Motivation

I am feeling such a lack of motivation to do anything today....well besides eat. 3 of those 100 calorie packs of Almonds. Wise decision making over here for the win...

I'm lonely; I'm bored; and I'm just waiting for April to come so I have some things to keep me busy. Being lonely really sucks. I have never been very good at it! Everyone is at work right now.  Or busy being mom's or dad's, or in school or whatever it is. You would think it would be awesome to be off a lot from work but it's not all that its cracked up to be. I'm doing it for health reasons--I'm trying to get my mental faculties in place, and I couldn't do that working the type of schedule my manager was giving me. For instance, the grief therapy group I'm going to attend for 3 months is every Wednesday night for 2 hours. There's no f-ing way she'd let me have that many Wednesday night's off for that; she'd give me the run around with finding someone to trade, etc. Also, I am starting classes in June. I would never be able to take a 5 or 8 week class with a full-time schedule. And the real-estate pre-licensing class? HA! Forget that, I'd be waiting until I'm 40. So I'm happy and thankful for the opportunity to do those things but I'm trying to make the most of the time I have between now and then which is about 3 1/2 weeks. Travis is working a double today; he works this weekend, then off for 4 days. We have things scheduled; vet appointments for the dogs, our own appointments; and I want to do some moving of the crap to the loft and household stuff. Living in box world is getting old.

I have options today, with this gorgeous weather. I could go for a run; I could go to the cemetery; I could do both. I could go to Target and drop off my rx and exchange the pants that are too small. I can do all of these things, which normally I think I would except for some reason I feel like crap today. Isolated. I'm not sure I want to go the cemetery today, I'll get caught in Friday rush hour traffic; maybe tomorrow or definitely next week. Plus the emotional taxing of being there---not sure if I want that right now. Maybe I'll just get off my fat ass and go for a run at the lake like I had been planning all week and stop stewing about it.

I re-watched "Forks Over Knives" today; it's such an awesome documentary. I'm fascinated by the food science/nutrition and all of the information about our SAD's. I really want to be "Plant Strong" and get healthier. I've plateaued with the weight, as in, just existing I'm not losing like I was last year. I have to actually work at it now, and that's proving to be really difficult when I'm bing eating. So I have to figure out why I'm binge eating. Um, I'm lonely? Bored? Anxious? So fix those things. Well I am...lol  it's a big circle. Circle of hell really. However, I am not going to give up and let them get the best of me. I can get myself going and motivated.

OK Ruthie, time to run for you. As much as I'm fighting it and rolling my eyes and stomping my feet, I'm going to shut up and do it.

First Run of 2016 In The Books

First one in the bag! It was a good one, too. Hardly any pain except the "extra" loop that makes it a full 5K. It was satisfyingly challenging, and at the end I was pretty exhausted but I made it and I can't wait to do it again tomorrow. The weather has been exceptionally great this week, in the low 80's/70's and sunny with some breeze. It's a gift I swear. If it could be like this all the time I would be the happiest girl alive.

My goal is to do this 3 times a week. I gained a bit of weight, in my mid section as usual, so I'm hoping this helps right that wrong I made over the past couple months. 

Tomorrow I have my first appointment with an LCPC that does hypno-therapy. My goal is to get the anxiety under control. She had me write out 3-5 situations in my life so far that I felt safe, secure, and competent. My first thought was "all 3 at once?" Because I couldn't really recall any off the top of my head. And I'm not sure the 4 situations I wrote down are exactly what she's looking for but I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I have to work Sunday, and its with someone I don't know and haven't worked with before, so I'm already starting to get amped up over that. 

On a higher note, I was able to pay some bills and such this week; I signed up for the Caldwell Banker Real Estate pre-licensing class, and also a once a week Grief Workshop. So I'll be busy in April with that. The grief one goes until July. Then in May I'm probably going to visit my California family; my cousin is getting married and there will be a party for his fiance that I want to attend...aka a bachelorette party. I am dying to see them all too. And then Wisconsin in June!! Terri and I are hopefully going to be able to drive up to Rhinelander and down through Green Bay before the reunion  on June 25th. Lucy and Ethel, driving along through the backroads of Wisconsin...it should be good times. 

