Looking Back on 2015...part 1

When "2015" comes to mind, I just sigh and go "uggggh." Obviously from the things I've written one would gather it wasn't the most warm and fuzzy year for me. With that being said, it wasn't all bad, there were some good parts.

Good things:

My mother was called to Heaven and leg go of her suffering.
I was able to have a surgery that provided me with the tool to lose weight and keep from gaining.
Travis became close to my Dad.
I discovered some new music that I love <3
I met some cool people.
I learned how strong I can be.
I started running again. (Although....I sorta haven't in a bit.....)
I got a bike and will be joining my cousins next summer in Iowa!
I learned that I'm worthy of someone who loves me
I attended therapy sessions that I learned a lot from
I reconnected with both sides of my family
I learned a lot about my parents younger days
I felt a lot of love when we had my their funerals
I quit a crappy job, and started a much better one
I learned that if I want something, anything at all, I have to make it happen, it doesn't come to me
I've learned to grieve without it ruining my life and dragging me down to the point of not functioning
I have planned for some awesome things to happen in 2016 and beyond.

I'm not going to talk about the "bad" things just yet but I know I will feel better about getting it out of my system. Maybe sometime soon. Right now, I have to take the advice of my grief counselor and that is 1) Relax, let things pan out the way they are going to pan out. 2) When something else seems to become a huge problem, it means that the other things that were what you thought were huge problems are now things you can handle and have control over....so now you have something new to "conquer." Basically, God isn't going to give me anything I can't handle. Its HOW you handle it that matters the most. I can choose to be depressed ALL the time, I can choose to not be active and to feel sorry for myself, or I can be active and socialize and try new things.

So my goals are to do exactly that. Take my own advice here! I need to log more miles for Ruthie, and hopefully I can start the biking portion for my Dad at some point too.

The reality is I'm going to have a lot of sad moments, days, times, and feelings. It's not going to end anytime soon. I guess its how I choose to handle them that really matter. At some point, hiding in bed crying isn't going to be the best solution....

"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive..." 

--Florence and the Machine

Holidays Suck

Oh its one those days...I haven't had a good cry in a while.  I just watched the video I took of my Dad's ceremony last month; listened to the words that were spoken, watched the flag being presented to Terri. It's oddly comforting, yet so depressing and sad to lose him.

I feel like I didn't get to share certain things with him---a good laugh, a good cry that was mutual, a proud moment, a loving and kind moment. I feel cheated out of this. I feel like I should have tried harder to have these. I feel like why didn't he want to have them with me?

I am having a hard time with the fact that just a year ago they were both here, sick as they were, they were here in the flesh. I could at least see them. Now they are but dust in the ground. I am so sad. I miss them terribly. Its sos final, there are NO MORE memories that I get to make with them. They don't get to be a part of my every day life anymore. I can only hope they are watching from Heaven, and even that's not a given--who knows if thats even how it works in this universe. I tell myself that's how it is probably just to ease the pain of this loss.

I still cannot believe my dad is gone. Seriously? How? Is it real? Will I wake up from a dream? Will this all be a dream??? No. Its not. This is real life, and it sucks sometimes.

And its not even like they died under crazy tragic circumstances--no trauma, no accidents, no murders, just regular aging, diseased, death. But having looked back on their lives, realizing how simple yet meaningful they were to me and my siblings makes it just as traumatic to me. You only have one set of parents, no matter how you lose them, its hard.  And with the holidays and the anniversary of my mom's death/my birthday coming up, I'm just not looking forward to any of it. I want it all to fly by. I want to rush this whole next 6? months. I want to fast forward a little. And winter being here, thats definitely not fun. I'm not looking forward to the shitty weather and dark days. Spring and summer are what I prefer.

I know one day I'll be reunited with them, and I'll have all sorts of things to tell them and share with them. And if its like how I think it is, they'll already know about it, but I'll get to tell them. My spirit in Heaven will reunite, and it will be beautiful and amazing. Thats what I'm counting on, so I hope my God will make this happen.

Negativity? Whaaa?

Ahhhh. A long week is over.

It sucked!

I broke up with the better half. Well, we still live together. We have no choice. Thats life. Everyone says that its bad to do this, but I'm the one who has to live it, not them. So sorry not sorry, we're staying in the apartment at least until I get my inheritance.

With that being said, its just one more thing to add to the list of Shitty 2015. I'm pissed because someone stated I was a negative person in a situation that I feel I am not. So I have to improve that.
If you know me, you know that I'm just as negative as the next person, but nothing or less. that's called being human. I lost my parents, Aunt, a relationship, a house, and other issues. Sorry I'm not Susie Sunshine all the time at work. I'll do my best. Thats all I can do.

