I don't know what to say when I get on here, but I think of all of these things I want to say while I'm driving or at work!
I'm not sure whats wrong with me--I'm not able to function on a day to day basis without crying, becoming very frustrated in a short period of time, feeling like the world is against me, no one likes me, I'm lonely; pretty much I've done nothing with my life. I'm so depressed I DREAD getting out of bed. But I have to, I have a precious dog that I have to take out and another one as well.
I can barely make it through a work shift without wanting to cry or scream. I've managed. My emotions are all over the place; I'm financially FUCKED as usual because I'm living in this hell hole
of an apartment with of all people, Travis. At this point in my life I should be making more money,
have gone back to school, have better credit, bought a house and be with someone who wants to marry me. I have none of that, and only myself to blame. I sometimes blame others for bits and pieces of my problems, because they certainly didn't make it any easier. I don't know how to take charge of my life and be a grown up anymore. I relied on money to solve my problems and that failed miserably. I am irresponsible and unable to take care of myself.
People tell me to get over it, to stop being negative, that I'm a "good person" and all these easy solutions. Sorry its deeper than that. I'm overwhelmed with grief again! The one person who didn't judge me but would still tell it how it should be to me in just the right way died last year. I feel selfish for thinking this, but I feel like I got cheated again. Just take away my whole damn family! Just let everyone die huh? Just leave me to be alone and let me feel horrible everyday.
Now comes the part where I know I need to take some responsibility for this. I seem to have excuses for not helping myself. A lot of it stems from the shitty insurance that I have and the lack of money to go with it. I have to set up a goddamn payment plan for taxes because I couldn't afford to pay them back in 2017 for 2016. I have a ridiculous car payment and insurance. Apparently I'm a bad driver? When the fuck did that happen? Geezus christ. I can't even drive correctly.
I have issues with my siblings because they just can't get emotionally involved with any of this. Kelly tells me to get over it, because I have to, I can't let anything bother me! Its not worth it. Terri ignores me because she is really busy (I get that) and Ann has her own problems. So who is left? Mike? I can't burden him, Mary's mother just passed away, I can't lay some nonsense on him. I'm hurting so bad and I can't do my daily ADL's hardly. I probably should be in a legit hospital or rehab but I can't afford that like my niece who just had mommy and daddy bank roll that little fun trip.
The only thing keeping me from ending my crap life are my dogs and my sister Ann. I don't want to leave the dogs ever, I love them too much. But I haven't kept up with there vaccinations. I haven't got their up to date rabies shots. I'm afraid of taking them in for financial reasons and also if something is wrong with Tess I don't think I could handle it! I'm just so behind. I have a tooth that broke back in December, I was supposed to get the post put in and a crown and all this shit done and I haven't been able to for ..... you guessed it financial reasons.
So, for financial reason, shouldn't I just work more? Get a part time job? Something in that realm?
Much easier said then done. I have to be able to get out of bed first. My resume looks like shit, and I'm too emotionally fucked up to give 100% to anything else right now. So I guess I need to figure out what order of all of these things needs to be in.
I have a horrible sinus headache now, I need to shower and walk the dogs in this ghetto fucking neighborhood and risk having Bugsy get wild on me. Poor Tess she just wants to walk with me and no one else. All I want to do is sleep.
BUT NO. 3pm work.
So if I can just get through today I don't know what will come tomorrow. Probably more of this shit.
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Saturday, October 14, 2017
10/14/17
Great new song by Walk The Moon :)
I spoke with Aunt Beah yesterday!! When she called, she sounded a lot like Daddy right before he died; very tired and weary, yet still trying to be strong and get through the every day motions. She is so damn strong! I swear I would have quit by now. She says she has 2 more radiation treatments and the worst thing happened--her hair started falling out in huge clumps :( I think there's nothing worse than seeing a cancer riddled person get skinny, lose their hair, and look like crap. Its like a huge visual saying "I'm dying over here!" I told her through tears that I wanted to come see her and hug her. She said that she would love that. Breaks my heart, because I don't know if I can make that happen. She will find out soon what the prognosis is. *Sigh* I'm angry again...now this time at cancer. There's so much I want to talk to her about that I haven't had a chance to, this sucks. I don't want her suffering or feeling shitty, and I know she is. Her spirit seems great. But that only takes you so far before your body gives out. We all know that from watching my Dad.
I will be going to Mass in the morning then straight to work. I work Monday too and then I'm off Tuesday; I have a bunch of errands to run. And probably a nap--wait no, GYM! MUST GO! I think I'm just tired now from being at work so thats where that nap thing comes in haha.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Ummm, Hi October 2017?
I cannot believe its October 2017.
