Another day....of being unemployed. I went to what they called a "Job Fair" at HCGH last evening; what a joke. I didn't understand what the concept of this Fair was. There were a half dozen tables set up with the leaders of each unit sitting there, presumably miserable, looking at all these faces shoving copies of resumes at them. I managed to get my 3 minutes of time with one of the unit managers (I remembered her from working there before). I doubt that it did any good; she told me to go online and apply. So, basically, I spent 2 hours getting ready, 20 minutes driving there, trying to find the damn room it was in, just to spend those 3 minutes to be told to go apply online. Thanks universe. I had to question if I really want to work at this hospital. Finding out I most likely need a BSN to work there or must have one in 5 years...I didn't have that in the plan. I'm not 100% sure that I want to spend money that I don't have on that right now, regardless of their cute little tuition help. I know they're Hopkins, but those of us nurses who have worked over a decade in the game are being forced to get degrees to do the same job. I haven't come to terms with that yet. Que this attitude.
The weather is turning towards the warmer side, not as cold and windy as it has been this winter and I am so appreciative of this. Walking Tessie is much nicer and enjoyable when I'm not freezing my ass off! Today I walked up to the bank and where I am currently at the coffee house.
Jesus Calling
This is my daily read, thanks to Aunt Beah. I love LOVE this book. I couldn't survive everyday without it. Today is spot on as usual.
"Do not hesitate to receive Joy from Me, for I bestow it on you abundantly."
"In a world characterized by working and taking, the admonition to rest and receive seems too easy. There is a close connection between receiving and believing: As you trust Me more and more, you are able to receive Me and My blessings abundantly."
I have to check myself everyday to remember that God has my back. If I keep the faith and pray and understand that there is a plan for me, I can mentally survive this time I'm going through. Its always going to be something, and how I handle it and get through it is my call. With a helping hand from God. "Sometimes the relationship I offer you seems too good to be true." It does seem too good to be true. I was standing at the sink doing dishes yesterday and I was thinking about how I actually do deserve to be happy and have a job that I like; I DO deserve to get the things in life that I want. My clarity and concentration had been worn down so badly lately (past 6 months) that I basically lost myself. I went into survival mode, which is never good. I became exhausted physically, which always carries over into my mental state. Packing, moving, spending time in a relationship and maintaining it, financial issues as always, a few family things here and there; stress from work...stress from being injured...I was headed for a disaster. The disaster was leaving my job to start a new one that I didn't do my research on very well. And that is now where I am.
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Monday, May 21, 2018
Time Passes
So my last post was pretty emotional and charged. I even scared myself. I'm not out of the woods yet, but maybe seeing some light out on the road?...
I was able to get an appt with a doctor who specializes in PTSD, but as usual, its pay out of pocket. She seems to think I can submit a claim to insurance to get reimbursed, we shall see. I'll try her out at least once or twice. Grief Share starts June 13. My hormones are fine according to my new NP at my OBGYN office. Next week I see Lucky for my meds, so I may ask her for a drug called Vivance, my coworker told me about it today.
I used to take Ritalin and/or Adderall in nursing school which is probably the only way I could study for 6 or more hours a day. I don't think stopping that was necessarily a good idea, but aren't adults supposed to be mature enough to concentrate? LOL. Apparently I'm not. And with this other crazy stuff in my head I may just need something like that.
I can't describe just what it is that runs through my brain; sometimes its all focused on pictures of my dad, or something I did with my mom; a childhood memory. A moment in time somewhere...Or it could be the current life situation I'm in where I have no clue where I'll be living next March and how I can afford to pay the horrid bills I have if I don't get a part time job or something. That is so real
and scary to me. Having no back up plan for the first time ever is the.worst.feeling.ever.!! Nobody wants to be with me if I'm in that situation which I don't feel I can remedy in the remaining 9 months. I really just wanted to enjoy this summer and all I do is worry about it.
Worry if I'm going to do something fun for July 4th, worry if I can afford to go to a Taylor Swift show, etc. I have no concept of living in the moment. How does one do that???
Its up to me to get the ball rolling. I may need a push.