Still having flash backs; still crying each day; soldiering on and getting through is all I can do. I'm lonely and and bored a lot, but I'm too depressed to do something. Which sucks, I have bike riding to do, and so on. I will get to it. I'm not going to let the "negativity" drag me down lol.

So even though I have made it clear my feelings, its still shitty because I see the hurt, I see the confusion, I get it. But someone had to do it. I'll just leave it at that.

Sorry Daddy, you're idea that I'd marry him isn't coming to fruition. My Aunt will be sad too! I'm sorry.

This is when I would need my mom. She could at least help me through this when she was in her right mind and not sick.  *sigh* I miss them both so damn much. So many memories, reminders, so many "I can't believe that happened!" So much of that.  Grieving is hard work.

I feel like if I free myself from the "negativity" or the things that are weighing me down, maybe I'll feel better. I can find new friends, and I can find what I need and want. I can't help it, its my life and I want to be happy. If I can't have my parents, then fuck it I want to be happy.

Ok I'm just rambling now...

Lets get on with the holidays please. There's several stations on XM that play Xmas music already. It reminds me of my mom. I can't ever listen to it probably not until I have kids. Its like hell.
BAH HUMBUG!!!

New Direction For The "Blog"

"If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less, keep me in your heart for a while." Warron Zevon

I was unsure of what direction I wanted this writing to go in--should it be my opinions, detailed life, down to the last name and quote, or should I keep it more about the general feelings and struggle? I think I'll chose the later. I don't want to offend anyone. I would like other people to see this and read about the struggle that is very real of a recovering care-taker who is still grieving and lost.

I don't even know where to begin. I'll cut and past parts of some previous posts so that this is cohesive and make some sense, flowing more in order then not....but I am by no means a writer. I don't go to school for it, I'm not formal, the most I know is some grammar...and thats pushing it. Mostly its just ideas and feelings and opinions all jumbled into a few paragraphs. So maybe along the way I'll make progress towards being a better writer. I know when I go back to school that's a given--lots of writing...and it will have to be better or I'm not going to pass :)

OK. Onward.

At this point, my grief is really having a way with me. Mostly just during downtime--this occurs when I'm sitting at home waiting to go to work. Or when I'm off, driving around town, running errands, going through boxes of stuff since we just moved. Today it must have happened no less than 10 times. Once or twice a few tears came, but I'm moved on and kept doing the task at hand. I even stopped at Pamplona to check on it.  Let me tell you, seeing the house you grew up in very empty and    just alone is saddening. It used to be filled with tons and tons of stuff. And now, its empty. Bob and Ruth's house is officially empty. I want to sell it, and move on...keep on moving seems to be the only way I can handle this situation. The more time I have to think about it makes it worse.

With this all being said, there is the component of missing my Mom and Dad and how different it is with each of them. There are similarities. I feel so f-ing cheated with my Mom because she suffered so greatly with something she didn't ask for and was cheated out of at good solid 4 years or more of her life that she could have enjoyed more. My dad was sick, he had accomplished a lot in his life. He knew that the smoking is what did it to him, and he said that on numerous occasions, and he made peace with that part. My mom couldn't make peace with a f-ing thing, unless she did it in her own mind; I know she had no memory and her brain changed, but I think she had time to think about it while she was getting to the end.

There is a family component to all of this that has been a roller coaster at least for me. I'll leave it at that.

We had my Dad's burial service on his birthday, 10/30. Ann and Andrea attended and visited for a few days. The service was beautiful. I recorded all of it. I read a poem at the burial site, played music. We were pleasantly surprised that my Mom's stone had come in and was there. My dad is just to the left of her. I need to get out there and visit more, but lately it hasn't been in the cards lately. Soon I'll be there more often. Flowers, decorations and all those good things.

The sadness for me comes from not only just not being able to talk to them in the flesh, ask them questions, physically touch them, but the fact their life is over. There's nothing left. I HOPE they are in Heaven, I hope they are watching down on us. I pray they are because without that, then....I just don't understand this crazy world. Where would you go? Your spirit that is. Why wouldn't it be something magical, watching your loved ones from Heaven? Thats what I'm hoping otherwise what in the hell do I have to look forward to???

I keep flashing back to the day of my Mom's funeral. There are more things I wish I could have been able to say when I had my chance. I have these memories of it, holding Aunt Susie's hand and singing silently "Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What A Wonderful World" with her. I will always cherish that, and Travis was with me on the other side holding my hand. I smiled as a sung, because I knew she would be smiling.

With my dad, I sang silently along to "Landslide" by Stevie Knicks/Fleetwood Mac. I picked it because it was something I had heard when I was about 14 or 15 and it became popular off of their live album, and also by the Smashing Pumpkins and it just reminded me of him. I think we had been having some squabbles at the time, you know, a hormonal teenager growing up. I remember walking Duncan on the bike path and listening to it thinking, someday, I'd play this at his funeral. I remember after all those years.