I haven't tackled my RAGBRAI thoughts or decision yet. As of now, I want to do it, but I haven't done any planning or training. So its up in the air if I'll participate, but I think I will at least go see my Aunt and Uncle and maybe visit my cousins when the finish the last day of it. 

One day at a time though. It's been such a rough 18 months of my life. I can't believe I made it. I have more to go though. This grief is like a demon sitting on my shoulder 24/7. Everything is a memory, a reminder, a tear drop, a flood of tears, anger, sadness, every emotion rolled up into a ball of hell. Some of my relationships have suffered lately and that weighs heavy on my mind. Its hard to lose people, even if you have only known them a short time; even a long time. Either way, when I'm attached or love someone and they are suddenly just not there anymore, it's so shitty. But again, I guess thats how life goes. Everything happens for a reason.

"Love's a game, wanna play?"

"Cuz darlin I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream!"

"So its gonna be forever, or its gonna go down in flames..."

"It'll leave you breathless... or with a nasty scar..."

God I love my TayTay. I'm a dork, I'm still hooked on 1989. I wish I had been able to see that tour last summer. All of these songs may be geared towards the younger crowd, but I can relate to almost all of them in some funny way. And I love the fact that she is beefing with Kanye. Ok--really? Am I talking about this in a blog about my parents? LOLOL I guess I am. And now its time for bed...

Love ya Ruthie. Love ya Daddy.

~Sara

Anniversaries

I know it has been awhile since I've written in here. I'm terrible, what can I say!! But I haven't forgotten the reason I have this blog.

I had a few minor setbacks mentally and physically recently. I spent a month out of work, went to a PHP program and got myself back on track enough to at least function day to day. I'm waiting for a grief group to start the first of April near me, it sounds like a really great one that is in depth and not just a bunch of bullshit. The Gilchrest one is wonderful, but not enough due to the time restraints.

February 8, 2016 came and went. It was a pretty warm day considering that it was February, aka scary weather month. The sun was shining, the clouds were white and puffy, and the sky was the usual gorgeous blue. It had rained and we had a blizzard a few weeks before, so the ground was a total mud pit. I got soaked sitting on my towel next to the headstones. Across the street, they were burying someone in a vault, so we watched that. Terri, Kelly and I met up in the early afternoon to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of Ruthie's passing. We decorated her headstone and played music. We talked about how much we missed her, and other various memories. I didn't sob and cry; I tend to not do that as much when I'm not alone. Its easier to do when I'm alone.

I still have a lot of anger towards ALZ. I hate the disease. I hate that I don't know my Mom as my Mom--I know her has someone who died from ALZ. I feel so many emotions and so many feelings that I can't even express them all. For me, they come out differently and maybe in a less mature way then my siblings. For me, it affects my work, my daily motivation, my habits, everything. More on that later.

One year ago that day we lost Ruthie; I remember it very clearly seeing her in her hospital bed. She was so frail. That horrid breathing at the end was enough to scare the pants off any person who had never been in a nursing home or around a sick person. I missed the last breath, and I'm ok with that as I've said before. I had my time with her before everyone got there that Sunday. I also spend part of Saturday evening with her. I spoke to her, I sang to her, I told her everything I could think of in those last fleeting moments. I held her hand, I kissed her repeatedly, I rubbed her shoulder and arm; I thought to myself: "How in the world can I be losing her? It's not fair!" How is it fair? I'll never know. Maybe I'm not meant to know.

When we all gathered and were sitting around her room waiting for that moment, it felt just like old times...in that when the times get rough or something that affects one of our parents, us kids always rally together. Now that my Dad is gone and the estate is about a week or 2 away from being closed up, I'm afraid we won't be rallying for much anymore. I could be wrong and I hope I am. But the memories I have of us, even during the bad times of the deaths of our parents are still precious to me. I felt almost equal to everyone. I felt like I had a part in all of it.