I still get the chest anxiety more often then I used to, but better than last week. I still feel pretty alone although I did talk to Dave, who also has PTSD from being in the Navy. Similar feelings, different causes. He is going through a treatment right now called Exposure Therapy. I want to read up on that and see how that would apply to me if it does. I am willing to try anything I haven't before to make some steps towards feeling better. It's difficult when there isn't someone who gets it... sister will never get it or accept it, and I should know better than to try to explain it to her. Big sister at least tries to talk to me about it and was genuinely worried. She actually asked me what it feels like, and does just say grow up or get over it. I think she has lived her whole live with PTSD to be honest. But she seems to manage and get by, so even though there are days when it pains me to wake up and deal with life I really have no choice and no excuse.
My Priest never contacted me. At least not that I know of, I get so many crazy numbers that maybe one of them was from him, but I think he'd at least leave a message. He is probably busy and I get that. If I showed up for mass maybe I'd be able to catch him in person.
****
So its been 2 1/2 hours since I wrote the above; I'm sitting here on this gorgeous evening, was going to watch American Idol but not sure if I want to stay and do that. Maybe I'll go home, I'll know in a few minutes.
As I was sitting out on the back porch here, I am wondering to myself "why do I feel so damn unwanted all the time?" Even if it's really something simple like the other person is tired or sick that evening, or busy, or whatever. I wouldn't mind being home with my dogs right now to be honest, and in my own bed. Even though I hate that apartment and the neighborhood. Its awkward being in
someone else's house while they are napping...I feel like I should have just left. If he is indeed sick,
then really why am I here? I don't want germs and dude needs to rest! But he told me to stay. And I obeyed. Watch this blow up in my face. I'll miss AI. I'm already missing dinner with The Pilot.
Speaking of the Pilot, I'm officially sure we will never be more than friends because I won't establish a boundary or tell him my real feelings for him. I'm afraid it will upset the delicate balance I already do have with him, and keeping him as a friend might be a good thing rather than just losing touch all together, which I'm sure will happen one day. One day he'll meet some fantastic girl who is more like him or can fly a plan or works with him or something. That'll never be me. That was a hard pill to swallow when I saw him last week, something just hit me. I was already so upset about whatever it is I'm being upset about that it didn't phase me.
I texted Dave to see how he was doing; as usual the conversation was all about him. Another problem I have and I should understand by now--guys don't give a shit--not one-- 99% of the time how you are doing! The Pilot may be the only exception. And even that's probably situational. I don't know how people find their soul mates or spouses and are in love and work as a pair and so on. I feel like I'm pretty sure I'm never going to find that. 38 years and I am not able to even make that happen. I can't even keep or find a boyfriend, no ones the person I've become. I don't blame them, I probably wouldn't either.
I was able to get an appt with a doctor who specializes in PTSD, but as usual, its pay out of pocket. She seems to think I can submit a claim to insurance to get reimbursed, we shall see. I'll try her out at least once or twice. Grief Share starts June 13. My hormones are fine according to my new NP at my OBGYN office. Next week I see Lucky for my meds, so I may ask her for a drug called Vivance, my coworker told me about it today.
I used to take Ritalin and/or Adderall in nursing school which is probably the only way I could study for 6 or more hours a day. I don't think stopping that was necessarily a good idea, but aren't adults supposed to be mature enough to concentrate? LOL. Apparently I'm not. And with this other crazy stuff in my head I may just need something like that.
I can't describe just what it is that runs through my brain; sometimes its all focused on pictures of my dad, or something I did with my mom; a childhood memory. A moment in time somewhere...Or it could be the current life situation I'm in where I have no clue where I'll be living next March and how I can afford to pay the horrid bills I have if I don't get a part time job or something. That is so real
and scary to me. Having no back up plan for the first time ever is the.worst.feeling.ever.!! Nobody wants to be with me if I'm in that situation which I don't feel I can remedy in the remaining 9 months. I really just wanted to enjoy this summer and all I do is worry about it.
Worry if I'm going to do something fun for July 4th, worry if I can afford to go to a Taylor Swift show, etc. I have no concept of living in the moment. How does one do that???
Its up to me to get the ball rolling. I may need a push.