I know that I am ultimately responsible for taking care of myself after this as far as therapy goes, so I'm going to try to get on that more. I have an appt with my Gilcrest therapist on 11/25 so I'm gearing up with what to talk about and questions to ask. I'm trying to journal here and there (on paper) and see if that helps. More of the personal things, stuff I wouldn't put on here because it isn't appropriate.

If I had to say one year ago today that I'd be in this position, I wouldn't know what to say. I figured I'd be at home on Pamplona with the routine of taking care of my Dad.

If I had to say this was my sole calling in life then so be it, at least i made a difference in my parent's lives and I can rest easier knowing that they were loved and cherished by all of us kids above and beyond.

Love you Daddy, Love you Mommy. Happy belated 85th Daddy! Happy Belated Veteran's Day! Semper Fi! 

Its getting real now!

Wow what a week...or 2 or 3.
Working full time, trying to pack up a 5 bedroom house to fit into an apartment is no joke. So immediately its survival mode--no exercise, stress eating, snuggling with dogs, and no spending money.

Tomorrow we rent the uhaul and start loading; we have to truck until Tuesday. So I think we'll get it all done. I'm so over this working every day of the week lol...I stand for almost 6 hours or more a day even though my shift is only about 7 hours. Its non-stop standing and going back and forth. I really need to invest in some decent Nike's. They are the best for what I'm doing--I remember back to those days of standing a lot!! I hated it! But the trade off is that its not so so bad, like I thought it was going to be during training. The training was way crazy, and not at all what I thought the job would be. There are some things that I'm not completely confident in; and I'm sure because I'm working with the least personable person tomorrow that I''ll probably be ready to kill her or me or both of us by 3. Probably 11am. Who knows. I'm going to try myself to win her over as far as this cold as ice exterior she gives me. Sunday and Monday I'm off and packing/moving. We got the truck money squared away, so thank god, or we'd be using the Tacoma!

I know that it will be emotional coming up in the next couple weeks until after my family leaves. It will be great when they get here and we get through the burial service and I can enjoy their company for a few days before heading back to work. Hopefully we can get the apt squared away so that we're not living in box hell for weeks at a time too. I want to start spinning class this fall so I can get the biking thing. That is my goal.

So Ruthie, and Daddy, we're getting there....slowly but surely. I still have big plans for the future!!!

Therapy.

We've been going to therapy at Gilchrest Hospice in Columbia. We had them for mommy, so we are entitled to free sessions. So Terri and I've gone 3 times. I want to get the most of it, so I'm going to try to write something things that I want to discuss. Thats the hardest part. Remember what to say and how to get every minute of worthiness out of it.

I feel so cheated, I remember being with her at the end; I remember thinking I would be relieved it was over, but so fucking beyond pissed and angry that it just happened---that ALL of it happened- to my mother. My beautiful amazing brave and special mother.

I remember shopping for something to wear for the funeral; I couldn't find a damn thing. I remember picking the music out with Terri. I remember seeing her for the last time. Walking out of the room crying, but also feeling the weight lifted. I remember telling Mary I loved her so much and that I was so glad she was a part of our family and hugging her.  We hadn't really had a moment like that ever.
The sun came out too as we walked out to the parking lot.

I couldn't process the first night in my life without my mom. I remember having this nauseated feeling come over me, I felt strangely sick.  I had to all Travis back into the room, I was so alone. I wanted to cry, but i wanted to sleep. I wanted to just...be. I wanted her back, I want her to be in Heaven. I wanted to see my sister Ann, she would be coming in a couple days. I wanted to tell the world "She's gone! My mom is gone! My mom died!" I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to just fall apart. But all I could do was sleep. I was concerned about my dad. He was so sad, so sick and so exhausted. I wanted to hug him. But he wasn't a hugger. Maybe I should have just tried. He did open up to Travis a lot though in the upcoming months.

I remember writing my speech.  I rewrote it 4 times, finally making it just what I wanted. I could have spoke for 30 minutes if I was allowed. I had so much to say.

I remember how cold it was. That bone chilling cold air. February was not very forgiving. We had her service on Valentine's day. I eulogized my mother on Valentine's day, the day of love. I've never loved someone as much as her. My dad maybe, they're equal. So it was fitting. Sending our love up to Heaven on a day that Love was in the air.

I remember after that weekend was over and we dropped Ann at the airport and hung out with Aunt Karen and Uncle David in DC that my surgery was about to come up. It happened the weekend after we had my mom's funeral. My poor dad was so worried when we drove home in the snow. It was bad weather. he called me like every 15 minutes. I didn't mind. It took us 4 hours to drive 40 minutes. Then him and I spent the week at home together; grieving every night; "I miss the little woman!" I would make him dinner and eat with him. I was on my fresh-post op diet so I was limited. We shared that time together, I'll always remember it. During the day he'd ask from his recliner "You ok Sara?" He really cared and was concerned. I'll treasure that forever.