WHERE THE HELL DID SUMMER GO??! It is my favorite season! I miss the beach so much that even though I went last weekend, it wasn't even close to being enough. *sigh*
Keeping busy with work is helping to keep my mind of any kind of grief. So I guess that's a good thing. My Aunt Beah isn't doing well, apparently the cancer has spread to her brain and wherever else it can go. This is ridiculous! A woman who has been so strong and so perfect her whole life has to suffer with this. She reminds me so much of my father in that she fights and fights and doesn't quit, but eventually she will give in. I don't blame her, and I would probably do the exact same thing. Oddly I have been putting off calling her which is so fucked up. It may be because I'm afraid how she will sound, what she'll talk about, and if it is the last call I have with her. I want to remember her the way she was when she visited Maryland 2 years ago, or when I had a 3 hour conversation with her right after my Dad died.
This is something I just have to accept; I have a large family, I'm the youngest on both sides, and as humans we tend to not live forever. I'm forever grateful I reconnected with her in the past couple years. I know her and my Dad were always close but still up until the last decade they always had some disagreement. Gee, who does that sound like in 30 years? :) That's a fact of life when you have a lot of siblings. I'm still trying to make peace with the fact that our little clan isn't ever going to be the same again now that we are orphans.
I think that I am going to try yet again to get back in the gym and develop a routine. I've been going over some videos on youtube to jog my memory of what to do; I see people who do the "ab day" or the "leg day" and I'm questioning if thats the best for me, because Lord help me if I'm at work at my legs are killing me and I want to scream. No good. Speaking of work, it's starting to pick up and get busy again. Not every single day, but I definitely can see more and more sick folks coming in with the pre-cursers to flu and pna.
So back to the gym. It is very intimidating to change your eating habits at the same time you are establishing a workout routine to stick to; I'm not saying bring on the junk and crap food but if I empty out my kitchen (which is pretty bare!) and stock it with all healthy stuff. That's setting myself up for failure, so let me see if I can get a routine going for at least a week. If I can do 7 days I'll be quite proud of myself!
Ok.....7 days...begins in the AM.....
WHERE THE HELL DID SUMMER GO??! It is my favorite season! I miss the beach so much that even though I went last weekend, it wasn't even close to being enough. *sigh*
Keeping busy with work is helping to keep my mind of any kind of grief. So I guess that's a good thing. My Aunt Beah isn't doing well, apparently the cancer has spread to her brain and wherever else it can go. This is ridiculous! A woman who has been so strong and so perfect her whole life has to suffer with this. She reminds me so much of my father in that she fights and fights and doesn't quit, but eventually she will give in. I don't blame her, and I would probably do the exact same thing. Oddly I have been putting off calling her which is so fucked up. It may be because I'm afraid how she will sound, what she'll talk about, and if it is the last call I have with her. I want to remember her the way she was when she visited Maryland 2 years ago, or when I had a 3 hour conversation with her right after my Dad died.
This is something I just have to accept; I have a large family, I'm the youngest on both sides, and as humans we tend to not live forever. I'm forever grateful I reconnected with her in the past couple years. I know her and my Dad were always close but still up until the last decade they always had some disagreement. Gee, who does that sound like in 30 years? :) That's a fact of life when you have a lot of siblings. I'm still trying to make peace with the fact that our little clan isn't ever going to be the same again now that we are orphans.
I think that I am going to try yet again to get back in the gym and develop a routine. I've been going over some videos on youtube to jog my memory of what to do; I see people who do the "ab day" or the "leg day" and I'm questioning if thats the best for me, because Lord help me if I'm at work at my legs are killing me and I want to scream. No good. Speaking of work, it's starting to pick up and get busy again. Not every single day, but I definitely can see more and more sick folks coming in with the pre-cursers to flu and pna.
So back to the gym. It is very intimidating to change your eating habits at the same time you are establishing a workout routine to stick to; I'm not saying bring on the junk and crap food but if I empty out my kitchen (which is pretty bare!) and stock it with all healthy stuff. That's setting myself up for failure, so let me see if I can get a routine going for at least a week. If I can do 7 days I'll be quite proud of myself!
Ok.....7 days...begins in the AM.....
Sunday, June 4, 2017
June 4, 2017
Oh my. What a roller coaster of emotions in the past 2 months.
Jack walked on out me, broke up via text, while I was at work, with NO warning.
Blocked me from everything in his life. I can't begin to describe what that says.
I'm angry, I'm disrespected, I feel like a chump, I feel like I just got shit on. Used.
But I know that I'll get through this and I know that he is a psychopath that needs to get his
shit together. So not the right one for me. He treated me well when he was with me,
but I think he was either talking to someone else or is going back to Tracy. Whatever it may be,
our paths will cross and I'll make sure he know what he did to me. I may not be so nice.
I miss the hell out of my parents. We observed Memorial Day weekend last weekend, which i thoroughly enjoyed. Flags everywhere!