I still get the chest anxiety more often then I used to, but better than last week. I still feel pretty alone although I did talk to Dave, who also has PTSD from being in the Navy. Similar feelings, different causes. He is going through a treatment right now called Exposure Therapy. I want to read up on that and see how that would apply to me if it does. I am willing to try anything I haven't before to make some steps towards feeling better. It's difficult when there isn't someone who gets it... sister will never get it or accept it, and I should know better than to try to explain it to her. Big sister at least tries to talk to me about it and was genuinely worried. She actually asked me what it feels like, and does just say grow up or get over it. I think she has lived her whole live with PTSD to be honest. But she seems to manage and get by, so even though there are days when it pains me to wake up and deal with life I really have no choice and no excuse.
My Priest never contacted me. At least not that I know of, I get so many crazy numbers that maybe one of them was from him, but I think he'd at least leave a message. He is probably busy and I get that. If I showed up for mass maybe I'd be able to catch him in person.
****
So its been 2 1/2 hours since I wrote the above; I'm sitting here on this gorgeous evening, was going to watch American Idol but not sure if I want to stay and do that. Maybe I'll go home, I'll know in a few minutes.
As I was sitting out on the back porch here, I am wondering to myself "why do I feel so damn unwanted all the time?" Even if it's really something simple like the other person is tired or sick that evening, or busy, or whatever. I wouldn't mind being home with my dogs right now to be honest, and in my own bed. Even though I hate that apartment and the neighborhood. Its awkward being in
someone else's house while they are napping...I feel like I should have just left. If he is indeed sick,
then really why am I here? I don't want germs and dude needs to rest! But he told me to stay. And I obeyed. Watch this blow up in my face. I'll miss AI. I'm already missing dinner with The Pilot.
Speaking of the Pilot, I'm officially sure we will never be more than friends because I won't establish a boundary or tell him my real feelings for him. I'm afraid it will upset the delicate balance I already do have with him, and keeping him as a friend might be a good thing rather than just losing touch all together, which I'm sure will happen one day. One day he'll meet some fantastic girl who is more like him or can fly a plan or works with him or something. That'll never be me. That was a hard pill to swallow when I saw him last week, something just hit me. I was already so upset about whatever it is I'm being upset about that it didn't phase me.
I texted Dave to see how he was doing; as usual the conversation was all about him. Another problem I have and I should understand by now--guys don't give a shit--not one-- 99% of the time how you are doing! The Pilot may be the only exception. And even that's probably situational. I don't know how people find their soul mates or spouses and are in love and work as a pair and so on. I feel like I'm pretty sure I'm never going to find that. 38 years and I am not able to even make that happen. I can't even keep or find a boyfriend, no ones the person I've become. I don't blame them, I probably wouldn't either.
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
So here we go!
I don't know what to say when I get on here, but I think of all of these things I want to say while I'm driving or at work!
I'm not sure whats wrong with me--I'm not able to function on a day to day basis without crying, becoming very frustrated in a short period of time, feeling like the world is against me, no one likes me, I'm lonely; pretty much I've done nothing with my life. I'm so depressed I DREAD getting out of bed. But I have to, I have a precious dog that I have to take out and another one as well.
I can barely make it through a work shift without wanting to cry or scream. I've managed. My emotions are all over the place; I'm financially FUCKED as usual because I'm living in this hell hole
of an apartment with of all people, Travis. At this point in my life I should be making more money,
have gone back to school, have better credit, bought a house and be with someone who wants to marry me. I have none of that, and only myself to blame. I sometimes blame others for bits and pieces of my problems, because they certainly didn't make it any easier. I don't know how to take charge of my life and be a grown up anymore. I relied on money to solve my problems and that failed miserably. I am irresponsible and unable to take care of myself.
People tell me to get over it, to stop being negative, that I'm a "good person" and all these easy solutions. Sorry its deeper than that. I'm overwhelmed with grief again! The one person who didn't judge me but would still tell it how it should be to me in just the right way died last year. I feel selfish for thinking this, but I feel like I got cheated again. Just take away my whole damn family! Just let everyone die huh? Just leave me to be alone and let me feel horrible everyday.