Sunday 2/8/15 at 4:20pm Ruthie passed away. She was called to Heaven, they Angel's came and took her. We had a Priest come and Daddy was there, we all held hands and said the Lord's Prayer. My Dad said goodbye to her privately; I did snap a picture or 2. Since Ann wasn't there yet, I wanted her to see them. She was appreciative of that. Walking out of Harmony Hall for the "last time" (which it wasn't) was odd. I told Mary that I was so thankful to have her in our lives since she was such a calm, sweet and loving person. I actually hugged her too. Same with Andrea Koeppel. They aren't Eastman's by birth, but they are forever part of our clan.

The weather magically warmed up--it was at least 55 degrees with no wind. It had been bitter cold most of the winter already. The sun came out, and it was such a feeling of relief that the Angel's came. We got my Dad and ourselves home. I don't remember the exact details after that as to what we did; I do remember that night when I was getting ready to go to sleep I had this sickening feeling come over me of the loss. I knew it would hit me that night since its as the first night in my life without my mother. Again, I can't describe this feeling; it was so many feelings and emotions rolled into one that even if I wanted to, I couldn't describe it.

The anniversary of that day has come and gone for the first time. Since it was a Monday, Kelly and Terri took off work. I took off from the PHP program. The brother's did not; I don't know if they did anything privately or just went on with life, which is perfectly fine. I know they thought about her, and I know they are grieving in their own ways. I know Uncle David had to have thought about it too.  I'm sure a lot of people in Ruthie's life thought about it, maybe not that exact day, but around that time they did. I made sure to post a few things on Facebook in her honor.

I just hope we don't forget to honor her, and her legacy. I hope that I as her youngest and most able-bodied one can somehow be part of the movement to find an end to the suffering that ALZ patients endure. It is the least I can do. I feel like it is something I have to do. Donating money is fine; but donating your time and effort and making a small dent or large dent in the movement is something I need to do. I just have to figure out how to do it.

I read a poem about having 2 mothers and some other readings at her funeral. I could have read for hours about my love for her. I was limited of course. The song I picked was "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" by Israel Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole. I had my Aunt Susie on my left and Travis to my right. I squeezed Aunt Susie's hand as I silently sung along with the song, tears streaming down my face but I was smiling. You can't help it, it's such a sweet song. Our theme with my Mom and her sister Joan is this song. I would like to incorporate this into some type of tattoo but I'm not sure exactly yet. It will take a lot of artistry by someone to come up with exactly what I want. (This isn't a simple one like my Boston "B.") 

It snowed the night of her funeral, on Valentine's Day. It was a wicked windy, snowy night. My Dad was so heartbroken and exhausted I don't know how he got though it. I'm glad he got to see his little sister, since it turned out to be the last time he ever did.

When I talk about my Mother, I remember her smile; the look on her face when she was just content and thinking about whatever it was that she was thinking about--pre-disease and during the disease. Sometimes she'd just look at us and smile. I struggle with not having her here physically. I have struggled so terribly that I couldn't concentrate at work or at home. I am learning how to manage these feelings, and the grief group should help. And, as this blog is titled, the running. That will help tremendously. But it has to be at my lake, when the weather is warm. Thats the only way I can do it. Its almost that time of year, so Ruthie get ready to push me. I love you.

Will you stay with me? Will you be my love

Among the fields of barley?

And you can tell the sun in his jealous sky

When we walked in fields of gold.

I never made promises lightly,

And there have been some that I've broken,

But I swear in the days still left

We'll walk in fields of gold.

One Year Anniversary

Yesterday, 2/8/16, marked the one year anniversary of Ruthie's death. At 4:20 pm so took her last gasp of breath. I of course missed it by about 30 seconds apparently, but that I am ok with. I had gone out to get food for everyone, as well as stop by the house and help my dad get ready to visit. My brother's brought him back to Harmony Hall and Travis and I went to Panera to get food for everyone. I got a call while we were about 1/2 a mile away from Mike saying "I think it just happened..." So we floored it around the corner and I went running into the facility and into the elevator. I ran down the hallway and if memory serves, Andrea (sister in law) was standing in the hallway waiting for me.