Work will be a challenge but in a good way I hope.
I need to improve some areas of my life, to make me a stronger, better person. I need to stay with The Lord and let him guide me.
There are moments when I want to just go to sleep and not wake up, but they pass very quickly and I'm ok. I'll be fine. I got knocked down, but I'm getting up. Fuck that asshole and his games. You
fucked with the wrong girl.
I have to keep the faith that I'll reach my destination and goals.
Jack walked on out me, broke up via text, while I was at work, with NO warning.
Blocked me from everything in his life. I can't begin to describe what that says.
I'm angry, I'm disrespected, I feel like a chump, I feel like I just got shit on. Used.
But I know that I'll get through this and I know that he is a psychopath that needs to get his
shit together. So not the right one for me. He treated me well when he was with me,
but I think he was either talking to someone else or is going back to Tracy. Whatever it may be,
our paths will cross and I'll make sure he know what he did to me. I may not be so nice.
I miss the hell out of my parents. We observed Memorial Day weekend last weekend, which i thoroughly enjoyed. Flags everywhere!
Work will be a challenge but in a good way I hope.
I need to improve some areas of my life, to make me a stronger, better person. I need to stay with The Lord and let him guide me.
There are moments when I want to just go to sleep and not wake up, but they pass very quickly and I'm ok. I'll be fine. I got knocked down, but I'm getting up. Fuck that asshole and his games. You
fucked with the wrong girl.
I have to keep the faith that I'll reach my destination and goals.
Thursday, May 25, 2017
May 2017
The last post I wrote in November, but accidentally didn't publish it until now.
So that awesome guy....never panned out to more than a couple times of week. He didn't want a relationship. So I figured that out and just enjoyed his company. I haven't seen him since maybe the beginning of April or so. He's so "busy" lol I just roll my eyes and say whatever. It was fun while it lasted.
I met someone else,well, reconnected. Everyone was shocked when they found it was Jack, since we didn't exactly end on good terms 5 years ago. But thats the current situation. While it scares the shit of me to be in a relationship, I do love it at the same time. I'm always scared. I think its the financial part that scares me, I don't want to end up back in the same position as I was last summer and fall...and winter...hell all the way until current.
I did forget to mention I did run the Marine Corps Marathon 10K last October 30, 2016. On my dad's birthday! It was the most fun I've ever had at a race. I definitely want to do it every year. I need to sign up soon for it, but as usual, my money is all gone. I hate this money situation :(
There's been a lot of thought of Ruthie and Daddy lately. I had my Confirmation at my church on Easter Vigil. Kelly, Mary, Mike and Terri came, Susan was my stand-in sponsor, and Aunt Beah was my official one. She sent me such a nice card, and a realllllllly nice white angel statue. It means so much to me that she sent that and all the nice things they wrote. I'm so happy they all came! Terri got me a really nice Bible and inscribed it like you would if you were giving it to a younger person in the traditional way. Seriously, just so sweet.
I'm feeling that anger and rage that they are gone still. It has come back and I feel tired, depressed, and in a fog. I don't know if it's the Clonazepam thats causing the fog, but sometimes I get this idea in my head that I can't face the emotions without taking it. Its not an every day thing, but I've relied on it a lot lately. I almost feel like if its not a nice day out, like today its raining and gross-I just want to sleep all day. I don't want to be coherent. I feel like if someone took that away from me, I'd be very angry and it would be like taking my safety net away from me. I don't tell anyone that I do this; I'm sure Travis knows what I do but he doesn't really care since he's dealing with his own stuff.
Jack is still new to this crazy rollercoaster of my life. He will learn soon how this is going to play out! I'm not a perfect adult that has it all under control in my head.
I would like to go to Women's Bible Study at church and help with the ASP trips, I think that will help me stay distracted in a good way. I still have dreams of coordinating a 5K race in my mom's honor.
I see all these people around me doing great things; buying houses, getting married, having babies, and I'm so far behind. I can only wait so long before having a baby. And I'm not even sure I'll ever get to, if I don't have this depression under control and my finances in better shape it would be cruel to have a child.
On a positive note, I have a full time position at Odenton Patient First (as a floor RN) and I NEVER NEVER NEVER have to go back to Columbia ever again!!!! I feel so good about that I can't even put it into words. No more bullshit with Kim Jung Ung, or w/e that dictator's name is. No more drama with the providers who like to be assholes. I will miss a great deal of the people there, but I had to do it. Peace Out!
I haven't run other than once or twice this whole year. The weather has sucked and I hate treadmill runs. No excuse, but thats just how its been. Plus I'm no where near my favorite lakes to run...
I'm really hoping I can move back to Columbia this fall; I miss it there. It will be closer to work. And all of the things I know and love and feel comfortable around.
