that will never come back again. I did make a difference in my mother's life, and I'd like to think I made a difference in my father's life too. I have been a devoted daughter, I've sacrificed to make their lives better. For that opportunity, I am grateful. I know that sounds weird, but some people don't realize that to care for someone is a privilege. I'm a nurse, thats how I see it. I kid a lot about hating my profession, and I am really discouraged with it and the place I just finished working at. But if I am able to continue in this profession, I think I'll be able to look at it differently then I used to. I really just want to start over in real estate. I want to prove to myself and the rest of the world I can do something like that. Plus I feel like I will enjoy the process. So why not? Remembering that life is short, this makes sense!
I've met some really nice people this year too. Some of them have made lasting impressions on me that I'll never forget. I look forward to keeping their relationships. They are special to me.
My bike is ready, so we can pick it up tomorrow. Tomorrow we have to make a trip to the Good Will. I have to clean out my dad's closet. His suits are in there :( Some of his old shirts, nothing really special. My sister already stole his Aaron Rodgers jersey the day he died; the other 2 Packer's jerseys are safe with my brothers who deserve to have them. I have some of his things are sentimental to me. And perhaps in the future, they will lose that value and I'll give them up. But for now, there's only so much I can handle with throwing out his stuff. How do people handle this shit? Its gotta be the worst thing ever---going through a loved one's things and trying to figure out what to do with it all. thankfully my mom didn't have a ton of stuff. I'm keeping some of her clothes and I will wash them and I have a project for them--you can make some of the articles of clothing into pillows. Or a blanket. I'd love that. Lord knows when I'll get to that project though!
I hate to say it but I'm still really sad that my siblings are so disconnected from me. There's not much I can do to fix it this week, and I don't know if it will ever change. I know thats part of the reason why I'm not strong and I'm struggling to get through this house stuff. I don't know what to do to fix it yet. Darcy says pray on it; I do but that's like psych meds: it only works 40% of the time. I don't plan on giving up, but I find it difficult to put much hope into at this moment.
The garage is completely empty, by the way. We joked that it hadn't been like that since they week my parents moved into the freshly built house! Sadly, its the truth. But its so weird to see it empty. You can say not to dwell on things, but we just threw out the man's life. Into the dump. It wasn't savable stuff, but at the same time, it was his STUFF. I hope if I get older and have kids, own a house, and so on that my STUFF doesn't get thrown in the dump. I hope that I don't have a lot of STUFF to begin with. I need to downsize some of my stuff thats boxed up in the basement. I worked on it for 2 days, I have one more day of a few boxes to go through. The rest of it is my STUFF. I'm 35, I have STUFF. If someone thinks that because I've only rented for 10 years that I wouldn't have accumulated things, they are crazy. My one sister has an entire house full of STUFF. Moving for her someday will be a nightmare. And guess who's NOT helping?? :) I'm not going to extend that offer since it wasn't extended to me. In fact, nobody ask me to help them move....ever. I'm never doing it.
Hopefully when we move out of this house we can afford to hire movers because lugging the boxes from the basement around to the front is torture...its up hill coming out...and its all uneven grass. Ugh. Nightmare. And Its my stuff mostly, so Travis isn't thrilled about schlepping my shit to yet another holding tank. (Re: Apartment.)
I couldn't imagine moving across country! As much as I adore my family out there, I'm not sure I can do it because a) parents are buried here b) I want to sell real estate here and c) I'd have to move all my STUFF! So maybe lots of visits if I can make some good money someday.
I'm not sure how many more times I can possibly play "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift or "Shut Up And Dance" by Walk the Moon but I've probably got a record going. Where were these songs 10-15 years ago when I was young and in that part of the game?? :) I mean, I'm no Taylor Swift and certainly wasn't back then but that was sort of how I thought of dating. I always felt like it was this game, and I was on top of it. (HAHAHAHA couldn't be further from the truth, but thats a girl's ego for ya!) It brought back memories going through my boxes--finding all of this stuff from my first 2 jobs when I was young and dating and "partying" and playing the game. Young and reckless was a good way to put it. It seemed like I had blank space to write some of those names in. "Boys only want love if its torture" is kind of true at times. As for "Shut Up And Dance" thats just a catchy tune, reminds me of an 80's hit. And we all know the 80's were a happy time for us 30-somethings. That was before life was complicated. Plus it describes how I wish I could just find that special person and go out with them on and dance the cool summer night away and just laugh and have the best time of our lives. For that one night at least. Like, shut up, don't talk, just enjoy the moment. Live in the moment, be on the same page! I crave that sooooo much. Thats how I know that there isn't going to be a wedding, there isn't going to be a forever. We just aren't on the same page. Unless that changes, I can't do that. Even though my family loves him and he has been through some serious shit with me and my parents, I just don't think its meant to be forever. I'm just not happy. I feel like right now isn't the time to break up. Too many life changing things this year, you don't add to it purposely. At least I can't. Not only that, we are financially dependent on each other. We also just can't quit yet. It hasn't played its way all the way out yet. So, maybe next year? Who knows. I don't like changing my routine, but then again, what routine? A shitty one that I live every day hating? Makes me think.
This morning I had this flashback memory of the moment we realized back in January that the Packer's weren't going to the Super Bowl, and I cried. And my sister texted me saying she cried too. I remember my dad watching it saying "I don't believe it!" and then of course his phone call with his brother. *SIGH* (That was a big one.) It dissolves into tears. I hate these flashbacks. They seriously kill me. I've been having them since my mom died; for her and now even more for my dad. WTF? Is it like a way of torture? It's working! I had this vision when I was coming home last night from Whole Foods...I was driving past the pool and about to turn to get to my street...there will be a day when I won't go that way, and it won't be our house anymore. I won't have a reason to even be in that area really, other then to visit my friends on the street. I felt a serious 5 seconds of sheer panic. So when that day comes and we move and sell, there won't be any amount of $ that will take that melt down away. I will seriously melt down. It's going to be meltdown day. I'm going to need a serious batch of meds for that day. And originally, at the beginning of this whole death thing this year, I figured one way to combat this stress would be to run. It usually makes me feel better. And what am I doing? Sitting on my ass, on my laptop eating garlic bread and NOT running lol. My reason and logic is that it's storming, which it is. Pop up storms the rest of the night. I can't safely go do a run. So fine, no biggie. Maybe I can tomorrow night. Who knows.
Sorry Ruthie, I didn't run again this past week. Sorry Daddy, I had to throw out a lot of your stuff. Please forgive me!!!
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