Just thinking of that building makes me sick. Not because it was a bad place. Its just that its the place my family experienced so much sadness.  I think about the Valentine's decorations I put up, and when I had to take them down the day after she died. I still have them. I'll probably keep them forever, or until they fall apart. Remembering her laying in her bed with her snowman stuffed animal cuddled up to her face, while she was pretty much in a coma-like state; she was gasping and snoring loudly. She had slipped away; but her body was still trying to compensate. Diane Tolson stopped by and gave her a massage (she used to be a masseuse) and she actually got her to calm her breathing. It was really something, almost magical.  It meant a lot to us to have her stop by and do this. I sat there with her until all of my siblings arrived. We didn't know how long it would be. I guessed it would be later that night. Boy was I wrong! I'm glad I was wrong, because she was suffering. She received Morphine from the nurse. But she looked like she might have been in pain. I kissed her forehead; I talked to her privately before anyone came, even the night before on my way to work when I stopped. She had told me 2 days before "I love you too, hunny!" And then she shut her eyes and I think that was the last time she spoke to anyone. I am thankful I got the last I love you. I am also so sad. So so so incredibly sad. It feels like there is life before she died, and now this life after she died. I feel so confused, so empty. SO EMPTY. I feel like a part of my heart left with her. I feel like it was ripped out.  I am so mad at the disease. I am so angry that other people have their mothers. I am jealous, and I hate feeling that way. I hate seeing my sisters so sad. I hated seeing my dad so sad and lose his will to live as well. I hate knowing that she didn't get to see her family much in the last decade; I hate that she lost her memory and her ability to care for herself. I hate all of the times I lost my patience with her trying to take care of her and keep her safe. I hate that she was physically hurting at the end. I hate that she struggled with eating. I hate that she fell at the rehab, I hate that I left her in the care of that awful nasty woman who neglected her before we figured it out. I hate that her life had to end on such a depressing note. I hope that she is whole and healthy again in Heaven. If she wasn't, I don't think I could live with myself. I pray that she is ok up there. I can't stand the thought that she could be anything but ok now. I hope she is watching over us all too. Helping to send us in the right directions. Especially me, because I know that I am completely lost. I think I know what I am going to do from here on out, but I am scared of taking the leap.

It was so nice to see Uncle David and Aunt Karen when they came in from California. I don't think I've hugged a relative that hard as I did when I saw Uncle David after I got back to the house after picking up Aunt Susie from BWI. It was just so nice to have a part of my mom there, because he was the first and only relative to come from her side.  That night we picked out the rest of the music for the funeral; throughout the week we had been doing things in preparation for that. We went shopping for new clothes; I had a hard time because I knew I was about to have surgery, and finding something that I liked that fit was difficult. I managed to pull something together. I even got my hair done, and I wore Grandma Vange's Valentine necklace too. We played beautiful music; I sat next to Aunt Susie and Travis in the front row with Daddy. Uncle David presented the flag to Daddy, which was really special. After I read my reading,  we played "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and I held Aunt Susie's hand and we smiled at each other, because it was just enough of a break in the sadness to hear the music and I sang along quietly. It was one of my favorite moments from that day. Tons of people showed up, which was great since it was Valentine's Day. We got a snow storm that night, and it was  the coldest day ever the following day. The wind howled and shook the house. But the snow was very pretty.
I was very distracted the following month due to having surgery; so the grief was a little easier to handle due to this. Also, spring was coming, and I always enjoy spring. I was enjoying the fact that I was losing weight; and also taking care of my Dad took up time and effort so we were able to handle it more so than if we had nothing to do consume the days time with.