I'm fighting a nap right now :( I don't want to cry. I don't want to think about sad things, but my go to is to ignore them. Push them away...pretend that I'm going to deal with it later. and then I don't and it just seeps in and I have to let it out or explode...my heart pounds and I go nuts basically. I doesn't last long, but long enough that it takes some time out of my day.
This interacts with my ability to focus on losing weight too. So I'm trying to brainstorm with some ideas of what to do in order to focus this sad energy into something worthy so that I can at least make a difference in someone else's life or improve mine.
I'm not going to give up, and I'm going to rely on my support system and keep on going! This too shall pass.
I miss my parents, I miss my family. I miss all those have gone to sleep in hopes of waking up in heaven.
So that awesome guy....never panned out to more than a couple times of week. He didn't want a relationship. So I figured that out and just enjoyed his company. I haven't seen him since maybe the beginning of April or so. He's so "busy" lol I just roll my eyes and say whatever. It was fun while it lasted.
I met someone else,well, reconnected. Everyone was shocked when they found it was Jack, since we didn't exactly end on good terms 5 years ago. But thats the current situation. While it scares the shit of me to be in a relationship, I do love it at the same time. I'm always scared. I think its the financial part that scares me, I don't want to end up back in the same position as I was last summer and fall...and winter...hell all the way until current.
I did forget to mention I did run the Marine Corps Marathon 10K last October 30, 2016. On my dad's birthday! It was the most fun I've ever had at a race. I definitely want to do it every year. I need to sign up soon for it, but as usual, my money is all gone. I hate this money situation :(
There's been a lot of thought of Ruthie and Daddy lately. I had my Confirmation at my church on Easter Vigil. Kelly, Mary, Mike and Terri came, Susan was my stand-in sponsor, and Aunt Beah was my official one. She sent me such a nice card, and a realllllllly nice white angel statue. It means so much to me that she sent that and all the nice things they wrote. I'm so happy they all came! Terri got me a really nice Bible and inscribed it like you would if you were giving it to a younger person in the traditional way. Seriously, just so sweet.
I'm feeling that anger and rage that they are gone still. It has come back and I feel tired, depressed, and in a fog. I don't know if it's the Clonazepam thats causing the fog, but sometimes I get this idea in my head that I can't face the emotions without taking it. Its not an every day thing, but I've relied on it a lot lately. I almost feel like if its not a nice day out, like today its raining and gross-I just want to sleep all day. I don't want to be coherent. I feel like if someone took that away from me, I'd be very angry and it would be like taking my safety net away from me. I don't tell anyone that I do this; I'm sure Travis knows what I do but he doesn't really care since he's dealing with his own stuff.
Jack is still new to this crazy rollercoaster of my life. He will learn soon how this is going to play out! I'm not a perfect adult that has it all under control in my head.
I would like to go to Women's Bible Study at church and help with the ASP trips, I think that will help me stay distracted in a good way. I still have dreams of coordinating a 5K race in my mom's honor.
I see all these people around me doing great things; buying houses, getting married, having babies, and I'm so far behind. I can only wait so long before having a baby. And I'm not even sure I'll ever get to, if I don't have this depression under control and my finances in better shape it would be cruel to have a child.
On a positive note, I have a full time position at Odenton Patient First (as a floor RN) and I NEVER NEVER NEVER have to go back to Columbia ever again!!!! I feel so good about that I can't even put it into words. No more bullshit with Kim Jung Ung, or w/e that dictator's name is. No more drama with the providers who like to be assholes. I will miss a great deal of the people there, but I had to do it. Peace Out!
I haven't run other than once or twice this whole year. The weather has sucked and I hate treadmill runs. No excuse, but thats just how its been. Plus I'm no where near my favorite lakes to run...
I'm really hoping I can move back to Columbia this fall; I miss it there. It will be closer to work. And all of the things I know and love and feel comfortable around.
I'm fighting a nap right now :( I don't want to cry. I don't want to think about sad things, but my go to is to ignore them. Push them away...pretend that I'm going to deal with it later. and then I don't and it just seeps in and I have to let it out or explode...my heart pounds and I go nuts basically. I doesn't last long, but long enough that it takes some time out of my day.
This interacts with my ability to focus on losing weight too. So I'm trying to brainstorm with some ideas of what to do in order to focus this sad energy into something worthy so that I can at least make a difference in someone else's life or improve mine.
I'm not going to give up, and I'm going to rely on my support system and keep on going! This too shall pass.
I miss my parents, I miss my family. I miss all those have gone to sleep in hopes of waking up in heaven.
Overdue, No More!!
I realize it's been since April that I've written in here. And its now mid-November! But what do you expect from the procrastinating queen of the tristate area?
Little summary of summer. SO SAD to see it go. I hate fall and winter, it gives me automatic anxiety. I do love the weather, the football, all of that. But I HATE the Christmas music, the decorations, presents, music, did I mention music? I digress.