Now comes the part where I know I need to take some responsibility for this. I seem to have excuses for not helping myself. A lot of it stems from the shitty insurance that I have and the lack of money to go with it. I have to set up a goddamn payment plan for taxes because I couldn't afford to pay them back in 2017 for 2016. I have a ridiculous car payment and insurance. Apparently I'm a bad driver? When the fuck did that happen? Geezus christ. I can't even drive correctly.
I have issues with my siblings because they just can't get emotionally involved with any of this. Kelly tells me to get over it, because I have to, I can't let anything bother me! Its not worth it. Terri ignores me because she is really busy (I get that) and Ann has her own problems. So who is left? Mike? I can't burden him, Mary's mother just passed away, I can't lay some nonsense on him. I'm hurting so bad and I can't do my daily ADL's hardly. I probably should be in a legit hospital or rehab but I can't afford that like my niece who just had mommy and daddy bank roll that little fun trip.
The only thing keeping me from ending my crap life are my dogs and my sister Ann. I don't want to leave the dogs ever, I love them too much. But I haven't kept up with there vaccinations. I haven't got their up to date rabies shots. I'm afraid of taking them in for financial reasons and also if something is wrong with Tess I don't think I could handle it! I'm just so behind. I have a tooth that broke back in December, I was supposed to get the post put in and a crown and all this shit done and I haven't been able to for ..... you guessed it financial reasons.
So, for financial reason, shouldn't I just work more? Get a part time job? Something in that realm?
Much easier said then done. I have to be able to get out of bed first. My resume looks like shit, and I'm too emotionally fucked up to give 100% to anything else right now. So I guess I need to figure out what order of all of these things needs to be in.
I have a horrible sinus headache now, I need to shower and walk the dogs in this ghetto fucking neighborhood and risk having Bugsy get wild on me. Poor Tess she just wants to walk with me and no one else. All I want to do is sleep.
BUT NO. 3pm work.
So if I can just get through today I don't know what will come tomorrow. Probably more of this shit.
I'm not sure whats wrong with me--I'm not able to function on a day to day basis without crying, becoming very frustrated in a short period of time, feeling like the world is against me, no one likes me, I'm lonely; pretty much I've done nothing with my life. I'm so depressed I DREAD getting out of bed. But I have to, I have a precious dog that I have to take out and another one as well.
I can barely make it through a work shift without wanting to cry or scream. I've managed. My emotions are all over the place; I'm financially FUCKED as usual because I'm living in this hell hole
of an apartment with of all people, Travis. At this point in my life I should be making more money,
have gone back to school, have better credit, bought a house and be with someone who wants to marry me. I have none of that, and only myself to blame. I sometimes blame others for bits and pieces of my problems, because they certainly didn't make it any easier. I don't know how to take charge of my life and be a grown up anymore. I relied on money to solve my problems and that failed miserably. I am irresponsible and unable to take care of myself.
People tell me to get over it, to stop being negative, that I'm a "good person" and all these easy solutions. Sorry its deeper than that. I'm overwhelmed with grief again! The one person who didn't judge me but would still tell it how it should be to me in just the right way died last year. I feel selfish for thinking this, but I feel like I got cheated again. Just take away my whole damn family! Just let everyone die huh? Just leave me to be alone and let me feel horrible everyday.
Now comes the part where I know I need to take some responsibility for this. I seem to have excuses for not helping myself. A lot of it stems from the shitty insurance that I have and the lack of money to go with it. I have to set up a goddamn payment plan for taxes because I couldn't afford to pay them back in 2017 for 2016. I have a ridiculous car payment and insurance. Apparently I'm a bad driver? When the fuck did that happen? Geezus christ. I can't even drive correctly.
I have issues with my siblings because they just can't get emotionally involved with any of this. Kelly tells me to get over it, because I have to, I can't let anything bother me! Its not worth it. Terri ignores me because she is really busy (I get that) and Ann has her own problems. So who is left? Mike? I can't burden him, Mary's mother just passed away, I can't lay some nonsense on him. I'm hurting so bad and I can't do my daily ADL's hardly. I probably should be in a legit hospital or rehab but I can't afford that like my niece who just had mommy and daddy bank roll that little fun trip.