Flashbacks to my dad mowing the lawn 15-20 years ago on a sunny day; him coming up on the deck and coming in to get water.

Shopping with my mom. Before she was sick.

My purple walls--Martha Stewart Lilac paint. My quilt set from QVC. My blue carpet from Home Depot. My shade and valence. I still have them.

She ironed my uniform for my nursing clinicals. I remember seeing her in the living room with ironing board out doing it. That was right when she started getting sick.

Watching Match Game at night in between babysitting and my evening classes and just laughing.

I see my dad in his recliner every time i close my eyes it seems like. Or my mom laying in her hospital bed, dying. I remember her smile when she looked at me that last time and i said "I LOVE YOU!" and she said "I LOVE YOU TOO HUNNY!" she never spoke again. She basically shut her eyes. And never woke up. She died Sunday after she told me that Thursday.

Always having the presence of one or both of my parents in this house. When I was younger mostly.

Christmas, seeing the tree lit up; always green and blue which I've carried on in her tradition.

My God, how much I miss that woman. Why does she have to be gone so soon????

We're knee-deep in boxes.

Flashback day. TONS of them.


So last week. I worked 5 days in a row. For most, this is totally normal. Not for me. I used to work 3 then a day off then a couple or a weekend or something. At a job where I could wear street clothes, whatever shoes I wanted, and we basically could fuck off when we wanted. Now I have a set uniform. I actually do shots, procedures, do IV's and fluids. I haven't done much with the babies and kids. I'd prefer not to. I give out tons of vaccinations including but not limited to the flu and t-dap. Strep tests. Nothing like Springfield.

But all the fear and anxiety I had was gone, for the most part, and I got through it-albeit I was exhausted. Standing for 7 hours mostly. I'll get used to that. I don't hardly eat at work, so thats good. I try to drink a lot of fluids but I don't always have time to do that. I guess I can safely say it'll get even better and I'll have crappy days and I'll have good days. Thats every where. Back in tomorrow at 830am!

Yesterday we both started the big pack job. HOLY HELL. I have a lot of stuff. A lot of it was inherited from my mom. I don't know if our apt will have room for all of it, I think I'll be investing in a storage unit somehow. And going through all of this stuff one or two more times. Packing sucks but packing and being exhausted doesn't help. Then today we had to have a big pissy fight about Bugsy peeing in the kitchen because no one let him out. Its always his job to let them out at night. I'm asleep! He stays up til 1 or 2. Its his job to let them outside in the back. I don't know how this is going to work once we move. We're going to have to invest in some extra carpet to go over the carpet :( How ghetto.  So after argument after argument we got started; dropped off a truck load of stuff at the Good Will then started packing the kitchen. So much crap. I had to wrap the delicate, breakable stuff. And I find stuff that belonged to my mom or dad and mostly, I was good. I didn't cry. But a few sobs here and there. 

The topic came up numerous times about our relationship and how much we are out of it, and how much we are more like roommates. I broke it down for him--you can't have a tantrum then say "Fuck you!" to me and expect me to be in love with you. Its borderline abusive. I don't like it. It makes me not want to be with you or trust you to have my back or be my man. But we did get 1/3 to 1/2 of the kitchen packed and the rest should go quickly. Its the rest of the upstairs that i'm a little worried about. But like every other move, Ive had it done in the nick of time. So I bet thats how this will go. I just want to get on with it. We need money too, and we need to sell this house. So even though it kills me in ways people don't always understand, this house will no longer be mine, and it will have to be sacrificed in order to move on. I will be an absolute wreck at some point, when its literally not ours anymore. When the keys go bye bye. When I can't walk in the door. When I can't go in the back yard. So sad. Incredibly heart breaking. I'm sort of looking forward to burying Daddy, just because we will all be together one last time. Except for Maggie. We need to really have a sentimental moment: These are our parents. They are are going to be buried next to each other forever. They are responsible for creating us. I feel like we need to share a moment. I need to cry, hug, and love with everyone. Family is #1. We are always going to be related, blood is thicker then any fight or petty bullshit. Could we actually enjoy yourselves together now that we have no more of these problems?

I want to go on here eventually. I want to do me. I want to do my life. I want to try new thing, I want to have kids, have the love of my life with me everyday; loose the anxiety. Loose the sadness. I want to do the things on my bucket list. I only have one body, one soul, and I need to use it accordingly, especially since I'm already 35. I need to become the Sara that everyone will one day remember when I'm gone; I am incomplete right now. 

"You can tell the sun in jealous in his sky, when we walked in fields of gold. 
You'll remember me..."