I finished my real estate test and license. Kelly didn't even bother to talk to me about it since she was buying a house. Im sorry, but thats really fucked up. But its too late now; they found a nice house that they like and are happy. But believe me, it shows me that they have zero faith in me, which really hurts. I could have really jumpstarted my career that way. I have to come to the realization that she is going to do whatever she wants to do and it doesn't matter who she hurts or considers. I could have definitely found her a house. And she in typical Kelly fashion didn't want to talk about it and immediately got defensive about it. I give up on that nonsense. So as of now, I'm not actively working as a REA, but hopefully I can next year.
Spent most of August looking for an apartment, was going to have my friend Jen move in with us but she brought her mother with every time we'd go look and it was really awkward. Nothing as up to her standards. So I settled on the one I'm in now. Its far from perfect, but I like the inside of it a lot, so I'm happy.
Moving out was MISERABLE. I have a lot of stuff. I'm 36, it happens. I'm not a 20 year old anymore, so anyone who wants to judge me can really go fuck off. I'll get a storage unit if necessary.
I've been working almost full time hours at Patient First thanks to other centers who welcome me when they need to fill shifts. I'm hoping for full time by next summer.
Travis has been having a rough time lately, and he's driving me nuts. I'm just trying to maintain my own sanity, and he's driving me nuts in the process. He is getting the help he needs at the moment.
I need a roommate soon, and I put some feelers out. I need to make sure bills are paid each month. Can't be having that drama.
I met a really sweet, smart, funny, and awesome guy....
Little summary of summer. SO SAD to see it go. I hate fall and winter, it gives me automatic anxiety. I do love the weather, the football, all of that. But I HATE the Christmas music, the decorations, presents, music, did I mention music? I digress.
I finished my real estate test and license. Kelly didn't even bother to talk to me about it since she was buying a house. Im sorry, but thats really fucked up. But its too late now; they found a nice house that they like and are happy. But believe me, it shows me that they have zero faith in me, which really hurts. I could have really jumpstarted my career that way. I have to come to the realization that she is going to do whatever she wants to do and it doesn't matter who she hurts or considers. I could have definitely found her a house. And she in typical Kelly fashion didn't want to talk about it and immediately got defensive about it. I give up on that nonsense. So as of now, I'm not actively working as a REA, but hopefully I can next year.
Spent most of August looking for an apartment, was going to have my friend Jen move in with us but she brought her mother with every time we'd go look and it was really awkward. Nothing as up to her standards. So I settled on the one I'm in now. Its far from perfect, but I like the inside of it a lot, so I'm happy.
Moving out was MISERABLE. I have a lot of stuff. I'm 36, it happens. I'm not a 20 year old anymore, so anyone who wants to judge me can really go fuck off. I'll get a storage unit if necessary.
I've been working almost full time hours at Patient First thanks to other centers who welcome me when they need to fill shifts. I'm hoping for full time by next summer.
Travis has been having a rough time lately, and he's driving me nuts. I'm just trying to maintain my own sanity, and he's driving me nuts in the process. He is getting the help he needs at the moment.
I need a roommate soon, and I put some feelers out. I need to make sure bills are paid each month. Can't be having that drama.
I met a really sweet, smart, funny, and awesome guy....
Saturday, April 23, 2016
The Latest and Greatest
It has been awhile since I've written here. There's a lot to write about! I don't even know where to begin :)
Good things happening: I'm half way through my real estate pre-licensing class. I'm only working 1 weekend a month at Patient First. The bills are getting paid. I'm seeing Jill Hull; I'm taking my meds, and I'm finding it easier to handle the grief due to the Grief-Share group I'm attending. I also booked my flight and planned our trip to Wisconsin in June.
Not so good things happening: Travis has been really sick. He had to have his gall bladder out, and spent 4 days at HoCoGen. Every time I go there it gets harder and harder. So many memories and thoughts. While they had him open, they did a liver biopsy; when we went to his follow up with the surgeon, we were told that there was a lot of scar tissue in his liver, which is pointing towards Cirrhosis. And we all know what that evil disease is. I mean, shit, he's only 31 1/2. I can't believe that this is happening. It's not written in stone yet, we have another appt with another dr this week. We need to get a plan and some answers and know what we're looking at. If it really means hardcore cirrhosis, that will be devastating. He's too young for this. My heart sank, and all I could think was my poor love, what a shitty thing to be facing so young. We're not even married yet! We don't have kids, I don't know if thats in the cards now. But I guess putting the horse before the cart is no good, so I'm trying to think positively.