The only thing keeping me from ending my crap life are my dogs and my sister Ann. I don't want to leave the dogs ever, I love them too much. But I haven't kept up with there vaccinations. I haven't got their up to date rabies shots. I'm afraid of taking them in for financial reasons and also if something is wrong with Tess I don't think I could handle it! I'm just so behind. I have a tooth that broke back in December, I was supposed to get the post put in and a crown and all this shit done and I haven't been able to for ..... you guessed it financial reasons.
So, for financial reason, shouldn't I just work more? Get a part time job? Something in that realm?
Much easier said then done. I have to be able to get out of bed first. My resume looks like shit, and I'm too emotionally fucked up to give 100% to anything else right now. So I guess I need to figure out what order of all of these things needs to be in.
I have a horrible sinus headache now, I need to shower and walk the dogs in this ghetto fucking neighborhood and risk having Bugsy get wild on me. Poor Tess she just wants to walk with me and no one else. All I want to do is sleep.
BUT NO. 3pm work.
So if I can just get through today I don't know what will come tomorrow. Probably more of this shit.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
10/14/17
Great new song by Walk The Moon :)
I spoke with Aunt Beah yesterday!! When she called, she sounded a lot like Daddy right before he died; very tired and weary, yet still trying to be strong and get through the every day motions. She is so damn strong! I swear I would have quit by now. She says she has 2 more radiation treatments and the worst thing happened--her hair started falling out in huge clumps :( I think there's nothing worse than seeing a cancer riddled person get skinny, lose their hair, and look like crap. Its like a huge visual saying "I'm dying over here!" I told her through tears that I wanted to come see her and hug her. She said that she would love that. Breaks my heart, because I don't know if I can make that happen. She will find out soon what the prognosis is. *Sigh* I'm angry again...now this time at cancer. There's so much I want to talk to her about that I haven't had a chance to, this sucks. I don't want her suffering or feeling shitty, and I know she is. Her spirit seems great. But that only takes you so far before your body gives out. We all know that from watching my Dad.
I will be going to Mass in the morning then straight to work. I work Monday too and then I'm off Tuesday; I have a bunch of errands to run. And probably a nap--wait no, GYM! MUST GO! I think I'm just tired now from being at work so thats where that nap thing comes in haha.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Ummm, Hi October 2017?
I cannot believe its October 2017.
WHERE THE HELL DID SUMMER GO??! It is my favorite season! I miss the beach so much that even though I went last weekend, it wasn't even close to being enough. *sigh*
Keeping busy with work is helping to keep my mind of any kind of grief. So I guess that's a good thing. My Aunt Beah isn't doing well, apparently the cancer has spread to her brain and wherever else it can go. This is ridiculous! A woman who has been so strong and so perfect her whole life has to suffer with this. She reminds me so much of my father in that she fights and fights and doesn't quit, but eventually she will give in. I don't blame her, and I would probably do the exact same thing. Oddly I have been putting off calling her which is so fucked up. It may be because I'm afraid how she will sound, what she'll talk about, and if it is the last call I have with her. I want to remember her the way she was when she visited Maryland 2 years ago, or when I had a 3 hour conversation with her right after my Dad died.
This is something I just have to accept; I have a large family, I'm the youngest on both sides, and as humans we tend to not live forever. I'm forever grateful I reconnected with her in the past couple years. I know her and my Dad were always close but still up until the last decade they always had some disagreement. Gee, who does that sound like in 30 years? :) That's a fact of life when you have a lot of siblings. I'm still trying to make peace with the fact that our little clan isn't ever going to be the same again now that we are orphans.
I think that I am going to try yet again to get back in the gym and develop a routine. I've been going over some videos on youtube to jog my memory of what to do; I see people who do the "ab day" or the "leg day" and I'm questioning if thats the best for me, because Lord help me if I'm at work at my legs are killing me and I want to scream. No good. Speaking of work, it's starting to pick up and get busy again. Not every single day, but I definitely can see more and more sick folks coming in with the pre-cursers to flu and pna.