Then my Dad died. Life changed so dramatically that day. It will never be the same. It will never feel right again. I will always feel robbed and cheated. I do feel the relief that he is no longer suffering. But I can't help but be selfish and feel like everything just got shittier and more challenging after that. My life will never be the same again. My purpose in life is no longer to care for them. My purpose in life has shifted back to myself, but I don't know what to do with myself. Well, I think I know; but it requires some big changes. Its all sort of a risk, its scary, and its different. I don't have a choice, I'm miserable doing what I'm doing right now, so if I don't change, I'll never move forward. And moving forward is the only thing that will keep me alive and keep me going. There have been a few days where I question why I'm still here; the pain is that great. What stops me from not being here are the people that love me. I have family and pets and a boyfriend that depend on me and love me, and to hurt them would be selfish and shitty of me. So thats the only thing that has kept me going for a while.
More to add to this coming...

Hark The Herald Angels Sing!! Glory to the Newborn King!

It is Christmas technically in 1 hour 20 minutes. So today was the great "Eve" where some people work, some don't, I was lucky to be off. But back tomorrow for 5 days. 
So with my parents being in Heaven this season, it has obviously been a train wreck of emotions and crying. I'm not sure what I'm specifically crying over--the fact they aren't here to enjoy us all together, or the fact that I'm selfish and just want them here. Either way, they're not. They're in a place where i'm sure if you celebrate Christmas as a Catholic its probably the most spectacular thing. Auntie Joan is up their  Grandma Rachel, Grandpa Rooks, Grandma Florence, Cousin Kirk, Grandma and Grandpa Novotny, and Uncle Robert. I'm hoping they aren't too upset looking down on my sadness. I'm trying to keep my 's' together, but it's such a challenge. Apparently I need to change my attitude, and I think I can at least attempt this. If it helps me succeed and keep going on in work and life without the anxiety and issues, I guess I can get off my butt and try. 

My father got his headstone!! It looks beautiful! I want to kiss it! I can't actually do that lol. We decorated them both up, my Mom's too, but it did rain so I hope everything made it through the weather. We are tentatively meeting on Sunday at the cemetery and then dinner. I hope we can actually talk and not just hide in our separate areas and ignore the fact that we just buried our parents this year and and had our first holiday without them. I'm going to push for this. They won't listen--and I mean the brothers really--it'll be stupid conversations about music and cars and jokes. Nope. we will dedicate some conversation to our parents. Thats what we should have done the last time after my dad's burial.

Anyway. I promised that I would Run For Ruthie and Bike for Bob but I haven't done it it all. I have plans to to do it, I will. I know I will. I have to get through this hump of work related BS. And my relationship needs some tweaking so we an at least exist together. I love him with all my heart. I'm just hurt an I feel alone. I won't go into details, this isn't the venue. But It doesn't make the rest of my  goals happen any fast.

I miss them so very much. Its a pain I can't describe, its like a low grade fever, it never goes away---it makes me miserable long enough where I want to cry, but can't always do that, but sometimes I can. It always happens when I have the flashbacks. Which I never know when they're going to come. They can pop in any moment, or something can trigger them.  What hurts the most is the majority of the people that don't really know me, or try to get to know, don't give a care. "I'm not here to be your friend. Your home life doesn't come to work" or w/e.  OK, fine. I'll remember that. However, thats not the way it should be, and I wouldn't stoop to that level.

With that being said, the house will go to auction in 3 weeks. It can't go fast enough.  I'm praying it will give us a good chunk of money, I need a lot for the things I want to do. I want to go back to school so bad. Make my parents proud.

So Ruthie, I'll get back to running for ya, and Daddy, I'll start the biking when its possible. LOVE YOU BOTH and Merry Christmas!

I love my family, my sisters, brothers, nieces, cousins, aunts and uncles. I'm praying for some of them who really need it right now.

top pic: late 80's maybe early 90's Pamplona Christmas tree, decorated by myself and my Mom.

second pic: a week ago at my sister Terri's house after I decorated her tree. GO PACK GO! :) <3 

Looking Back on 2015...part 1

When "2015" comes to mind, I just sigh and go "uggggh." Obviously from the things I've written one would gather it wasn't the most warm and fuzzy year for me. With that being said, it wasn't all bad, there were some good parts.