I wanted to go to California in May to see my mom's side of the family; her brother-in-law, Uncle Bill, passed away 2 weeks ago. My aunt Grace is now widowed. I feel sad for her and my cousins. My cousin Perry is getting married at the end of June, and it would have been so great to have his dad with them. But I guess life doesn't always work out for the way you want it to. RIP Uncle Bill, you were an amazing person. So getting back to the going part, I'm schedule to take ACLS at work the 2 days before the day of my cousin's fiance's party, and taking a red-eye to Sacremento that night is just not in the cards. The whole point was for me to come out a little early and help my cousin Krista get everything ready. I'm so pissed. So when I go to work tomorrow, I'll see what the wicked bitch of the west says about me rescheduling; she gave me some bullshit lecture about treating them like a shift and blah blah. Go fuck yourself, seriously. SERIOUSLY. I hate her guts. Go die. You dictatormotherfucker. I hate that women. She has never once shown an ounce of compassion or caring for me, and I know she hates my guts. Well fuck her and horse she rode in on. My family is more important. I'm hoping to take the PSI (Real Estate license exam) to get my actual license around the end of May or first part of June. Then I expect to get a job with a broker and go diving in head first into this new career. I want to give it all I got, I want to be successful and I want to make it my money-maker. I want to be able to support myself and a family on this salary. I want to live comfortably, buy a house somewhere ( I still have no clue where), have rental properties, maybe a few flips, all sorts of branching. I want to make an honest living that puts me in the upper class bracket. It will take a lot of time and hard work and many other cliche terms, but if I can do it then I feel like I will have accomplished my dream. My dream doesn't consist of riding on the coattails of my husband, watching him work his ass off not even at home most of the time to support 5 kids by 3 different fathers and a fatass wife who thinks writing e-books and playing photographer is some sort of accomplishment. Give me a fucking camera, I'll take pictures better than you any day. Its not just about your lighting and fancy shit, its about the emotion, the sites, the background, the meaning of the photo you capture. Please, my last name is Eastman. Enough said.
So anyway. My sister Kelly isn't speaking to me, she's ignoring me, and she tells Terri she misses Tessie. Not me. Its because I've had some mental breakdown issues and she has no clue what its like, and doesn't think helping me or doing any favors for me is in her relm of support. So fine, then choose to ignore me, I wasn't planning on doing that but if thats what floats your boat, 2 can play at the game. The phone works both ways. You can apologize and be the bigger person since you are 16 years older than me. But never mind that. It will settle over time. My brother Mark its making a long time to get this money distributed. I'm depending on that as my contribution to the income this year. I've gotta get my new career off and running by next January or I'll be screwed. And I don't want that happening.
So again, rather then marrying someone to support me, I'll gladly support myself an my husband if necessary. He's free to advance his career or change it or whatever.
On to my Grief-Share group. Its amazing. The people who dreamt this up are saints. We gather in a church, because it is spiritually-based; but for the most part its just that we all related to one thing in the group--LOSS. We hug, we share memories, we pray for each other, we feel that deep sadness the group members feel. We share our feelings; we watch a video each time, discuss some stuff from it. Its just enough of an outlet watch week to channel the emotions into. It comes with a work book, which I've been neglecting often due to my excuse of studying for my class.
My Aunt Beah sent me "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Its wonderful. Her and Uncle Fred read it every day; each day correspondents with it, and I swear some of the days it is spot on. It references Bible verses and scripture. Since Travis and I have joined the RIAC group at St Johns Espicopal Roman Catholic Church. We go every Sunday for class. We are hoping to have Communion and for Travis, I think baptism. I've had that already. We both want to make communion. I would like to be part of the church and so on. It really is enlightening and I feel at home; this was my dad's church while he lived in Maryland. My brother's worked jobs the meeting houses setting up chairs and other stuff when they were in HS and college. My dad attended up until about 3 years or so before he died. My Aunt Beah was so thrilled to know that I am going back and she told me my Dad would be so proud of me and happy. So I must do this, I want to to do this. It helps me feel more in touch with my spiritual side, which in turn make me a well rounded person. Believing in God and Jesus is a tremendous help.
On that note...
Monday I'm starting back to a very restrictive eating plan with some specific exercise everyday, EVERYDAY. EV-ERY DAAAAY. Its time I get back on track; I was at my lowest in January during the blizzard, 167. Only 12lbs from my goal weight. Then I went back on meds and stopped working 6 days a week and I've gained some back. I don't like it, and its just going to get out of control. So time for Sara to get her shit together. The weather is warming up, so lots of opportunities to run outdoors....sign up for the marine corps marathon 10K. My goal.
I miss my Dad and Mom every day; I still have a whole in my heart. Their legacy cannot be forgotten. I'll get back out there. Life will not just go on without them. They existed. Last year at this time, my father still existed. I miss the hell out of him. It's still painful, its still incredibly hard to think that the strongest man I ever knew got too weak and was called to Heaven. Amazing. I miss my Mom too, I wish she hadn't gotten sick so I could talk to her about adult things. *sigh* All I can do is hope they are proud of me and will help guide me through this nightmare/life without them.