So back to the gym. It is very intimidating to change your eating habits at the same time you are establishing a workout routine to stick to; I'm not saying bring on the junk and crap food but if I empty out my kitchen (which is pretty bare!) and stock it with all healthy stuff. That's setting myself up for failure, so let me see if I can get a routine going for at least a week. If I can do 7 days I'll be quite proud of myself!
Ok.....7 days...begins in the AM.....
WHERE THE HELL DID SUMMER GO??! It is my favorite season! I miss the beach so much that even though I went last weekend, it wasn't even close to being enough. *sigh*
Keeping busy with work is helping to keep my mind of any kind of grief. So I guess that's a good thing. My Aunt Beah isn't doing well, apparently the cancer has spread to her brain and wherever else it can go. This is ridiculous! A woman who has been so strong and so perfect her whole life has to suffer with this. She reminds me so much of my father in that she fights and fights and doesn't quit, but eventually she will give in. I don't blame her, and I would probably do the exact same thing. Oddly I have been putting off calling her which is so fucked up. It may be because I'm afraid how she will sound, what she'll talk about, and if it is the last call I have with her. I want to remember her the way she was when she visited Maryland 2 years ago, or when I had a 3 hour conversation with her right after my Dad died.
This is something I just have to accept; I have a large family, I'm the youngest on both sides, and as humans we tend to not live forever. I'm forever grateful I reconnected with her in the past couple years. I know her and my Dad were always close but still up until the last decade they always had some disagreement. Gee, who does that sound like in 30 years? :) That's a fact of life when you have a lot of siblings. I'm still trying to make peace with the fact that our little clan isn't ever going to be the same again now that we are orphans.
I think that I am going to try yet again to get back in the gym and develop a routine. I've been going over some videos on youtube to jog my memory of what to do; I see people who do the "ab day" or the "leg day" and I'm questioning if thats the best for me, because Lord help me if I'm at work at my legs are killing me and I want to scream. No good. Speaking of work, it's starting to pick up and get busy again. Not every single day, but I definitely can see more and more sick folks coming in with the pre-cursers to flu and pna.
So back to the gym. It is very intimidating to change your eating habits at the same time you are establishing a workout routine to stick to; I'm not saying bring on the junk and crap food but if I empty out my kitchen (which is pretty bare!) and stock it with all healthy stuff. That's setting myself up for failure, so let me see if I can get a routine going for at least a week. If I can do 7 days I'll be quite proud of myself!
Ok.....7 days...begins in the AM.....
Sunday, June 4, 2017
June 4, 2017
Oh my. What a roller coaster of emotions in the past 2 months.
Jack walked on out me, broke up via text, while I was at work, with NO warning.
Blocked me from everything in his life. I can't begin to describe what that says.
I'm angry, I'm disrespected, I feel like a chump, I feel like I just got shit on. Used.
But I know that I'll get through this and I know that he is a psychopath that needs to get his
shit together. So not the right one for me. He treated me well when he was with me,
but I think he was either talking to someone else or is going back to Tracy. Whatever it may be,
our paths will cross and I'll make sure he know what he did to me. I may not be so nice.
I miss the hell out of my parents. We observed Memorial Day weekend last weekend, which i thoroughly enjoyed. Flags everywhere!
Work will be a challenge but in a good way I hope.
I need to improve some areas of my life, to make me a stronger, better person. I need to stay with The Lord and let him guide me.
There are moments when I want to just go to sleep and not wake up, but they pass very quickly and I'm ok. I'll be fine. I got knocked down, but I'm getting up. Fuck that asshole and his games. You
fucked with the wrong girl.
I have to keep the faith that I'll reach my destination and goals.
Jack walked on out me, broke up via text, while I was at work, with NO warning.
Blocked me from everything in his life. I can't begin to describe what that says.
I'm angry, I'm disrespected, I feel like a chump, I feel like I just got shit on. Used.
But I know that I'll get through this and I know that he is a psychopath that needs to get his
shit together. So not the right one for me. He treated me well when he was with me,
but I think he was either talking to someone else or is going back to Tracy. Whatever it may be,
our paths will cross and I'll make sure he know what he did to me. I may not be so nice.
I miss the hell out of my parents. We observed Memorial Day weekend last weekend, which i thoroughly enjoyed. Flags everywhere!