Good things:

My mother was called to Heaven and leg go of her suffering.
I was able to have a surgery that provided me with the tool to lose weight and keep from gaining.
Travis became close to my Dad.
I discovered some new music that I love <3
I met some cool people.
I learned how strong I can be.
I started running again. (Although....I sorta haven't in a bit.....)
I got a bike and will be joining my cousins next summer in Iowa!
I learned that I'm worthy of someone who loves me
I attended therapy sessions that I learned a lot from
I reconnected with both sides of my family
I learned a lot about my parents younger days
I felt a lot of love when we had my their funerals
I quit a crappy job, and started a much better one
I learned that if I want something, anything at all, I have to make it happen, it doesn't come to me
I've learned to grieve without it ruining my life and dragging me down to the point of not functioning
I have planned for some awesome things to happen in 2016 and beyond.

I'm not going to talk about the "bad" things just yet but I know I will feel better about getting it out of my system. Maybe sometime soon. Right now, I have to take the advice of my grief counselor and that is 1) Relax, let things pan out the way they are going to pan out. 2) When something else seems to become a huge problem, it means that the other things that were what you thought were huge problems are now things you can handle and have control over....so now you have something new to "conquer." Basically, God isn't going to give me anything I can't handle. Its HOW you handle it that matters the most. I can choose to be depressed ALL the time, I can choose to not be active and to feel sorry for myself, or I can be active and socialize and try new things.

So my goals are to do exactly that. Take my own advice here! I need to log more miles for Ruthie, and hopefully I can start the biking portion for my Dad at some point too.

The reality is I'm going to have a lot of sad moments, days, times, and feelings. It's not going to end anytime soon. I guess its how I choose to handle them that really matter. At some point, hiding in bed crying isn't going to be the best solution....

"Run fast for your mother run fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive..." 

--Florence and the Machine

Holidays Suck

Oh its one those days...I haven't had a good cry in a while.  I just watched the video I took of my Dad's ceremony last month; listened to the words that were spoken, watched the flag being presented to Terri. It's oddly comforting, yet so depressing and sad to lose him.

I feel like I didn't get to share certain things with him---a good laugh, a good cry that was mutual, a proud moment, a loving and kind moment. I feel cheated out of this. I feel like I should have tried harder to have these. I feel like why didn't he want to have them with me?

I am having a hard time with the fact that just a year ago they were both here, sick as they were, they were here in the flesh. I could at least see them. Now they are but dust in the ground. I am so sad. I miss them terribly. Its sos final, there are NO MORE memories that I get to make with them. They don't get to be a part of my every day life anymore. I can only hope they are watching from Heaven, and even that's not a given--who knows if thats even how it works in this universe. I tell myself that's how it is probably just to ease the pain of this loss.

I still cannot believe my dad is gone. Seriously? How? Is it real? Will I wake up from a dream? Will this all be a dream??? No. Its not. This is real life, and it sucks sometimes.

And its not even like they died under crazy tragic circumstances--no trauma, no accidents, no murders, just regular aging, diseased, death. But having looked back on their lives, realizing how simple yet meaningful they were to me and my siblings makes it just as traumatic to me. You only have one set of parents, no matter how you lose them, its hard.  And with the holidays and the anniversary of my mom's death/my birthday coming up, I'm just not looking forward to any of it. I want it all to fly by. I want to rush this whole next 6? months. I want to fast forward a little. And winter being here, thats definitely not fun. I'm not looking forward to the shitty weather and dark days. Spring and summer are what I prefer.

I know one day I'll be reunited with them, and I'll have all sorts of things to tell them and share with them. And if its like how I think it is, they'll already know about it, but I'll get to tell them. My spirit in Heaven will reunite, and it will be beautiful and amazing. Thats what I'm counting on, so I hope my God will make this happen.