I don't think RAGBRAI is happening this summer. I don't think I can physically do it this year. I want to do it in my lifetime, especially with my cousins.
So lots of uncertainty coming our way; I just pray that my dogs and my family and loved ones stay safe and healthy. My niece is struggling and it breaks my heart to see her go through all of that. I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat. My sister is doing her best to manage it, but eventually it wares you down. I pray she has the strength and knowledge to get through this with her.
I pray that Travis gets decent results and we can get through whatever comes his way. I love him too much to see it go down like this.
And finally I pray for Tessie and Bugsy, for health and especially Tess. she's 11 1/2. I loved and cherish every day with her. My special Pooh Bear.
Well I have to get up at a reasonable hour for church tomorrow; especially since there is triathlon in the immediate neighborhood. And after church, I have to work at 3pm. Uhhhhh. the next 3 weekends. WTF. What a sneaky bitch. See above comment.
Wish me luck Monday. I've got 2 months until Wisconsin and I want to fit int my current wardrobe without issue. Without muffin tops. that means back to VGS Diet. I can do this, its app psychological. Looking at the goal vs. the bad stuff. Which wins?? Goal does. I'll be keeping that in mind. I'm not making posters and charts and rewards and all that bullshit, just going to DO IT.
Well Ruthie, I miss you more then you'll ever know. Bobbie, I know you're watching down and I hope I can make you proud. I love you so much. I miss you incredibly too much. If I could have you both back, whole and healthy, I'd never ask for another thing in my life again. I love you guys.
https://youtu.be/aDHxhhB8710
Good things happening: I'm half way through my real estate pre-licensing class. I'm only working 1 weekend a month at Patient First. The bills are getting paid. I'm seeing Jill Hull; I'm taking my meds, and I'm finding it easier to handle the grief due to the Grief-Share group I'm attending. I also booked my flight and planned our trip to Wisconsin in June.
Not so good things happening: Travis has been really sick. He had to have his gall bladder out, and spent 4 days at HoCoGen. Every time I go there it gets harder and harder. So many memories and thoughts. While they had him open, they did a liver biopsy; when we went to his follow up with the surgeon, we were told that there was a lot of scar tissue in his liver, which is pointing towards Cirrhosis. And we all know what that evil disease is. I mean, shit, he's only 31 1/2. I can't believe that this is happening. It's not written in stone yet, we have another appt with another dr this week. We need to get a plan and some answers and know what we're looking at. If it really means hardcore cirrhosis, that will be devastating. He's too young for this. My heart sank, and all I could think was my poor love, what a shitty thing to be facing so young. We're not even married yet! We don't have kids, I don't know if thats in the cards now. But I guess putting the horse before the cart is no good, so I'm trying to think positively.
I wanted to go to California in May to see my mom's side of the family; her brother-in-law, Uncle Bill, passed away 2 weeks ago. My aunt Grace is now widowed. I feel sad for her and my cousins. My cousin Perry is getting married at the end of June, and it would have been so great to have his dad with them. But I guess life doesn't always work out for the way you want it to. RIP Uncle Bill, you were an amazing person. So getting back to the going part, I'm schedule to take ACLS at work the 2 days before the day of my cousin's fiance's party, and taking a red-eye to Sacremento that night is just not in the cards. The whole point was for me to come out a little early and help my cousin Krista get everything ready. I'm so pissed. So when I go to work tomorrow, I'll see what the wicked bitch of the west says about me rescheduling; she gave me some bullshit lecture about treating them like a shift and blah blah. Go fuck yourself, seriously. SERIOUSLY. I hate her guts. Go die. You dictatormotherfucker. I hate that women. She has never once shown an ounce of compassion or caring for me, and I know she hates my guts. Well fuck her and horse she rode in on. My family is more important. I'm hoping to take the PSI (Real Estate license exam) to get my actual license around the end of May or first part of June. Then I expect to get a job with a broker and go diving in head first into this new career. I want to give it all I got, I want to be successful and I want to make it my money-maker. I want to be able to support myself and a family on this salary. I want to live comfortably, buy a house somewhere ( I still have no clue where), have rental properties, maybe a few flips, all sorts of branching. I want to make an honest living that puts me in the upper class bracket. It will take a lot of time and hard work and many other cliche terms, but if I can do it then I feel like I will have accomplished my dream. My dream doesn't consist of riding on the coattails of my husband, watching him work his ass off not even at home most of the time to support 5 kids by 3 different fathers and a fatass wife who thinks writing e-books and playing photographer is some sort of accomplishment. Give me a fucking camera, I'll take pictures better than you any day. Its not just about your lighting and fancy shit, its about the emotion, the sites, the background, the meaning of the photo you capture. Please, my last name is Eastman. Enough said.