Work will be a challenge but in a good way I hope.
I need to improve some areas of my life, to make me a stronger, better person. I need to stay with The Lord and let him guide me.
There are moments when I want to just go to sleep and not wake up, but they pass very quickly and I'm ok. I'll be fine. I got knocked down, but I'm getting up. Fuck that asshole and his games. You
fucked with the wrong girl.
I have to keep the faith that I'll reach my destination and goals.
Thursday, May 25, 2017
May 2017
The last post I wrote in November, but accidentally didn't publish it until now.
So that awesome guy....never panned out to more than a couple times of week. He didn't want a relationship. So I figured that out and just enjoyed his company. I haven't seen him since maybe the beginning of April or so. He's so "busy" lol I just roll my eyes and say whatever. It was fun while it lasted.
I met someone else,well, reconnected. Everyone was shocked when they found it was Jack, since we didn't exactly end on good terms 5 years ago. But thats the current situation. While it scares the shit of me to be in a relationship, I do love it at the same time. I'm always scared. I think its the financial part that scares me, I don't want to end up back in the same position as I was last summer and fall...and winter...hell all the way until current.
I did forget to mention I did run the Marine Corps Marathon 10K last October 30, 2016. On my dad's birthday! It was the most fun I've ever had at a race. I definitely want to do it every year. I need to sign up soon for it, but as usual, my money is all gone. I hate this money situation :(
There's been a lot of thought of Ruthie and Daddy lately. I had my Confirmation at my church on Easter Vigil. Kelly, Mary, Mike and Terri came, Susan was my stand-in sponsor, and Aunt Beah was my official one. She sent me such a nice card, and a realllllllly nice white angel statue. It means so much to me that she sent that and all the nice things they wrote. I'm so happy they all came! Terri got me a really nice Bible and inscribed it like you would if you were giving it to a younger person in the traditional way. Seriously, just so sweet.
I'm feeling that anger and rage that they are gone still. It has come back and I feel tired, depressed, and in a fog. I don't know if it's the Clonazepam thats causing the fog, but sometimes I get this idea in my head that I can't face the emotions without taking it. Its not an every day thing, but I've relied on it a lot lately. I almost feel like if its not a nice day out, like today its raining and gross-I just want to sleep all day. I don't want to be coherent. I feel like if someone took that away from me, I'd be very angry and it would be like taking my safety net away from me. I don't tell anyone that I do this; I'm sure Travis knows what I do but he doesn't really care since he's dealing with his own stuff.
Jack is still new to this crazy rollercoaster of my life. He will learn soon how this is going to play out! I'm not a perfect adult that has it all under control in my head.
I would like to go to Women's Bible Study at church and help with the ASP trips, I think that will help me stay distracted in a good way. I still have dreams of coordinating a 5K race in my mom's honor.
I see all these people around me doing great things; buying houses, getting married, having babies, and I'm so far behind. I can only wait so long before having a baby. And I'm not even sure I'll ever get to, if I don't have this depression under control and my finances in better shape it would be cruel to have a child.
On a positive note, I have a full time position at Odenton Patient First (as a floor RN) and I NEVER NEVER NEVER have to go back to Columbia ever again!!!! I feel so good about that I can't even put it into words. No more bullshit with Kim Jung Ung, or w/e that dictator's name is. No more drama with the providers who like to be assholes. I will miss a great deal of the people there, but I had to do it. Peace Out!
I haven't run other than once or twice this whole year. The weather has sucked and I hate treadmill runs. No excuse, but thats just how its been. Plus I'm no where near my favorite lakes to run...
I'm really hoping I can move back to Columbia this fall; I miss it there. It will be closer to work. And all of the things I know and love and feel comfortable around.
I'm fighting a nap right now :( I don't want to cry. I don't want to think about sad things, but my go to is to ignore them. Push them away...pretend that I'm going to deal with it later. and then I don't and it just seeps in and I have to let it out or explode...my heart pounds and I go nuts basically. I doesn't last long, but long enough that it takes some time out of my day.
This interacts with my ability to focus on losing weight too. So I'm trying to brainstorm with some ideas of what to do in order to focus this sad energy into something worthy so that I can at least make a difference in someone else's life or improve mine.
I'm not going to give up, and I'm going to rely on my support system and keep on going! This too shall pass.
I miss my parents, I miss my family. I miss all those have gone to sleep in hopes of waking up in heaven.
So that awesome guy....never panned out to more than a couple times of week. He didn't want a relationship. So I figured that out and just enjoyed his company. I haven't seen him since maybe the beginning of April or so. He's so "busy" lol I just roll my eyes and say whatever. It was fun while it lasted.
I met someone else,well, reconnected. Everyone was shocked when they found it was Jack, since we didn't exactly end on good terms 5 years ago. But thats the current situation. While it scares the shit of me to be in a relationship, I do love it at the same time. I'm always scared. I think its the financial part that scares me, I don't want to end up back in the same position as I was last summer and fall...and winter...hell all the way until current.
I did forget to mention I did run the Marine Corps Marathon 10K last October 30, 2016. On my dad's birthday! It was the most fun I've ever had at a race. I definitely want to do it every year. I need to sign up soon for it, but as usual, my money is all gone. I hate this money situation :(
There's been a lot of thought of Ruthie and Daddy lately. I had my Confirmation at my church on Easter Vigil. Kelly, Mary, Mike and Terri came, Susan was my stand-in sponsor, and Aunt Beah was my official one. She sent me such a nice card, and a realllllllly nice white angel statue. It means so much to me that she sent that and all the nice things they wrote. I'm so happy they all came! Terri got me a really nice Bible and inscribed it like you would if you were giving it to a younger person in the traditional way. Seriously, just so sweet.
I'm feeling that anger and rage that they are gone still. It has come back and I feel tired, depressed, and in a fog. I don't know if it's the Clonazepam thats causing the fog, but sometimes I get this idea in my head that I can't face the emotions without taking it. Its not an every day thing, but I've relied on it a lot lately. I almost feel like if its not a nice day out, like today its raining and gross-I just want to sleep all day. I don't want to be coherent. I feel like if someone took that away from me, I'd be very angry and it would be like taking my safety net away from me. I don't tell anyone that I do this; I'm sure Travis knows what I do but he doesn't really care since he's dealing with his own stuff.
Jack is still new to this crazy rollercoaster of my life. He will learn soon how this is going to play out! I'm not a perfect adult that has it all under control in my head.
I would like to go to Women's Bible Study at church and help with the ASP trips, I think that will help me stay distracted in a good way. I still have dreams of coordinating a 5K race in my mom's honor.
I see all these people around me doing great things; buying houses, getting married, having babies, and I'm so far behind. I can only wait so long before having a baby. And I'm not even sure I'll ever get to, if I don't have this depression under control and my finances in better shape it would be cruel to have a child.
On a positive note, I have a full time position at Odenton Patient First (as a floor RN) and I NEVER NEVER NEVER have to go back to Columbia ever again!!!! I feel so good about that I can't even put it into words. No more bullshit with Kim Jung Ung, or w/e that dictator's name is. No more drama with the providers who like to be assholes. I will miss a great deal of the people there, but I had to do it. Peace Out!
I haven't run other than once or twice this whole year. The weather has sucked and I hate treadmill runs. No excuse, but thats just how its been. Plus I'm no where near my favorite lakes to run...
I'm really hoping I can move back to Columbia this fall; I miss it there. It will be closer to work. And all of the things I know and love and feel comfortable around.
I'm fighting a nap right now :( I don't want to cry. I don't want to think about sad things, but my go to is to ignore them. Push them away...pretend that I'm going to deal with it later. and then I don't and it just seeps in and I have to let it out or explode...my heart pounds and I go nuts basically. I doesn't last long, but long enough that it takes some time out of my day.
This interacts with my ability to focus on losing weight too. So I'm trying to brainstorm with some ideas of what to do in order to focus this sad energy into something worthy so that I can at least make a difference in someone else's life or improve mine.
I'm not going to give up, and I'm going to rely on my support system and keep on going! This too shall pass.
I miss my parents, I miss my family. I miss all those have gone to sleep in hopes of waking up in heaven.
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