So anyway. My sister Kelly isn't speaking to me, she's ignoring me, and she tells Terri she misses Tessie. Not me. Its because I've had some mental breakdown issues and she has no clue what its like, and doesn't think helping me or doing any favors for me is in her relm of support. So fine, then choose to ignore me, I wasn't planning on doing that but if thats what floats your boat, 2 can play at the game. The phone works both ways. You can apologize and be the bigger person since you are 16 years older than me. But never mind that. It will settle over time. My brother Mark its making a long time to get this money distributed. I'm depending on that as my contribution to the income this year. I've gotta get my new career off and running by next January or I'll be screwed. And I don't want that happening.
So again, rather then marrying someone to support me, I'll gladly support myself an my husband if necessary. He's free to advance his career or change it or whatever.
On to my Grief-Share group. Its amazing. The people who dreamt this up are saints. We gather in a church, because it is spiritually-based; but for the most part its just that we all related to one thing in the group--LOSS. We hug, we share memories, we pray for each other, we feel that deep sadness the group members feel. We share our feelings; we watch a video each time, discuss some stuff from it. Its just enough of an outlet watch week to channel the emotions into. It comes with a work book, which I've been neglecting often due to my excuse of studying for my class.
My Aunt Beah sent me "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Its wonderful. Her and Uncle Fred read it every day; each day correspondents with it, and I swear some of the days it is spot on. It references Bible verses and scripture. Since Travis and I have joined the RIAC group at St Johns Espicopal Roman Catholic Church. We go every Sunday for class. We are hoping to have Communion and for Travis, I think baptism. I've had that already. We both want to make communion. I would like to be part of the church and so on. It really is enlightening and I feel at home; this was my dad's church while he lived in Maryland. My brother's worked jobs the meeting houses setting up chairs and other stuff when they were in HS and college. My dad attended up until about 3 years or so before he died. My Aunt Beah was so thrilled to know that I am going back and she told me my Dad would be so proud of me and happy. So I must do this, I want to to do this. It helps me feel more in touch with my spiritual side, which in turn make me a well rounded person. Believing in God and Jesus is a tremendous help.
On that note...
Monday I'm starting back to a very restrictive eating plan with some specific exercise everyday, EVERYDAY. EV-ERY DAAAAY. Its time I get back on track; I was at my lowest in January during the blizzard, 167. Only 12lbs from my goal weight. Then I went back on meds and stopped working 6 days a week and I've gained some back. I don't like it, and its just going to get out of control. So time for Sara to get her shit together. The weather is warming up, so lots of opportunities to run outdoors....sign up for the marine corps marathon 10K. My goal.
I miss my Dad and Mom every day; I still have a whole in my heart. Their legacy cannot be forgotten. I'll get back out there. Life will not just go on without them. They existed. Last year at this time, my father still existed. I miss the hell out of him. It's still painful, its still incredibly hard to think that the strongest man I ever knew got too weak and was called to Heaven. Amazing. I miss my Mom too, I wish she hadn't gotten sick so I could talk to her about adult things. *sigh* All I can do is hope they are proud of me and will help guide me through this nightmare/life without them.
I don't think RAGBRAI is happening this summer. I don't think I can physically do it this year. I want to do it in my lifetime, especially with my cousins.
So lots of uncertainty coming our way; I just pray that my dogs and my family and loved ones stay safe and healthy. My niece is struggling and it breaks my heart to see her go through all of that. I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat. My sister is doing her best to manage it, but eventually it wares you down. I pray she has the strength and knowledge to get through this with her.
I pray that Travis gets decent results and we can get through whatever comes his way. I love him too much to see it go down like this.
And finally I pray for Tessie and Bugsy, for health and especially Tess. she's 11 1/2. I loved and cherish every day with her. My special Pooh Bear.
Well I have to get up at a reasonable hour for church tomorrow; especially since there is triathlon in the immediate neighborhood. And after church, I have to work at 3pm. Uhhhhh. the next 3 weekends. WTF. What a sneaky bitch. See above comment.
Wish me luck Monday. I've got 2 months until Wisconsin and I want to fit int my current wardrobe without issue. Without muffin tops. that means back to VGS Diet. I can do this, its app psychological. Looking at the goal vs. the bad stuff. Which wins?? Goal does. I'll be keeping that in mind. I'm not making posters and charts and rewards and all that bullshit, just going to DO IT.
Well Ruthie, I miss you more then you'll ever know. Bobbie, I know you're watching down and I hope I can make you proud. I love you so much. I miss you incredibly too much. If I could have you both back, whole and healthy, I'd never ask for another thing in my life again. I love you guys.
https://youtu.be/aDHxhhB8710
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